Sport Box

Author - Editor

Quade All Black’s “16th man”

quade cooper

Australian rugby’s bad boy, Quade Cooper, today voiced his confusion over why New Zealand rugby fans continually boo him. Despite having scored several cheap shots on All Black’s skipper Richie McCaw over the years, Quade maintains he’s balanced those transgressions in other ways that should have Kiwis cheering for him.

“It really baffles me,” Quade was quoted as saying to the Sydney Morning Herald’s Melissa Wood. “Sure I’ve kneed, elbowed and punched Richie a few times, but I’ve also made sure I put in some truly horrible performances in the Wallabies number 10 jersey against the All Blacks.  I mean, who can forget that semi-final performance at Eden Park where I put the kick-off straight into touch and pretty much couldn’t catch a ball or make a tackle all night?”

Quade also indicated that much of the turmoil within the Wallabies camp over the past two years was down to his secret loyalty to the All Blacks. “I also put a lot of effort into making sure that Robbie Deans was as pissed off as possible when I tweeted about his toxic environment. We all know Deans has a bit of a temper and holds a grudge. That sort of thing made sure that Deans wasn’t focusing all of his effort on coaching, instead he had to worry about managing me, James O’Connor and Kurtley Beale.”

“That’s why I don’t get the booing,” Quade said, “It’s pretty much like I’m the All Black’s 16th man on the field with how badly I play against them.”

Quade Cooper’s revelations come on the back on Michael Hooper, Steve Hansen and Julian Savea all calling on fans to stop booing the Wallabies’ play maker.

When pressed further about his divided loyalties, Quade declined to answer any more questions, instead saying he had to “see a mate about selling a couple of hot laptops.”

Opinion: I should have joined Weight Watchers

jesse ryder

The following may be an opinion piece by Jesse Ryder.

In retrospect, my decision to purchase weight loss products over the internet may not have been a great one. I mean, I’m not exactly renowned for my decision making abilities, but who hasn’t gotten rip-roaringly drunk and punched their hand through a toilet window? One thing I guess we can all agree on is that I’m not the first professional athlete who claims to have been caught out by improper disclosure on a weight loss or medical product. It’s unfair to think that we should actually have someone check that these online, weight loss treatments are actually the real deal and that we’re allowed to use them. You’d think the manufacturers would have warned us athlete types after all those Aussies got caught for the same thing.

Thankfully, I’ve only been banned from cricket until October, which is pretty nice of New Zealand Cricket seeing as how it’s not cricket season, though I’m pretty sure this means I can still play for my indoor cricket team. It’s pretty much an entirely different sport and it’d be unfair to punish my indoor buddies by denying them the explosive abilities of Jesse “The Tank” Ryder.

My battle with weight has been a fairly public one. Between my binge drinking and reluctance to exercise, it’s hardly surprising I’ve ended up the way I have. Of course, now that I’ve been dealt my sentence for unwittingly ingesting banned substances from an fancy sounding weight loss product, I’ve realised I should have done things differently and taken a leaf from the book of some other outstanding cricketers, like Shane Warne and my idol, Martin Crowe. Just think endorsing hair loss products did for their hair? Maybe I should have endorsed Weight Watchers.

What could have been more exciting than having me shown you the pants that I used to be able to fit into versus my new slim ones? I’d then get to go on all those fancy news shows and enjoy their canapes. I could have enjoyed trying to be one of the just 6% of Weight Watchers members who achieve their weight loss targets. I could have actually tried to watch what I was eating, cut back on my drinking and cause water to bead from my head due to exertion – apparently non-sport people call it sweat, I always thought it was the sensation I got after a bad butter chicken.

I’m sorry New Zealand. I didn’t let you down because I failed to do the sensible thing and have a doctor check the substance I was taking, instead relying on reading the label and doing a quick Google search. I let you down because I tried to take the easy way out of losing weight, and it failed.

America’s Cup to be decided by gear failure

americas cup

In an announcement that initially shocked the sailing fraternity, Oracle Team USA CEO Russell Coutts today admitted that the decision to use the AC72 catamarans was made in order to remove the element of racing from the prestigious yachting series and save anyone from actually being beaten and feeling bad about their inability to be competitive.

“We’d decided that after years of the America’s Cup being decided by racing and court room battles, it was time we spiced things up again,” said Coutts from the team’s San Franciso headquarters. “So it just made sense to have everyone race on these very fragile catamarans, that way you could only lose a race by breaking equipment, rather than actually getting beaten. We felt that we needed to make sure the losing teams had a really good excuse as to why they’d lost, and gear failure is the perfect thing to blame.”

While fellow crews were initially shocked by the revelation, they quickly moved to support the decision. Emirates Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker was one of the first to support the announcement.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Dean said while sipping a glass of his brother’s organic wine. “I mean, there’s countries out there that spent millions of taxpayer’s hard earned dollars on these regattas and for them to get trounced on the water is a pretty galling thing for them to take. At least if something breaks on the boat and they have to withdraw, people back home won’t be disappointed that all that money was wasted on uncompetitive designs or taking Hollywood Scientologists on joyrides.”

Luna Rossa Challenge’s Team Principal Patrizio Bertelli agreed, “I think it’s a great decision. I mean sure, Emirates Team New Zealand won two out of the first three races of the Louis Vuitton Cup final, but at least Luna Rossa didn’t loose them. We just had a bit of a boo-boo with some of our gear on the boat and had to retreat. In a way, taking that type of action really lives up to our Italian heritage.”

All Blacks to only pick players named “Smith”

Ben Smith, an example of the power of the Smith name.

On the back of the All Black’s 47 – 29 demolition of the Wallabies in Sydney on Saturday evening, coach Steve Hansen has announced a sweeping new selection policy designed to further cement the All Blacks dominance on world rugby. Starting from the end of year tour, only players with the surname of Smith will be picked for the honour of wearing the black jersey.

“It’s quite simple really,” Hansen said in explaining the changes, “Over the past 12 months our most consistent players have been Aaron Smith, Ben Smith and Conrad Smith. If it was just two Smiths I’d call it a coincidence, but three clearly means there’s a scientific trend going on here.”

It’s hard to find fault with Hansen’s logic. Ben Smith picked up a hat-trick of tries in a faultless display on the wing while Conrad Smith added a try of his own to go with his usual clinical defence. While live-wire halfback Aaron Smith didn’t collect any points himself, his ability to point at the bottom of the ruck and trick the referee into awarding non-existent penalties was crucial throughout the night.

Unsurprisingly, the announcement has gone down well in rugby circles with rugby journalist Mark Reason calling it a “stroke of genius. The Welsh have been doing this for years, picking as many players called Jones as they can, so it’s apparent that Smith is the name that works and carries a certain mana for the All Blacks.”

Hansen’s decision gives hope to players such as David Smith, dubbed by the NZ Herald’s Chris Rattue in 2006 as rugby’s “next big thing” who, after unsatisfying stints at the Hurricanes, Blues and Western Force, decided it was all too hard and left from France. David is reported to have already booked tickets back to New Zealand saying, “I’m so grateful to have been given this second chance, I never could be bothered working on my defensive and aerial weaknesses like Julian Savea has, so it’s great to see him tossed aside like this.”

When asked if the policy of picking players named Smith could also be applied to the coaching staff and see the return of former All Blacks and current Chiefs assistant coach Wayne Smith, Steve Hansen appeared not to reply, instead preferring to scratch his nose with his middle finger.