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Cairns may have to phone all the 1990s children he’s let down


In a major development in the Chris Cairns match-fixing case, prosecutors have suggested that, if found guilty, Chris Cairns will need to personally phone all 73,561 children who, from 1989 through to 2006, were fans of his explosive cricket playing style.

“Your Honour, we propose that if Mr Cairns is found guilty of these charges, there are 73,561 children that we’ve identified from the years 1989 through to 2006 who at one stage or another, idolised Mr Cairns in his capacity as an all-rounder for the Blackcaps,” said the Crown prosecutor today.

“Due to these children being robbed of their childhood idol should Mr Cairns be found guilty, we propose that a suitable punishment would be for Mr Cairns to personally  phone all of these children, many who are grown adults now, to apologise for having let them down. These children, many of who pretended they were Chris Cairns during fiercely contested backyard cricket games, will be feeling devastated that the man who’s cricketing ability they once believed in, may have severely let them down.”

Chris Cairns’ defence team said that while in principle they had no objection to the proposed punishment, they suggested it might be more effective if Mr Cairns personally phoned all cricket commentators around the world, and instead ask them to stop referring to promising Blackcaps all-rounders as the “next Chris Cairns” given possible negative connotations that might imply.

“After all, we’re pretty sure Jacob Oram is sick to death of the endless comparisons even after all these years.”

Prince Harry renounces claim to throne of Australia following England defeat


Following England’s defeat to the Wallabies at the Rugby World Cup at the weekend, a result that saw England knocked out of the tournament, devout England supporter and ginger model Prince Harry has retaliated by renouncing his third in line claim to be King of Australia.

“I don’t want to be king of a bunch of convicts,” Prince Harry was heard saying to his bodyguards as he left Twickenham. “There’s a reason why we booted them out of the country, we should have never of let them back in.”

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace said that “While Her Majesty the Queen is disappointed with Harry’s comments, as third in line for the throne and a ginger, he didn’t have a chance of ascending anyway.”

Prince Harry was last seen shouting abuse at Wallabies fans as they celebrated the victory at the Temple Place Walkabout pub.

Diego Costa – “Fuck you, Richie’s cheating has nothing on me”

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 19:  Diego Costa of Chelsea is shown a yellow card by referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Chelsea and Arsenal at Stamford Bridge on September 19, 2015 in London, United Kingdom.  (Photo by Ross Kinnaird/Getty Images)

Chelsea striker Diego Costa has lashed out at recent media focus on Rugby Union player Richie McCaw being a cheater, demanding that people acknowledge he is the greatest cheater in the history of sport.

“Fuck you, Richie’s cheating has nothing on me,” Costa said in a fiery press conference this evening London time following the Football Associations decision to charge him with violent conduct following a controversial match against Arsenal at the weekend.

“Fuck, what more do I have to do? I pushed Koscienly around and got away with it, and managed to get Gabriel sent off. This Richie McCaw person, he is an amateur. See how he got caught, to cheat you have to get away with it on the field. This McCaw, he did not. He is fucking useless. That’s what he is.”

“The guy hasn’t even collected anywhere near as many yellow cards as me. He’s a nobody, just a fucking nobody.”

Costa then proceeded to upend the table he was sitting at before leaving the room.

Costa’s comments come on the back of team mate Kurt Zouma saying “Everyone knows Diego and this guy likes to cheat a lot.”

SBW – “To be honest, I’m over-rated”


Following the All Blacks’ hard fought victory over Argentina this morning in their opening game of the Rugby World Cup, second-string All Black centre Sonny Bill Williams has played down rave reviews of his performance by admitting that he is “completely over-hyped.”

Speaking at the post-match press conference, Williams was brutally honest when responding to a one-eyed media pack.

“Yeah, to be honest, I’m over-rated. Anyone running against a tiring, under-strength defence like I did would have looked impressive,” said Williams. “I’ve got a terrible tackling technique and I only managed one meaningful off-load today, which are usually Hail Mary passes anyway and people only remember the ones people catch, not the horrible turnovers which I gave a few away today. I’m completely over-hyped, which my boxing ‘career’ pretty much gave away.”

“If you look closely at my performance today, it doesn’t warrant the plaudits it’s getting from the media.”

Williams continued, “The only reason Shags picked me today is because I lay on his hotel room floor throwing a tantrum on Tuesday morning. I reminded Shags that Mundine and Nasser were just a phone call away with tickets to Vegas and that this time, I’d really go. I meant it too.”

For his part, All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen conceded that the only reason that Sonny Bill Williams was included in the squad was because the New Zealand Rugby Union needed to get some value out of Williams’ ludicrous contract.

“His form in Super Rugby didn’t warrant inclusion. He’s just there because we paid so much for him, and the ratings sore whenever he takes his top off.”


South Africa quit World Cup after Japan loss


The Springboks have decided to cut their loses and have quit the World Cup after realising that having lost to Japan, there was no point in the side continuing to play any more games.

“Even if we win now, it’s very pointless for us to remain, as this will always be the World Cup where we lost to Japan,” said Springbok’s coach Heyneke Meyer.

“We could go on and win the entire World Cup, but everyone knows Japan will be the true champions having beaten us in the first game,” he continued.

“So to save ourselves further embarrassment, the team has collectively decided that we shall be leaving England immediately to return to the Republic, where we will embark on a national apology tour and beg the nation for forgiveness.”

Asked for their reaction to South Africa’s decision to depart the World Cup, a Japanese spokesperson could not be woken from their hangover to provide comment.

England will cancel World Cup if they lose to Fiji in opener


The English Rugby Union have announced that should England lose its opening game against Fiji, the rest of the Rugby World Cup will be cancelled due to English fans losing any passing interest they have in the oval ball code.

“It’s hard enough as it is getting anyone interest in rugby while the football season is on,” said Rugby Union Chairman Bill Beaumont at the announcement on Thursday evening, “so we figure that if Fiji manages to upset us in the first game, there’s not really any point in staging the rest of the tournament. No one in England will give a toss about it anyway.”

In the event of the loss and the cancelling of the World Cup, England has confirmed that the William Webb Ellis trophy will not be awarded to any side, or returned to New Zealand, in order to prevent what Beaumont called “the uncivilized colony getting ideas above its station.”

“We invented rugby, it’s our sport, this is our World Cup, and if we can’t have it, nobody can.” Beaumont screamed as he lay on the floor thrashing his legs and arms about. “Fiji have no right to beat us, and if they do, we’re not going to let the Aussies, or especially those fucking Welsh bastards have a chance of doing so as well.”

For their part, the All Blacks have said they’re not bothered by the prospect of the World Cup.

“If the World Cup is cancelled, there’s no way we can choke in the play off games is there?” said coach Steve Hansen.

New Zealand hospitals prepare for four yearly epidemic of Expectation overdoses


Hospital emergency departments around New Zealand have been put on alert for the four yearly Expectation overdose epidemic, stocking up on the only known treatment for it, servings of Humble Pie.

“Overdosing on Expectation is a huge problem for New Zealand, and the epidemic usually works in a four year cycle, though having not surfaced in 2011, we’re expecting it to be even worse than ever.” said Auckland Hospital spokesperson Suzie Choka this morning.

“We generally find that after imbuing themselves with dangerous levels of Expectation, should users experience a major let down in their lives, it can place them in an almost zombie like state for up to 72 hours, as well as rendering them incapable of watching or playing a certain sport for anywhere between four and 24 years., “Ms Choka said.

“In anticipation of this year’s Expectation epidemic, we’ve received instructions from the Ministry of Health that hospitals should ensure they have large stockpiles of Humble Pie on hand, which will be served to people admitted to our EDs having overdosed on Expectation.”

Ms Chocka said that if left untreated, an Expectation overdose could lead to particularly nasty symptoms such as bitterness, recriminations, cynicism, and denial.

“New Zealand is one of a handful of countries, including England and Brazil, that has millions of cases of Expectation overdoses every four years, with England and Brazil’s epidemics slightly out of sync with ours.

What causes Expectation overdoses is still a matter of debate among scientists, however the most recent instance of a small scale breakout of the epidemic was reported in Wellington in early July.

Maldonado promises to crash “only a little bit” in Singapore Grand Prix


Lotus Formula 1 pay driver Pastor Maldonado has promised fans and his team that “I will only crash a little bit” at this weekend’s Singapore Grand Prix.

Following criticism from retired Red Bull Racing Mark Webber, who recently described Maldonado as one of the worst drivers in the sport, Maldonado responded that rather than his usual spectacular crashes, he was going to tone things down on the street circuit and only try to cause “minor” damage to his car.

“This weekend I will only crash a little bit. I know that Mr Webber thinks I’m a bad driver, but I will prove him wrong. This is a difficult circuit, so I promise I will only damage my front wing, or force someone else to crash, so it will prove I am a much better driver.” said Maldonado.

Maldonado’s team, Lotus, was unavailable to comment on their driver’s promise after a spokesperson said they were busy clearing up paperwork following a “minor incident on the way to the circuit with one of our drivers.”