Sport Box

Archive - August 2013

God of Earthquakes warns Wallabies not to win

rūaumoko

Rūaumoko, the Māori god of earthquakes has warned the Wallabies of “great and dire consequences” should they even look like winning Saturday night’s Bledisloe Cup test in Wellington. Speaking through self-appointed spokesperson, Mana Party leader Hone Harawira, Rūaumoko is quoted as being unhappy about the prospect of the Wallabies upsetting the All Blacks at the weekend.

“The great and mighty Rūaumoko wants those Wallaby fellas (sic) to know just how powerful he is,” Mr Harawira said on behalf of the deity. “If they even think about trying to steal a win on Saturday night, Rūaumoko says he’ll be pretty pissed off. He wants them to know that he’s already smashed up Seddon a couple of times, and he won’t spare Wellington next time if the Wallabies win.”

Wellington residents, already on edge after the 6.5 and 6.6 magnitude earthquakes over the past month, have begged the Wallabies to heed the god’s warnings.

“He sounds pretty pissed off,” said student Jason Wilson sitting inside Cuba Street’s Bucket Fountain, “and I really wouldn’t want to be upsetting him, or Hone either. Hone has a pretty mean right hook when he’s fired up.”

Adding to his threats of earthquakes, Rūaumoko also hinted at getting his older brother, Tangaroa god of the sea involved. “Rūa also says that if his great shaking doesn’t get the Wallabies, then Tangaroa might get a bit shitty too and throw a tsunami their way,” Mr Harawira conveyed to reporters. “And if all that fails, I’ll do the one thing that gives the white man more shits than Rūaumoko and Tangaroa combined, I’ll file a Waitangi Tribunal claim.”

Blackcaps celebrate 58 days unbeaten

blackcaps

New Zealand Cricket is today celebrating 58 days of the Blackcaps being unbeaten. In an upbeat email to NZ Cricket staff today, Chairman Chris Moller saluted the extraordinary effort put in by the players, coaches and NZ Cricket’s own staff in achieving the milestone.

“Going 58 days unbeaten in cricket is something virtually unheard of,” Moller said in the email. “It’s the type of achievement that all New Zealanders can take an enormous amount of pride in. Our Blackcaps are among the world’s top sportspeople and going unbeaten for so long is something we all need to celebrate.”

Moller added, “It’s also important to note that over this period their international batting and bowling averages haven’t changed, again being representative of the consistency and high standards our organisation holds itself too.”

The Chairman was also full of praise for the national coach, Mike Hesson, of who he said, “Mike Hesson, in particular, has been instrumental in ensuring that the Blackcaps have remained undefeated for those 58 days.”

When the email, which was leaked to Radio Sport, was replied to by journalists who noted that the Blackcaps haven’t played any international cricket since losing to England on 25 June, Chris Moller was quick to fire back saying, “Fuck you. No one likes a smart ass.” A few minutes later another email was received from NZ Cricket’s Chairman reading, “Sorry about that previous email, Hesson was watching me type. Send help quickly.”

NFL promises more murders in 2013/14 season

Hernendez

Building on its spectacular ratings from Aaron Hernandez’s triple murder investigation, the National Football League has announced that the 2013/14 season will feature more murders in an effort to wrestle viewers from other sports.

Speaking at a packed press conference in New York City, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell unveiled that the plans to nearly universal praise.

“We’ve been really excited by the media buzz generated by Aaron Hernandez’s murder investigation, especially because it’s given us a key edge over Major League Baseball’s drug scandal,” Mr Goodell said. “On the back of that success, we’re going to increase the number of murders committed by players this season to give our fans what they want.”

Mr Goodell went on to elaborate that, “We’ve been putting some real thought into what types of slayings our fans want to see players commit. We feel we really need to move on from bar fights and drinking incidents and give our viewers some deaths with more substance. To that end, we’re looking to orchestrate some matrimonial murders along with the possibility of an on field incident. I watched the Last Boy Scout last night and I think that type of thing could really give us more bang for our buck.”

Goodell also scoffed at suggestions the NFL had misread viewers interest, “Absolutely not. What’s more American than murdering someone for no apparent reason other than their ethnicity or an imagined affair with your wife?”

Fox Sport’s Joe Buck was quick to agree, heaping praise on Goodell’s vision, “If you’re an American and you don’t like shooting and murders, then you’re in league with the terrorists like Obama is.”

When asked by ESPN whether the NFL was concerned about widespread use of performance enhancing drugs following Major League Baseball’s recent drug scandal, Goodell replied, “I hadn’t thought of that, but a drug related murder would be a sure-fire ratings hit!”

Sharks apologise for not winning

paul gallen

Embattled rugby league team the Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks have issued a heart felt apology to members and supporters today after news emerged overnight that the club was issuing secret payments above the NRL’s salary cap to skipper Paul Gallen.

The apology, released as a media statement, said, ‘The Cronulla-Suthlerland Sharks would like to offer our deepest apologies to our members and supporters. With all the illegal performance enhancing drugs our players were taking and our ability to ignore the NRL’s salary cap, we should have actually won some Premierships over the past few years.”

The statement continued, “At least when the Melbourne Storm cheated their fans were able to enjoy the illusion of success for a few years before having it all taken away from them. In our case, we have utterly let you down by not making the most of our cheating. The Board feels that this failure is unacceptable and we will be instigating an investigation to identify how we can achieve better results from future incidents of cheating.”

Cronulla has been hit by a wave of scandals recently, with 14 of its players being caught up in the ASADA supplements investigation, the resignation of their temporary CEO and now these allegations of secret payments to Paul Gallen.

When approached for comment, no response was forthcoming from Paul Gallen as he tried to hide a brown paper bag beneath his jacket after training.

Quade All Black’s “16th man”

quade cooper

Australian rugby’s bad boy, Quade Cooper, today voiced his confusion over why New Zealand rugby fans continually boo him. Despite having scored several cheap shots on All Black’s skipper Richie McCaw over the years, Quade maintains he’s balanced those transgressions in other ways that should have Kiwis cheering for him.

“It really baffles me,” Quade was quoted as saying to the Sydney Morning Herald’s Melissa Wood. “Sure I’ve kneed, elbowed and punched Richie a few times, but I’ve also made sure I put in some truly horrible performances in the Wallabies number 10 jersey against the All Blacks.  I mean, who can forget that semi-final performance at Eden Park where I put the kick-off straight into touch and pretty much couldn’t catch a ball or make a tackle all night?”

Quade also indicated that much of the turmoil within the Wallabies camp over the past two years was down to his secret loyalty to the All Blacks. “I also put a lot of effort into making sure that Robbie Deans was as pissed off as possible when I tweeted about his toxic environment. We all know Deans has a bit of a temper and holds a grudge. That sort of thing made sure that Deans wasn’t focusing all of his effort on coaching, instead he had to worry about managing me, James O’Connor and Kurtley Beale.”

“That’s why I don’t get the booing,” Quade said, “It’s pretty much like I’m the All Black’s 16th man on the field with how badly I play against them.”

Quade Cooper’s revelations come on the back on Michael Hooper, Steve Hansen and Julian Savea all calling on fans to stop booing the Wallabies’ play maker.

When pressed further about his divided loyalties, Quade declined to answer any more questions, instead saying he had to “see a mate about selling a couple of hot laptops.”

Opinion: I should have joined Weight Watchers

jesse ryder

The following may be an opinion piece by Jesse Ryder.

In retrospect, my decision to purchase weight loss products over the internet may not have been a great one. I mean, I’m not exactly renowned for my decision making abilities, but who hasn’t gotten rip-roaringly drunk and punched their hand through a toilet window? One thing I guess we can all agree on is that I’m not the first professional athlete who claims to have been caught out by improper disclosure on a weight loss or medical product. It’s unfair to think that we should actually have someone check that these online, weight loss treatments are actually the real deal and that we’re allowed to use them. You’d think the manufacturers would have warned us athlete types after all those Aussies got caught for the same thing.

Thankfully, I’ve only been banned from cricket until October, which is pretty nice of New Zealand Cricket seeing as how it’s not cricket season, though I’m pretty sure this means I can still play for my indoor cricket team. It’s pretty much an entirely different sport and it’d be unfair to punish my indoor buddies by denying them the explosive abilities of Jesse “The Tank” Ryder.

My battle with weight has been a fairly public one. Between my binge drinking and reluctance to exercise, it’s hardly surprising I’ve ended up the way I have. Of course, now that I’ve been dealt my sentence for unwittingly ingesting banned substances from an fancy sounding weight loss product, I’ve realised I should have done things differently and taken a leaf from the book of some other outstanding cricketers, like Shane Warne and my idol, Martin Crowe. Just think endorsing hair loss products did for their hair? Maybe I should have endorsed Weight Watchers.

What could have been more exciting than having me shown you the pants that I used to be able to fit into versus my new slim ones? I’d then get to go on all those fancy news shows and enjoy their canapes. I could have enjoyed trying to be one of the just 6% of Weight Watchers members who achieve their weight loss targets. I could have actually tried to watch what I was eating, cut back on my drinking and cause water to bead from my head due to exertion – apparently non-sport people call it sweat, I always thought it was the sensation I got after a bad butter chicken.

I’m sorry New Zealand. I didn’t let you down because I failed to do the sensible thing and have a doctor check the substance I was taking, instead relying on reading the label and doing a quick Google search. I let you down because I tried to take the easy way out of losing weight, and it failed.

America’s Cup to be decided by gear failure

americas cup

In an announcement that initially shocked the sailing fraternity, Oracle Team USA CEO Russell Coutts today admitted that the decision to use the AC72 catamarans was made in order to remove the element of racing from the prestigious yachting series and save anyone from actually being beaten and feeling bad about their inability to be competitive.

“We’d decided that after years of the America’s Cup being decided by racing and court room battles, it was time we spiced things up again,” said Coutts from the team’s San Franciso headquarters. “So it just made sense to have everyone race on these very fragile catamarans, that way you could only lose a race by breaking equipment, rather than actually getting beaten. We felt that we needed to make sure the losing teams had a really good excuse as to why they’d lost, and gear failure is the perfect thing to blame.”

While fellow crews were initially shocked by the revelation, they quickly moved to support the decision. Emirates Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker was one of the first to support the announcement.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Dean said while sipping a glass of his brother’s organic wine. “I mean, there’s countries out there that spent millions of taxpayer’s hard earned dollars on these regattas and for them to get trounced on the water is a pretty galling thing for them to take. At least if something breaks on the boat and they have to withdraw, people back home won’t be disappointed that all that money was wasted on uncompetitive designs or taking Hollywood Scientologists on joyrides.”

Luna Rossa Challenge’s Team Principal Patrizio Bertelli agreed, “I think it’s a great decision. I mean sure, Emirates Team New Zealand won two out of the first three races of the Louis Vuitton Cup final, but at least Luna Rossa didn’t loose them. We just had a bit of a boo-boo with some of our gear on the boat and had to retreat. In a way, taking that type of action really lives up to our Italian heritage.”

All Blacks to only pick players named “Smith”

Ben Smith, an example of the power of the Smith name.

On the back of the All Black’s 47 – 29 demolition of the Wallabies in Sydney on Saturday evening, coach Steve Hansen has announced a sweeping new selection policy designed to further cement the All Blacks dominance on world rugby. Starting from the end of year tour, only players with the surname of Smith will be picked for the honour of wearing the black jersey.

“It’s quite simple really,” Hansen said in explaining the changes, “Over the past 12 months our most consistent players have been Aaron Smith, Ben Smith and Conrad Smith. If it was just two Smiths I’d call it a coincidence, but three clearly means there’s a scientific trend going on here.”

It’s hard to find fault with Hansen’s logic. Ben Smith picked up a hat-trick of tries in a faultless display on the wing while Conrad Smith added a try of his own to go with his usual clinical defence. While live-wire halfback Aaron Smith didn’t collect any points himself, his ability to point at the bottom of the ruck and trick the referee into awarding non-existent penalties was crucial throughout the night.

Unsurprisingly, the announcement has gone down well in rugby circles with rugby journalist Mark Reason calling it a “stroke of genius. The Welsh have been doing this for years, picking as many players called Jones as they can, so it’s apparent that Smith is the name that works and carries a certain mana for the All Blacks.”

Hansen’s decision gives hope to players such as David Smith, dubbed by the NZ Herald’s Chris Rattue in 2006 as rugby’s “next big thing” who, after unsatisfying stints at the Hurricanes, Blues and Western Force, decided it was all too hard and left from France. David is reported to have already booked tickets back to New Zealand saying, “I’m so grateful to have been given this second chance, I never could be bothered working on my defensive and aerial weaknesses like Julian Savea has, so it’s great to see him tossed aside like this.”

When asked if the policy of picking players named Smith could also be applied to the coaching staff and see the return of former All Blacks and current Chiefs assistant coach Wayne Smith, Steve Hansen appeared not to reply, instead preferring to scratch his nose with his middle finger.