Sport Box

Archive - September 2013

Volts urge public not to watch

Otago Volts 1

Fresh from their heroic victory over the Highveld Lions in Twenty20 Champions League Group A, the Otago Volts have issued a plea for people back home to continue not paying any attention to their exploits as they chase an elusive semi-final spot.

The Volts, who have allegedly been competing in the Twenty20 Champions League in India for the past few weeks, though sports journalists aren’t sure due to none of them being able to afford a Sky Sports subscription, claim that they were only able to achieve their apparent run of success due to the “country not paying us any attention.” The statement, issued by coach Vaughan Johnson, but written in Brendan McCullum’s handwriting, urged Kiwis at home to “go back to watching the yachting” or “heaping pressure on the All Blacks instead.”

“We’ve only been winning games while nobody has been watching,” the statement read. “If you guys suddenly decide that, having been disappointed by the boat boys or bored of the rugby rednecks, you’re going to start watching us play, we’re not going to cope with the attention. It’s a bit like when we beat Wellington for the HRV Cup. Nobody watched that game because they knew we were going to lose, so we played really well instead, but if you start heaping expectations on us, we’re going to start losing, guaranteed.”

The statement continued by pointing out, “So if we don’t make the semi-finals, or if we look like we choke when we’re in a winning position. You should know that it’s all your fault.”

When approached for comment, New Zealand Cricket Board member Martin Snedden said that he was unaware that Otago had any sort of problem with choking but that he couldn’t rule out the possibility given that, “they’re coached by Wellington’s old coach and that they just signed Jessie Ryder for next year, maybe they’re anticipating what’s coming their way.”

Snedden bans hair replacement ads in cricket culture change


Less than a week after being reappointed to the New Zealand Cricket Board, former test cricket Martin Snedden has already started to deliver on his promise to repair the organisation’s battered image.

In his first press conference since rejoining the Board, Snedden said he had been quick to act on the top priority areas that he’d identified for turning around things at the sport’s governing body. “In our first Board meeting I made several significant executive decision,” Snedden said. “First of all, when they served us up Oreo cookies with our morning tea I ordered the caterers to take it all away and only return when they had gone out and bought us some good, Kiwi dunking biscuits, like Anzacs, Afghans or Tiny Teddies.

“Then, at lunch, they served up those hideous asparagus rolls that nobody eats at funerals,” Snedden continued. “I made them leave a few for Sir Richard (Hadlee) as they seemed to be the only thing his fragile teeth could chew, but then I forced them to replace the rest with some New Wave sausage rolls from the local Countdown.”

Defending his focus on the standard of New Zealand Cricket’s catering, Snedden pointed out that “us Board members are like athletes. If you put rubbish fuel in, you’ll get rubbish results out.”

Snedden went on to elaborate on several other important culture changes he’d already managed to implement at the Board including, “Making sure no one refers to Stephen Fleming as ‘Fujitsu Guy’ and stopping Martin Crowe from trying to get current players to appear in ad campaigns for hair replacement treatments.”

However the high power Board member conceded that there was still plenty of work to be done at the organisation, “Next on my list is getting Sir Richard to stop trying to sell us BNZ bank accounts as he doesn’t seem to have noticed that we’ve changed sponsoring banks twice since then” and that “at some point we might think about trying to address the poor performance of coach Mike Hesson once he stops sending us mean texts.”

When asked whether Snedden had any plans for trying to improve the number of children playing cricket, he replied no, but that “we can always pick up the rejects Australia doesn’t want if no one here wants to play.”

All Blacks: “Don’t count on us to make it better”


The All Blacks have issued a statement from La Plata in Argentina today, urging New Zealanders not to look to the men in black to provide some glimmer of hope from their deep despair following Emirates Team New Zealand’s America’s Cup defeat this morning.

“We’re a bit pissed off,” the statement from coach Steve Hansen started, “As we were treating the trip to Argentina as a big holiday since nobody had paid us any attention for two weeks. Now, thanks to Dean Barker producing the biggest choke since Sir Graham Henry’s 2007 stuff up, people suddenly expect us to make them feel better by winning?”

The statement went on to point out that, “It’s all a bit shitty of you fans isn’t it? You run off and abandon us as soon as we leave the country for a couple of weeks for a bunch a rich Aucklanders sailing around a little patch of water. While the All Blacks, your World Champion All Blacks who put their bodies on the line week-in, week out, year after year, have to pick up the pieces when all your hopes get crushed. Well we’ve had enough of it, we’re breaking up with you.”

The hand-written statement was signed by “Shags” and appeared to have had an amber liquid spilled on the paper it was written on. While it is unclear whether Steve Hansen was drunk while writing the note, reports indicate that he has been suffering “significant morning migraines” over the last week which could only be treated by a regime of painkillers, sleep and food from McDonald’s.

One rugby person celebrating Oracle’s win, however, was former All Black’s coach Sir Graham Henry, who gleefully mentioned to reporters in Buenos Aires today that “at least now we can stop talking about my 2007 cock-up huh?”.

Media devastated that they have to return to work after Cup loss


New Zealand’s media are reported to be devastated today that they will need to return to work ahead of schedule following Oracle Team USA’s come-from-behind victory in the 34th America’s Cup. Having enjoyed two weeks of running the same, alternating stories of postponed racing and Oracle winning again, many journalists are said to be unsure whether they still remember how to do their jobs.

“I haven’t had to cover a single game of oval ball running in two weeks” said TV3 rugby reporter Jim Kayes. “Now that the America’s Cup is over, I’m not sure if I remember the rules anymore. I mean, they were confusing enough before hand, but now that I’ve been away from it for two weeks, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it again.”

The impact stretched beyond sports journalists too as mainstream news journalists faced up to the realisation that they might need to start reporting on actual news events again. “I’m just shell shocked,” said TVNZ’s Sunday reporter Peter Cronshaw. “My editor called me up this morning and said I had to go do a story on the situation in Syria. I didn’t realise Syria had a boat in the America’s Cup, I just don’t know what to do, doesn’t my editor realise what’s happening to our $34 million dollar investment in Emirates Team UAE?”

Meanwhile newspaper subeditors are rumoured to be starring blankly at their screens as they come to the stark realisation that all their good sport choking puns were used up at the 1999, 2003 and 2007 Rugby World Cups.

However at least one person in the news media is apparently celebrating, with TVNZ yachting commentator Martin Tasker posting on Twitter today that he’d “finally get to bang that Jewish woman after all” now that the America’s Cup was over.

Morrison showering on boat slows Team NZ

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Emirates Team New Zealand have revealed the reason for Aotearoa losing the last five races to Oracle as they discovered that Wellington mayoral candidate John Morrison had sneaked aboard to bathe himself on the front of the boat during races.

Skipper Dean Barker made the shocking discovery this afternoon when conducting a post-race inspection of the boat as they searched for reasons why Emirates Team New Zealand had fallen so far behind Oracle as the regatta had progressed.

“I decided to take a thorough look around the boat to see if we had any damage that we hadn’t noticed. When I was inspecting the bow I found John Morrison standing there with no clothes on as he toweled himself down,” said Barker.

It appears that Morrison had been using the sea spray from the boat in order to clean himself, however the extra drag and weight his presence created compromised Emirates Team New Zealand’s performance.

When asked to explain why he was bathing on the front of the boat, Morrison explained that “nobody wants to share their showers with me anymore back in Wellington, so I figured that coming over here and bathing myself on the front of Aotearoa was a fairly safe option. I mean, it’s not like we’re ever going to be in front of Oracle so I was hoping no one would notice me.”

Morrison then added that the reporter looked “fairly dirty herself and perhaps you’d like to join me next time.”

Team New Zealand win certificates of participation

dean barker

As Oracle notched up another win in the America’s Cup, Emirates Team New Zealand were celebrating getting their certificates of participation for the regatta. Collecting the certificates, which were presented by team CEO Grant Dalton after being drawn up on his laptop during the first race of the day, was described by Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker as “better than winning the Cup itself.”

“This is what investing millions of dollars of taxpayers money is all about,” Barker told reporters as he collected his certificate of participation. “Just by being here and sailing, regardless of how we’re choking in the face of Oracle’s resurgence, is what sport is all about – participation. I think Kiwi kids could learn a lot from how we’ve been participating so well in these races, especially by making sure Oracle gets to walk all over us out on the course.”

Grant Dalton was equally as exciting about the certificates, “It doesn’t get much better than this,” he said. “We’ve nearly blown every advantage given to us by the international jury, but knowing that we were here, participating and having fun just makes it all worth it.”

Team New Zealand have confirmed that the crew will be celebrating getting their certificates later this afternoon by redeeming the free McDonald’s sundae vouchers that came attached to the A4 pieces of paper.

Mystery Morrison to shower with women’s cricket team

john morrison

One of the final debates of the Wellington Mayoral race last night saw candidate, and former New Zealand cricket, John ‘Mystery’ Morrison defending his suggestion that he was going to join the Wellington women’s cricket team, the Wellington Blaze, in the showers, as a way of turning around Wellington’s cricketing fortunes.

The topic of Wellington’s cricketing woes was brought up when candidates were asked by an audience member about what they intended to do to make Wellington deliver on its cricketing promise.

John Morrison, given his background on the topic, was first to respond, promising a Mayoral Board of Inquiry into the poor performances of Wellington over the past few seasons. In particular, Morrison said that the lack of silverware and the departure of Jessie Ryder made the need for an inquiry all the more pressing. Morrison promised to “always be there” for Wellington’s cricket teams, before adding that the women’s team could “really benefit from having me involved from the pitch to the showers each match.”

When challenged by the debate’s moderator that implying he’d be joining the women’s team in the showers was somewhat misogynistic, Morrison replied that he “didn’t see what all the fuss was,” and that “if anyone is offended by the suggestion, I’ll fake making an apology to them and then we’ll watch as the Dominion Post sweeps the whole incident under the rug.” Morrison then continued to say that he “couldn’t help it if the women’s team find me irresistible. After all, I’m an former international cricket who’s so mysterious nobody, not even me, knows why I’m called ‘Mystery’ Morrison. I’m kind of a big deal.”

Incumbent Mayor Celia Wade-Brown responded to the question by saying she was pretty sure she liked cricket, but she’d much prefer if this Basin Reserve everyone kept talking about was put underground next to the motorway bypass and a “beautiful park where sports could be played” was built in its place. When the moderator pointed out that the Basin Reserve was already a fairly picturesque sports ground, the Mayor confessed that “maybe I have cycled through there once, but I was rushing to cycle to meet Hillary Clinton at the airport and was running late so I didn’t stop to notice.”

Other candidates offered a range of other solutions, with the highlight from the pack being Jack Yan’s proposal to spend the “$200m to $300m that it’d take to fix Wellington Cricket and instead buy the successful Otago Volts instead. We could then build a high speed link between the two regions, something called an airport, and we’d get Jessie Ryder back at the same time.”

NZOC asks rivals to congratulate All Black’s 2015 defence

NZOC Vertical Logo FINAL

Following on from asking Oracle CEO Russell Coutts to send a quick video congratulations to Team New Zealand ahead of their inevitable winning of the America’s Cup, the New Zealand Olympic Committee has sent an email to the All Black’s arch rivals the Wallabies, Springboks, French and English asking them to send their congratulations ahead of the All Blacks Rugby World Cup 2015 defence.

Alex Spence, the NZOC’s Communications and Social Media Adviser, sent and recalled multiple emails to the media and various former coaches of the four teams as he evidently trawled through Google looking for the correct people to email, asked opposition coaches to film a short “30 second clip congratulating the All Blacks on their back-to-back World Cups and how they made everyone in Room 5 of Waimea Intermediate very proud.”

The email, which was sent to both the coaches’ personal and work email addresses, comes on the back of the NZOC’s previous foul ups, in addition to the email to Coutts and nearly failing to enter shot putter Valerie Adams in the London Olympics, such as sending the 2008 summer Olympics team to Seoul instead of Bejing, and serving up asparagus rolls at a function for Prime Minister John Key.

In response to the NZOC’s earlier stuff up in emailing Coutts, the Oracle CEO sent a reply-to-all email linking to an explicit video from Oracle tactician Jimmy Spithill where he spent 9 minutes and 32 seconds unleashing torrents of abuse at Team New Zealand and motivation slogans for his Oracle colleagues.