On the back of his recent motorbike tour through North Korean and public endorsement of the regime’s economic achievements, Gareth Morgan has announced plans to make the Wellington Phoenix football club he parts own more like the repressive, Communist state.
Having rounded up journalists off the street at gunpoint, Gareth spoke after a lengthy interpretive dance scene that praised the glorious wisdom and generous spirit of the Morgan Foundation.
“We can learn a lot from the North Koreans,” Morgan said as he inspected each journalists notes for accuracy, “Their national unity, inability to criticise those in power and unequivocal support for their leaders and football sides are things all Kiwis and the Phoenix should learn to emulate.”
“For instance, if the Phoenix lose a match, we’re going to start shooting a member of a random player’s family. That way the team will take to the pitch with patriotic zeal to repeal the imperialist Australian invaders,” Morgan said. “Also, any fan who fails to remove their shirt and swing it around their head will be publicly flogged in the stadium concourse following each match until they repent and realise the error of their subversive ways.”
When asked by Radio Sport whether he might be getting carried away with his own self-importance and the influence of his wealth, Morgan ordered his security staff to have the journalist escorted off the premises and “reeducated.”
Other changes proposed in Morgan’s North Korea overhaul of the Phoenix include:
- Parades of military hardware and synchronised dancers before each match
- The denial of entry to any fans not dressed in Phoenix supporters apparel
- The banning of any mention of how much better times were under former owner Terry Serepisos
- Random assaults on fans and players of opposing teams in response to their “hostile stance towards the eternal glory of the Phoenix” and,
- Renaming of Westpac Stadium during Phoenix matches to the Glorious Arena of Eternal Honour of our Father of Football Gareth Morgan.
Coach Ernie Merrick was unavailable for comment, having apparently volunteered to spend six years performing hard labour on a remote conservation project of the Morgan Foundation.
As anticipation builds ahead of tomorrow night’s clash between the All Blacks and Los Pumas in Hamilton, Puma’s technical advisor Sir Graham Henry has rubbished suggestions that the Pumas play dirty rugby, saying instead that they just want to cuddle opposition players.
“Look, a lot is made of the physicality and apparently questionable legality of the way the Pumas play,” Sir Graham said to a packed press conference this morning, “but the reality is that the Pumas are just trying to show their love for the opposition. Take Lobbe for instance. When he finds a guy at the bottom of a ruck, he tries to assist that player getting clear of the ruck by helpfully moving him with his sprigs.”
“And that whole Leonardo Senatore biting incident was really just an affectionate kiss gone wrong in the heat of a tackle,” Sir Graham said.
All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen was quick to support his former mentor’s stance saying that he expected a clean game from both sides tomorrow, “Especially seeing as Ma’a Nonu isn’t playing, which means no high tackles, no spear tackles and no shoulder charges either. So it’s probably going to be the friendliest game you’ve seen in a while.”
Sir Graham also moved to quash rumours that Argentina had been giving its players acting lessons in order to milk penalties against Richie McCaw.
“That’s absolute rubbish, we all know they can put on Oscar winning performances for feigned injuries with the best of them already.”
Real Madrid have moved this afternoon to correct stories from earlier this week that they had spent $132m securing the services of Welsh international footballer Gareth Bale. Instead, the club clarified, they spent $132 dollars on buying a bale of hay from a Welsh farmer named Gareth in order to help a farm on the outsets of Madrid who was struggling to provide feed for his stock.
“We’re truly sorry for any confusion we’ve caused,” Real Madrid wrote on their Facebook page today, “Obviously there’s been a bit of confusion in translating our announcement of buying hay bales from Gareth in Wales from Spanish into English and the media have gotten a bit carried away.”
“We would have clarified things earlier,” the club went on to write, “But Sergio spilled his sangria on the server during the Monday siesta and we haven’t been able to respond to emails until today.”
They also pointed out, “We’re surprised people didn’t figure out something was wrong earlier. Spending $132m on a player who’s just going to kick a round object around a small field just doesn’t make sense. We could spend $13.2m and get someone just as good.”
Fans have taken to Real Madrid’s Facebook page to vent their frustration, with one writing, “I can’t believe this, I’ve already spent $10 on buying my counterfeit Real Madrid Bale shirt off eBay. Now what am I supposed to do with it? Some kid in a factory in China put a lot of effort into the 50c wage he earned sewing that and you’ve wasted his time too!”
Oracle Team USA owner and team principal Larry Ellison is furious with his CEO Russell Coutts for not trying to buy out the international jury who today handed Oracle a 2 point deduction in the upcoming America’s Cup series as well as banning several team members from the races and fining the syndicate.
“To say I’m disappointed is an understatement,” Ellison wrote on his Facebook page this evening. “We all know winning in the America’s Cup is about how much money you spent, not how talented your designers are, which is why I tried to suggest to Russell, ‘What about if we bought the jury?’. Apparently the Kiwi CEO misunderstood me, thinking I said ‘What about if we brought the jury’ and instead took the international jury on a tour of our facilities, pointing out how we’d changed the design of some of our catamarans to win previous world series.”
Ellison went on to elaborate that, “Instead of giving them brown paper bags full of unmarked bills, instead Russell showed them how we’d inserted extra weight into the catamarans to make them perform better. That didn’t go down so well with them.”
The software magnate concluded by pointing out that, “I can’t believe Russell cocked up like this. Now the fate of the America’s Cup is actually going to be decided by racing, on the water, by actual sportsmen trying to compete. I much preferred it when it used to be decided by who could afford the better legal team.”
The following may be an opinion piece from All Black Ma’a Nonu.
You won’t be surprised to learn that I’m disappointed none of the Super Rugby franchises want to sign me for 2014. Well, that’s not entirely true. The Highlanders want to sign me, but Jamie Joseph makes me do things like actually having to turn up for training to make the team and to not wear mascara on match day, so I won’t be going back to that frigid hell-hole. Fuck him, I’m Ma’a Nonu and I’m the best thing that’s happened to Dunedin.
A lot has been made of my being a disruptive player for coaches to have in their team. I don’t think that’s a fair call to make. I just want them to piss off and leave me alone to do my thing. For example, Mark Hammett once tried to tell me to pass the ball so I told him to “Sod off, I’m Ma’a Nonu, I break tackles.” Nothing disruptive in that aside from disrupting the opposition’s defensive line.
Pat Lam wasn’t a great fan of me either, though I don’t know why. He barely saw me at all while I was at the Blues, I spent most of my time at the bars in Ponsonby or being sent off on the rugby field. You can’t really be disruptive while you’re sitting in the sin bin riding that exercise bike, can you? In fact, the way I kept collecting yellow cards meant that other players couldn’t get them. The referee only has a limited supply of those cards, doesn’t he?
Besides, I’m pretty sure Steve Hansen loves me. It’s not like there’s no one else capable of playing in the inside centre jersey as well as me, is there? I’m pretty sure this Francis Saili guy trying to take my jersey on Saturday night is only a temporary thing. If it’s not, I’ll tell Shags to stuff off and leave me alone too. I’m Ma’a Nonu, that’s my jersey.
Whatever happens next year, I won’t cry about it because I don’t want my makeup to run. If worse comes to worst, I’ll go play in the NRL, because they don’t use their arms in tackles either.
The AFL player rumoured to be involved in the reported incident of dwarf entertainer, Blake Johnston being set on fire during St Kilda’s Mad Monday celebrations has explained his actions today.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, the player said that the whole “burning the imp thingy” was just a case of mistaken identity.
“You see, I’m a big Game of Thrones fan,” the player said in the secret interview with Channel 9, “and as soon as I saw the dwarf I was convinced he was Tyrion Lannister. I mean he’s short, stubby and walks with a waddle, it’s pretty much impossible to tell them apart, especially after a whole case of Carlton Draught.”
The player continued to explain, stating that, “So I see Tyrion Lannister walking in and I say, ‘You bloody bastard, I know how fucking devious you are,’ and I proceeded to protect my teammates by setting the gas lighter on him. We all know that Tyrion is a tricky little shit, and given the Lannister’s sigil is a Lion, it’s a pretty sure bet that he’s a Geelong fan.”
When asked whether the player might be bending the truth somewhat with his far fetched story he replied, “That’s bullshit. You’re just trying to twist this into some story about how the AFL is full of drunken rednecks aren’t you? Well it’s not like I compared Adam Goode to a monkey, did I? That’d be something that should ruin someone’s career, not a dwarf burning incident.”
AFL Commissioner, Andrew Demetriou issued a statement today condemning the incident on the grounds that, “Players need to be focusing on being smarter about the drug cheating, rather than stupid scandals like this that only serve to distract the public from our shoddy testing procedures.”
After initially lashing out at rival driver Will Power and IndyCar officials following the crash that took him out of contention at the Baltimore IndyCar race, Scott Dixon has since apologised to all he insulted and instead blames the wall that impacted with his car.
“That was really irresponsible of the wall,” Dixon told ESPN this evening following the race, “We’re just cruising along, trying to restart the race and then WHAM! The wall just leaps out, grabs my car and smashes it against it. Mum always told me that if I didn’t look where I was going things would jump out and attack me, and that’s clearly what happened today.”
The incident, which occurred when the Kiwi tried to overtake Australian Will Power at the restart was initially viewed as reckless driving by Power, but Dixon insists that wasn’t the case.
“I don’t blame Will at all,” Dixon said. “The reality is he couldn’t have known that my car was about to be attacked by the wall. I mean it’s not like we’ve got mirrors to see who’s coming up behind us, they’re just for checking out how sick our helmets look, I am right?”
Dixon also apologised to IndyCar Beaux Barfield, who didn’t let Dixon’s car get recovered so he could rejoin the race.
“It’s not Beaux’s fault that he’s got to live his life in the shadow of Formula 1’s Charlie Whiting,” Dixon said. “With the pressure of being only the second best steward in the world, in a racing formula that only Americans watch, it’s not surprising he doesn’t know how to enforce IndyCar’s own rules.”