On the back of his recent motorbike tour through North Korean and public endorsement of the regime’s economic achievements, Gareth Morgan has announced plans to make the Wellington Phoenix football club he parts own more like the repressive, Communist state.
Having rounded up journalists off the street at gunpoint, Gareth spoke after a lengthy interpretive dance scene that praised the glorious wisdom and generous spirit of the Morgan Foundation.
“We can learn a lot from the North Koreans,” Morgan said as he inspected each journalists notes for accuracy, “Their national unity, inability to criticise those in power and unequivocal support for their leaders and football sides are things all Kiwis and the Phoenix should learn to emulate.”
“For instance, if the Phoenix lose a match, we’re going to start shooting a member of a random player’s family. That way the team will take to the pitch with patriotic zeal to repeal the imperialist Australian invaders,” Morgan said. “Also, any fan who fails to remove their shirt and swing it around their head will be publicly flogged in the stadium concourse following each match until they repent and realise the error of their subversive ways.”
When asked by Radio Sport whether he might be getting carried away with his own self-importance and the influence of his wealth, Morgan ordered his security staff to have the journalist escorted off the premises and “reeducated.”
Other changes proposed in Morgan’s North Korea overhaul of the Phoenix include:
- Parades of military hardware and synchronised dancers before each match
- The denial of entry to any fans not dressed in Phoenix supporters apparel
- The banning of any mention of how much better times were under former owner Terry Serepisos
- Random assaults on fans and players of opposing teams in response to their “hostile stance towards the eternal glory of the Phoenix” and,
- Renaming of Westpac Stadium during Phoenix matches to the Glorious Arena of Eternal Honour of our Father of Football Gareth Morgan.
Coach Ernie Merrick was unavailable for comment, having apparently volunteered to spend six years performing hard labour on a remote conservation project of the Morgan Foundation.