In a last ditch effort to woo potential voters, Wellington Mayoral candidate John Morrison has sent two separate letters out to eligible male and female voters in the region. To male voters, Morrison sent a short highlights DVD of his international cricketing career, while female voters received candid photos of Morrison in a shower.
Morrison defended both the mass mailing and the move of tailoring his messaging along gender lines as “par for the course.”
“Look, I don’t understand what the fuss is all about. We all know that men love sporting achievements and women love sports men. All I did was cater for their very clearly defined preferences based off 1950s gender stereotypes,” said Morrison.
When asked about the length of the highlights DVD, which only manages 30 seconds on footage, Morrison admitted that it was a hard decision figuring out what to leave out, “Our initial cut, which included all the highlights of my prestigious 17 Tests and 18 One Day Internationals, made it to 40 seconds long, so we took an axe to the bits that may have glorified the contribution of others and had it just focus on me instead.”
Morrison was far more excited about the shower photos that female electors received, noting that the underwear he wore had a large number ‘1’emblazoned on the Y front, “to make it simple for the ladies to know what preference to give me.” Morrison also scoffed at suggestions that women would be put off by the images, saying “I think we all know that the ladies can’t get enough of a mustached walrus, such as myself.”
Meanwhile, rival Mayoral candidate Jack Yan promised to buy the successful Counties-Manukau Steelers from the ITM Cup and promote them up into Super Rugby as a replacement for the Hurricanes, explaining that “We could better spend the $200m to $300m it would cost to fix the Hurricanes on buying the Steelers and turning them into a successful franchise, without the emotional baggage associated with the Hurricanes. It’d also have the added bonus of bringing Tana Umaga back to the Capital, which can only be a good thing.”
Hurricanes fans were today sparred the ignominy of another disappointing Super Rugby season as SANZAR released the 2014 Super Rugby fixtures calender which contained no scheduled matches at all for the Wellington based franchise.
SANZAR CEO Greg Peters said that the decision to remove the Hurricanes from the season calender, while still pretending they were in the competition, was done out of compassion for long suffering Hurricane’s fans who each year find they are over-promised on the side’s potential, before seeing those hopes ruthlessly crushed. “We spent quite some time with the management of the Hurricanes trying to decide what was the best course of action for them,” said Peters, “Ultimately, rather than toy with the hopes and emotions of their loyal fans for yet another year, we all agreed that it’d be better for everyone if they simply didn’t play any Super Rugby fixtures to save everyone from getting embarrassed.”
Hurricane’s coach Mark Hammett welcomed the announcement, saying that he was looking forward to being employed for at least one more year. “I think it’s a really mature decision by SANZAR,” said Hammett, “After all, it should be pretty clear by now that I have no idea what I’m meant to be doing as coach, so at least I can go off and get someone to read to me from some books about the topic.”
Hammett added that he was “fairly certain” that omitting the Hurricanes from all Super Rugby matches in 2014 meant that “we can claim we went unbeaten next year,” but that he would “need to check with Snakey [Conrad Smith] who’ll explain to me how all this stuff actually works.”
The Mad Butcher, Sir Peter Leitch, has said he is madder than usual over Sonny Bill Williams decision to make himself unavailable for the Kiwi’s Rugby League World Cup defence in the UK this year.
Speaking on Radio Sport this morning following the Kiwi’s squad announcement, the Mad Butcher said that it took a lot to raise his anger levels above their already high levels. “I don’t know what game Sonny Bill is playing at because it’s certainly made me slightly more vexed and mentally unhinged than I normally am,” shouted the Mad Butcher, “But he won’t be getting any of my tenderised barbeque steak for only $9.99 a kilo this week, because he seems more obsessed with making money rather than showing any loyalty to his country.”
Leitch added, “I don’t mean to say that Sonny Bill isn’t allowed to make his own choices, like deciding between having some of my tasty corned silverside, only $5.99 a kilo, or scotch fillet steak, only $18.99 a kilo, but after all the support Kiwi rugby league fans have shown him you’d think he’d at least of purchased a few of my Tegel size 12 frozen chickens for only $5.95 each.”
When asked by Radio Sport breakfast host Mark Richardson whether the Mad Butcher actually had a point to make about Sonny Bill’s constant chasing of the sporting media limelight, Leitch snapped back that he did, “The important thing people have to remember about this entire Sonny Bill saga is that nobody, just nobody beats the Mad Butcher’s meat.”
Sonny Bill Williams has turned down a $1 million purse to defend his New Zealand Heavyweight title against up-and-coming boxing sensation Joseph Parker, but has instead agreed to defend it against a 12 year-old trolley boy from Papatoetoe New World.
Williams’ manager, Khoder Nasser rejected the offer to fight Parker who looks set to win his Thursday night bout against timber yard worker Afa Tatupu, after having it presented to the Williams’ camp late last week.
“We just didn’t feel that the match up would be right for Sonny,” said Nasser. “This Parker kid looks to take his boxing pretty seriously, and we wouldn’t want to risk Sonny’s perfect career by putting him up against someone who actually treats this sport as their full time profession. We need someone who, like Sonny, just see’s boxing as something fun to do on the side.”
Nasser went on to reveal Williams’ opponent as Ben Tuvake, Trolley Storage Assistant at Papatoetoe New World. “This Ben kid, he’s a pretty tough opponent for Sonny,” said Nasser. “We hear he just got his first pair of boxing gloves for his 12th birthday a few weeks ago, so he’s going to be right up there on Sonny’s level with that boundless energy and awkward angst that the early years of puberty brings with it. Let’s also not forget that pushing trolleys around a car park for a few hours each week is going to be great strength and endurance conditioning for Tuvake, so we’re counting on him being a real challenge for Sonny.”
Nasser was quick to downplay suggestions that Williams was simply trying to avoid boxing against anyone of any ability, indicating that the Williams’ camp had been working on lining up a bout against boxing great Muhammad Ali, but the overtures had come to nothing with Nasser saying “I’m pretty sure Ali turned down the bout because he was scared about facing up Sonny, who’s clearly the greatest athlete ever.”
McLaren Team Principal, Martin Whitmarsh has today ruled out the Woking based team from making any offer to driver Nico Hulkenberg, stating that the German’s height and talent would both be too much for the team to handle.
Whitmarsh, who was speaking after Hulkenberg recorded his best result in Formula 1, holding of Lewis Hamilton for a masterful fourth place in the Korean Grand Prix, confirmed today that Hulkenberg was not on McLaren’s radar as they look to finalise their 2014 roster.
“It’s obviously disappointing for Nico to hear that we’re not interested in signing him,” said Whitmash, “But the reality is that Hulkenberg is both too tall and too talented to drive for McLaren. His amazing pace, ability to get the best out of an under-performing car and tactical nous on the racetrack would easily show us up for the underachieving outfit that we’ve become.
“I mean, having Nico here would mean everyone would realise just how pedestrian Jenson Button is and we’re fairly certain that we lack the engineering capability to deliver a car that he can drive the wheels off too, like he’s currently doing with Sauber. In other words, it’d make everyone here look even worse than they already do and we can’t have that, especially not me.”
Whitmarsh went on to point out that, “We’re ready to accept that we’re a mid-field team who are happy to live on our past glories for a while longer. As a result of that navel gazing, we don’t think a driver of Nico’s huge talent would be a good fit for our mediocre ambitions or ability.
The Springboks have lodged a complaint with SANZAR in the wake of their defeat in the deciding test of the Rugby Championship over All Blacks manager Darren Shand filling in their team sheet in blue pen rather than black.
Springbok’s manager Ian Schwartz, who ran on the field to complain that he was unable to tell Dane Coles apart from Kevan Mealamu during the match, made the complaint directly to SANZAR CEO Greg Peters during the post-match presentations. Schwartz,who took to the stage and pushed Peters from the microphone, declared that “How can they call themselves the All Blacks when they used blue pen? Blue pen, that’s hardly all black is it?”
Schwartz then turned to Peters and started shouting “What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do? It’s cheating, clear and simple.” Schwartz went on to suggest that the result of the match be declared void and that the Rugby Championship decider be replayed in a sport where South Africa was more likely to win. Schwartz suggested that cricket, football or a “yachting series of 17 races” as possible alternatives.
All Black’s manager Darren Shand apologised for the confusion caused by his using blue pen on the team sheet, assuring people that “Wherever possible I do try and use a black pen, however as a result of human error I forgot to pack black pens in the team bag before. So I asked the Springboks if I could borrow one, but they only had green, red, blue and yellow pens, so I picked blue as the most neutral colour, and because it matches Beauden Barrett’s eyes.”
Schwartz’s post-match complaint speech was cut short when Springbok’s captain, Jean de Villiers tackled him from the stage.
Speaker of the House of Representatives, Republican John Boehner, has today lashed out at the organisers of the Presidents Cup for not stopping the tournament as part of the Federal Government shutdown.
Boehner, who made the announcement after checking he was still getting paid for turning up to Congress, said he was outraged that an event that “seemed to somehow be connected to the President” was allowed to continue while the Republican Party had successfully shut down other, “less important functions of the government, such as cancer research, NASA, aviation security and the tax service”.
“We took a look on the Wikipedia,” Boehner told assembled media on the steps of the Capitol, “and it seems that President Obama is the Honorary Chairman of the Presidents Cup. As a result, we’re pretty sure that means it shouldn’t still be running. I mean, if the President isn’t meant to be working then surely he can’t run a golf tournament.”
When it was put to Boehner that the role of an Honorary Chairman had nothing to do with the Federal Government, Boehner admitted that “I hadn’t realised that,” and promised to speak again once he had “been able to ask Donald Trump what I should say next.”
Meanwhile, a brief interruption to TV coverage of the Presidents Cup was revealed to have been caused by Tiger Woods having sex with a woman inside the TV production truck and accidentally switching off the satellite feed. Woods has apologised for causing the outage, saying that he often gets confused over whether his sponsor’s tagline, Nike’s “Just do it” refers to doing “sport stuff or banging attractive women”. Woods then went on to continue his Four Ball match against the International Team.
The Springboks have promised to add to the imposing atmosphere of Ellis Park in Johannesburg by equipping fans with spears and a selection of powerful handguns to help reinforce the ground’s reputation as being a impregnable fortress for Springbok rugby.
Speaking at the team’s final training session before the weekend, Springbok coach Heyneke Meyer said that following the Springbok’s controversial defeat at Eden Park a few weeks ago, it was important that the players and their fans exacted their revenge.
“We were robbed of victory at Eden Park,” said Meyer, “so we figured it’s only fair that we’ll rob the All Blacks of their property, lives and dignity at Ellis Park. To that end, SARU has been issuing spears and handguns to fans attending the game on Saturday so that everyone is well equipped to ensure that only one team emerges victorious that afternoon.”
Meyer conceded that SARU hadn’t actually needed to give out many weapons, “As most people living in Johannesburg had to be fairly well armed anyway, but we just wanted to make sure that everyone could inflict their own piece of personal revenge on the All Blacks.”
The All Blacks have remained quiet on the subject, aside from injured All Black Cory Jane, who tweeted from Wellington that “Here’s hoping someone takes aim out Ben Smith, I hear he’s the #AllBlacks biggest threat. #JustSaying”, in reference to the uphill battle he faces to reclaim his starting berth on the wing from the talented Otago fullback.
The NZRU also took a fairly relaxed stance to the Springbok’s arming of their fans, with CEO Steve Tew pointing out that they took their own measures to make New Zealand grounds as hostile as possible by “charging inflated prices for tickets, food and drinks. That usually serves to piss off the crowd pretty well.”