Sport Box

Archive - November 2013

United Nations to deploy peacekeepers for Adelaide Ashes test

UN peacekeepers

Meeting in an urgent session, the United Nations Security Council has agreed to deploy an international peacekeeping force to the Adelaide Oval in an effort to defuse tensions between the two cricket sides after Australian Captain Michael Clarke and English bowler James Anderson clashed last week.

UN Secretary General Ban-ki Moon welcomed the move, after last minute negotiations by US Secretary of State John Kerry, fresh from securing a historic deal with Iran on its nuclear ambitions, failed to move Australia and England back from the brick of all out conflict.

“This is a positive step forward for reducing tensions in this volatile conflict,” Mr Moon said after the successful vote. “Obviously, there was a significant risk of the sledging that occurred between Australia and England to escalate into a full blown physical conflict, and it is encouraging to see the international community taking cooperative action to prevent that happening.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron, who brought the resolution for peacekeepers to the Security Council, said that he was pleased the world had stepped in to defend England.

“Obviously the deplorable psychological warfare tactics used by those unruly convicts in Australia during the Battle of Brisbane were just as abhorrent to the Chinese and Russians as they were to us, and that’s really saying something,” Mr Cameron said.

For their part, the Australians appear resigned to accepting the presence of the multi-national task force to keep the teams from coming to blows. Though in what appeared to be a veiled threat, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott wouldn’t rule out taking retaliatory action in the form of random drone strikes with his United States allies in the return 2015 series if England “continues to be a bunch of hypocritical, hypersensitive wankers.”

Country shocked to learn Rugby League World Cup is on


New Zealanders awoke this morning to the shock realisation that a Rugby League World Cup is currently taking place in the United Kingdom and that a team claiming to represent New Zealand, the Kiwis, have made the final against a team representing wealthy league club owners from Australia.

“It’s a major shock to the system,” Michael Smith, an Auckland Warriors supporter, said on Radio Sport. “But are you sure you’re not pulling my leg? I mean, we all know that only Australia, New Zealand and England actually take League seriously, and that hardly makes a World Cup, unless you have a whole lot of one-sided matches against teams like Papua New Guinea, Italy, Ireland or the United States, which would be a bit of a joke wouldn’t it? Who’d take a World Cup like that seriously?”

Sky Television’s CEO, John Fellet said that their ratings numbers backed up the notion that New Zealanders had no idea the tournament was on.

“We’re not surprised the Rugby League World Cup has caught everyone by surprise,” Mr Fellet said. “Our ratings figures showed a peak viewership of seven people for the Kiwi’s semi-final game against the English last weekend. Given that we know four of those people were the Mad Butcher (Sir Peter Leitch) and his family, that’s a lot of people who have better things to do at 3am in the morning, like sleeping, watching the All Blacks win, or getting into fights on Courtenay Place in Wellington.”

When asked whether Sky expected viewership numbers to pick up for the World Cup final this weekend as news of the Kiwis appearance in the final spread, Mr Fellet said they weren’t anticipating anything remarkable.

“I think we’ve all accepted that after the whole Team New Zealand losing the America’s Cup from an 8 – 1 lead, it’s not really worth supporting an underdog team anymore. It almost always ends in disappointment and heartbreak, and we’ve been through far too much of that in 2013 for one lifetime.”

On being told that the Kiwis were the current Rugby League World Champions, having beaten Australia in the final of the 2008 edition of the tournament, Mr Fellet was visibly shocked, “Shit, I didn’t realise that was a World Cup, I just thought it was a three team competition with England, Australia and New Zealand a few other teams there as warm up matches.”

England file ICC complaint over tea and biscuits jibe

james anderson

England have filed a complaint with the International Cricket Council following Australian skipper Michael Clarke telling England’s James Anderson that he had “smashed up all the jammy dodgers and tipped out your precious Earl Grey tea” during the final day of their Ashes clash in Brisbane.

Anderson, who broke down crying after hearing Clarke’s revelation, had to be helped from the field by Umpires as Australia romped home to a rousing victory in the first test.

“It was simply a much too traumatic piece of news for one’s gentle ears to hear on the field after a hard day’s toil,” James Anderson said at the post-match press conference. “One finds it very difficult to comprehend why Mr Clarke would be so unkind as to take out his feelings on one’s biscuits and tea.”

“As a result of Mr Clarke’s deplorable actions, one had no choice but to ask one’s team management to escalate this inconvenience to the ICC,” Anderson added.

In an official media release, the England team noted that being unable console James Anderson was only part of their motivation for filing the complaint, and that his actions had also impacted on the team’s ability to eat the various “super foods” that they had stipulated Australian hotels had to provide for them on their tour.

“Regrettably, Clarke’s actions in destroying Her Majesty’s English Cricketer’s stocks of tea and biscuits has left Her Majesty’s Cricketers with only a handful of super foods to fuel our Ashes campaign. Her Majesty’s Cricketers have been forced to fall back on Her Majesty’s stocks of Pork Pies, Cornish Pasties, Yorkshire Puddings and Bubble and Squeak to give Her Majesty’s Cricketers the physical conditioning they need to triumph.”

Clarke, for his part, defended his actions, saying that the whole incident had been blown out of proportion and that it was “nothing that a cold VB, hot chicken parma and a riot in Cronulla couldn’t solve.”

Gareth Morgan offers to buy NZ Football, send Board to North Korea

gareth morgan as a cat

Wellington philanthropist, motorcyclist, cat hater and rival of Kim Dotcom for media attention, Gareth Morgan has offered to buy New Zealand Football for $5 million in the wake of the All White’s loss to Mexico. As part of the proposed deal, the existing Board of NZ Football would be sent to a re-educational facility in North Korea for what Dr Morgan has described as “remedial football, management and correct attitude to cats training.”

“I got the idea from my recent visit to North Korea,” Dr Morgan said from his backyard where he continues his six-long stakeout to catch his neighbour’s cat. “Over in North Korea, the Government owns all the sporting codes and take a proactive interest in the well-being of their sporting psyche. When a team isn’t performing, rather than letting the players and coaches continue to disappoint themselves and the fans, they take them out of the spotlight and put them to more productive uses, like quarrying rocks for motorways or working in nuclear reactors without protection.

“I really like the way that North Korea operates and takes such an active interest in people who aren’t living up to their patriotic ideals, so I’ve made this offer in the best interests of New Zealand football fans and the poor Board of NZ Football who, sadly, can’t see how their defensive mindset is playing into the hand’s of the Imperialists at FIFA,” continued Dr Morgan.

Dr Morgan, who made the proposal over the weekend after internet mogul and obesity poster child Kim Dotcom stole media attention from him last week by saying New Zealand was boring, said that if the Government also contributed $10 million, then his dream of cleaning up New Zealand football “for its own good” could become a reality.

For their part, NZ Football Chair Frank van Hattum rubbished Dr Morgan’s proposal, suggesting that he’d “send Gareth another wooden spoon to jolt his memory on his track record with the Phoenix.”

Irish rue failure to find four leaf clover

israel dagg

Ireland have been left contemplating what might have been after their failure to locate a four leaf clover to appease the leprechaun they’d made a deal with to win the game meant that their run of bad luck against the All Blacks continued as the tourists stormed to a 24 – 22 come from behind win at Aviva Stadium.

Irish coach, New Zealand born Joe Schmidt, revealed before the game that he’d done a deal with a leprechaun before the match in order to give the home side the extra spark they needed to record an historic win against the All Blacks. The leprechaun had only one request, the Irish needed to find him a four leaf clover before the match finished otherwise he’d see that the the luck of the Irish was no more.

The leprechaun kept his part of the deal, spurring Ireland on to a commanding 19 – 0 lead inside the first quarter. However, on noticing that Schmidt had not assigned any of his reserves to scour the field at Aviva Stadium for any four clovers, reminded them of his power to influence the result by having Aaron Cruden put a deft kick in behind the Irish line that said Julian Savea score his 19th try in 20 tests.  In response, Schmidt ordered his medical staff and water boys to start the search for the elusive plant.

“We were hoping that the leprechaun would have just forgotten about the deal,” Schmidt said after the match. “We gave him a keg of Guinness, a sack of potatoes and were pretty sure that the roaring of the crowd would keep him distracted until after the full time whistle. But the leprechaun let in that Savea try, we started shitting ourselves.

“I mean, do you know how hard it is to find a four leaf clover? I looked for a handful of minutes as a child and never found one.”

As the All Blacks comeback mounted in the second half, Schmidt was forced to substitute the talismanic Brian O’Driscoll to join in the search. “We figured if anyone could find the clover, it’d be Brian. Nobody has wanted to beat the All Blacks more, but all Brian did was sit on the sidelines and hold his head in his hands. What was with that?”

When Jonathan Sexton missed a handy penalty to the right of the posts, Schmidt himself came down to the sidelines to plead with the leprechaun, “I begged him,” Schmidt said, “I said we’d find him as many four leaf clovers as he wanted if he let us hold on, but he wouldn’t have a bar of it. His just gave me the middle finger salute, chuckled to himself and vanished without a trace. Next thing I knew, Ryan Crotty was scoring and our luck was over.”

Schmidt went on to concede that, “In retrospect, we probably should have put more effort into closing out the game to prevent the All Blacks coming back rather than making deals with leprechauns. But at least the people of Ireland might finally get over that who Umaga/Mealamu tackle on Brian and so they can focus on complaining about this instead.”

Herbert chains self to stadium, refuses to stand down as All Whites coach

ricki herbert

All Whites coach Ricki Herbert has chained himself to the railings of Westpac Stadium in Welilngton overnight in an apparent attempt to remain as head of the national football side. Herbert appears to have taken the action immediately after the final whistle where the All Whites lost 4 – 2 against a dominant Mexican side, and is currently in a standoff with stadium security.

“I took you to the 2010 World Cup,” a visibly distressed Herbert shouted as security first approached. “A World Cup, doesn’t that mean anything to any of you?”

The standoff continued throughout the night, with Herbert desperately trying to list his various achievements to anyone who would listen.

“Don’t you remember the games against Bahrain? We drew, then we won. We won! I coached that, me!” Herbert said before adding, “And the Phoenix, remember them? I took us to the minor final, we finished third overall in 2009-10, third. It was so exciting, we had such big crowds, you all love me. There was talk of a knighthood.”

“Where’s my knighthood John Key?” Herbert said before he collapsed into a sobbing heap.

New Zealand Football Chairman Frank van Hattum was unavailable for comment last night, largely due to the fact that no journalist could rouse him from his comatose state on the Westpac Stadium concourse. However All Whites stand-in Captain, Tommy Smith, was more circumspect on Herbert’s actions.

“Let him keep calling himself All Whites coach if he wants,” Smith said. “It’s not like it’ll make much of a difference. We never really listened to anything he said anyway.”

Updated: Westpac Stadium have confirmed Herbert remains chained in the stadium.


England’s Mitsubishi Chariot stuck on M25

mitsubishi chariot

Following their 30 – 22 defeat by the All Blacks at the weekend, England coach Stuart Lancaster has blamed the result on the failure of the titular Mitsubishi Chariot from the team’s official anthem, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” to make it to Twickenham on time due to traffic on London’s M25 oribital motorway.

“It’s hugely disappointing that our Mitsubishi Chariot couldn’t make it to the game,” a dejected looking Lancaster said at the post-match press conference on Saturday evening. “But due to there being perpetual roadworks along the length of the M25, the Chariot didn’t arrive at the grounds until an hour after the final whistle.”

“What makes it even more galling is that all our fans were signing for the Chariot because they knew it should have been there,” Lancaster said. “They’d have loved the sight of 1.1 tons of Japanese assembled automobile ripping around the park, running down All Blacks at will.

“Hell, I’d have told the driver to go after Julian Savea first if he’d been able to make it on time,” Lancaster added, “Because it’s bloody clear nobody else in our team was bothering about stopping him.”

After the press conference, reporters located the Mitsubishi Chariot in Twickenham’s carpark with The Times rugby correspondent and frequent All Blacks’ critic Stephen Jones visibly drunk behind the wheel. Jones, who refused to wind down the vehicle’s windows when approached, shouted at journalists through the glass that he “wasn’t coming out until someone tells me that England’s inability to beat the All Blacks was all just a bad dream.”

At the time of writing Stephen Jones was still inside the van some 36 hours after the final whistle.

Losing team to be blood sacrifice in Mexico City

Xipe_Totec_1 (1)

The stakes have been raised in the All Whites Football World Cup qualifying game at Estadio Azteca against Mexico, with the host team today declaring that the losing side would become a human sacrifice to Xipe Totec, the Aztec god of life, death and rebirth, in an attempt to improve the fortune’s of their country’s national side.

Miguel Herrera, the Mexican national coach, made the announcement of the human sacrifice as a statement of how confident he was that Mexico would annihilate New Zealand in their Wednesday evening (local time) match in Mexico City.

“Our side has nothing to fear from being sacrificed to Xipe Totec,” Herrera said this morning, “as clearly we’re not going to lose to a side as lowly ranked as New Zealand. I fully intend for us to first smash New Zealand in front of our fans at Estadio Azteca, then to smash their skulls at altars to the old Aztec gods.” Herrera then demonstrated his smashing technique by shattering a watermelon on the desk in front of him, “See, that’s how easy this is going to be.”

Surprisingly, Ricki Herbert and the All Whites’ camp have reacted positively to the news of their impending violent deaths.

“Look, at the very least it’ll save us embarrassing ourselves on the return leg back in Wellington,” Herbert said from the team’s training camp in Los Angeles. “And if Ben Sigmund does anything stupid that costs us the game, I’ll personally volunteer to cleave his skull in two for Xipe Totec before they whack me on the head.”

Herbert went on to add that, “It also means that I’ll avoid that awkward end to my professional coaching career where everyone remembers how I coached the All Whites to two humiliating defeats against Mexico. Instead, they’ll remember my blood curdling screams of agony as my heart is ripped out while still beating as well as when coaching the All Whites to be undefeated in Group F at the 2010 World Cup.”