Sport Box

Archive - November 2013

Emirates relieved at no female jockeys in Melbourne Cup


Melbourne Cup sponsor and United Arab Emirate’s airline, Emirates, have expressed relief at discovering that they will no longer have to face the prospect of presenting the Melbourne Cup to a female jockey, or asking to see her husband’s written permission for her to compete, with none selected to ride any of the horses in the prestigious event.

An Emirates spokesman today confirmed that the airline had been feeling uneasy about the potential of having its name associated with a woman proving successful in a sporting event dominated by men, “Obviously we’re hugely relieved,” the spokesman said by phone from Dubai. “Our well established position is that women are only useful for bearing children, serving refreshments onboard our airplanes, or standing in carefully choreographed formations in the background of major sporting events. Unless we could get written approval from the woman’s husband that she was allowed to be in the race, we would have to ask the race organisers to disqualify her. It would have been a most awkward situation for everyone involved.”

When asked what the airline thought of leading female trainers such as Gai Waterhouse being in line for winning the Cup, the spokesman said that wouldn’t be an issue for them, “Oh her? No, Gai is completely fine as we made her husband give us written permission to deal with her. She has sold us many fine race horses and we just close our eyes and pretend we’re dealing with her son, Tom. He’s such a nice lad. Why won’t they let him appear on TV as much anymore? This disappoints our sponsorship greatly and we wish a great deal more people could bet money with him.”

For her part, Gai Waterhouse said she had no problem reconciling the United Arab Emirates’ conservative position on women’s rights with their involvement in Australia’s showpiece horse racing event. Speaking from a bath tub full of money, Waterhouse said that “Oh they’re just darlings. Did they mention if they’d like to buy anymore horses off me?”


McCullum escapes home to avoid Blackcaps embarrassment

Brendon McCullum

New Zealand Blackcap’s captain, Brendon McCullum, has fled home from Bangladesh over the weekend after feigning an injury in a move he described as an attempt to “avoid being associated with New Zealand cricket becoming even more of an international laughing stock.”

McCullum, who struggled to contribute a score higher than 22 during the tour, made the comments during his flight home from Bangladesh, during which he drank the plane dry of its stocks of Jim Beam and Coca-Cola premixes.

“It was best for the team that I left them to it,” McCullum is reported to have said to his neighbouring passenger in business class. “And by team, I mean me. I really don’t deserve to have my reputation as the greatest batsman since Donald Tendulkar sullied by being part of a Blackcap’s outfit that got trampled by Bangladesh. I mean at this rate we’ve got to hope like hell Zimbabwe don’t suddenly start playing well, we could really be in the shit you know.”

McCullum added that, “I could have stuck around for the Twenty20, but had we lost that too it’d have just encouraged Ross Taylor to keep pointing out that he scored more runs than me. And yous and me both know that it’s not about how many runs you score in cricket, it’s about how cool you look trying to score them that counts.”

Blackcap’s management have declined to comment on McCullum’s revelations, aside from saying that they were “Glad Brendon has started his rest and rehabilitation from his non-specified injury or illness and that we wish our saviour all the best as he convalesces with Jessie Ryder over the summer.”