Sport Box

Archive - February 2014

McCullum finds triple-century removes Taylor’s bloodstains

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Following scoring his record breaking batting exploits over the past few days, Blackcap’s skipper Brendon McCullum has revealed that scoring his triple-century also had the added benefit of removing the bloodstains left on his clothes following his backstabbing of former captain Ross Taylor.

“I’d tried everything,” McCullum told reporters in the Blackcap’s changing room after the match, “Napisan, Friend Oxy-Action, baking soda – even spitting on the stains – but none of them worked. I still had several large splatters of blood over my uniform from where Ross Taylor’s blood sprayed on me as I twisted, then removed the knife from his back.

“However as soon as I came back into the changing rooms after being dismissed for 302, all the stains were gone – as if by magic,” McCullum said. “It’s really quite remarkable. At first I didn’t believe it, but as I rummaged through my kit bag and checked my clothes, all the blood stains were gone. I’m pretty sure not even CSI Miami could find traces of my treachery now.”

Blackcap’s coach Mike Hesson expressed his relief for his captain.

“You can’t imagine my relief when Brendon told me that the final piece of evidence relating to the crime was gone. We all know that blood is even harder than red wine to remove from fabrics so we always knew it’d take something special to dissolve the sheer quantities of Taylor’s blood involved,” Hesson said.

“I’m obviously extremely happy that Brendon can now join me in enjoying a guilt free existence after the events of that night. After all, there’s absolutely no evidence linking me to rumours that I was the guy who hid behind Ross Taylor’s hotel curtains with the chloroform.”

Arsenal to only play one half in future games to combat sports cliché shortage

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English Premier League club Arsenal have decided to no longer put in full 90 minute performances in an effort to combat a growing world-wide shortage of sporting clichés following their heavy use by sporting journalists over the last 12 months.

In revealing the decision on Monday, owner of a humourous first name and Arsenal club manager Arsené Wenger assured fans that the move was a “necessary step to preserve this vital resource” and that they “wouldn’t notice any discernible difference in the results the team delivers as we’ve reached that stage of the season where we drop out of the title race anyway.”

“The field of sports journalism faces an enormous crisis,” said Wenger. “The reckless use of sporting clichés such as ‘it was a game of two halves’ or ‘the whole team put in a 90 minute performance’ has lead to these phrases becoming endangered in the wild. As a sometimes leading football club, we’ve decided to take it on ourselves to help preserve these words by ensuring we avoid doing anything that will stimulate journalists to continue their thoughtless pillaging of our language.”

Along with the move to only play the second halves of all their matches, a move which now explains Arsenal’s shock 5 – 1 loss to Liverpool, other moves by the club include:

  • Players are now limited to only giving 87% of their full effort, in order to prevent commentators saying they gave 110%.
  • Instead of taking the season one game at a time, Arsenal will now break the season into four game chunks and pretend they’ve already qualified for the Champion’s League.
  • Arsenal will no longer bring their A game to any match. Instead they will always play their B game to allow A game stocks to recover.
  • Players are prohibited from thanking supernatural beings for wins. Instead they must thank their parents for providing them with the genetic predisposition to become great athletes and for nurturing those abilities, along with also acknowledging the roles of coaches and fellow players throughout their careers in bringing out the best of them.
  • Wenger himself will no longer focus on Arsenal playing its own game, instead he will focus entirely on other teams playing their games.
  • When Arsenal is losing a match they will no longer try to win to avoid any “come from behind” victories or opposition teams being accused of it being “their game to lose.”

“If these changes were adopted across all sporting codes, we would expect the majority of sporting cliché populations to have recovered by 2022,” Wenger said before adding, “and that way we might actually have a chance of winning something for a change.”

 

Seven’s attendee finds attempt at irony by not wearing costume awkward

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Wellingtonian James Donovan has today discovered that his attempt go to the Sevens dressed as someone who wasn’t wearing a costume backfired when no one else attending the Sevens understood the irony of his carefully chosen outfit of denim shorts, a smart casual shirt and sensible hat.

Turning up at the two day event, famous for it’s creative, raunchy and often minimalistic costumes, Mr Donovan was confronted by hordes of fans asking him why he hadn’t bothered to get in costume for the day. “But I am in costume,” Mr Donovan protested, “I’m dressed as someone who didn’t get dressed up for the Sevens.”

Mr Donovan’s attempt at irony was met by blank stares from the first group to ask him about his lack of costume.

“I don’t get it, you’re just in normal clothes, that’s not a costume” a confused looking Crayola Crayon replied.

Mr Donovan was made to feel more awkward when a group of NFL quarterbacks tried to give him one of their helmet’s to wear so that he didn’t feel left out. “Can’t you see I’m dressed as someone who didn’t realise this was a costumed event?” said Mr Donovan as the quarterbacks attempted to remove his hat and trade it with a helmet.

“Nah bro, you need a helmet, can’t have people thinking you didn’t make an effort,” said one of the quarterbacks.

Mr Donovan admitted that he had been somewhat taken by surprise by no one understanding his costume.

“You’d think it’d be quite obvious,” Mr Donovan said while being pointed out by other Seven’s fans. “I mean, you just don’t turn up at the Sevens in normal clothes, everyone knows you have to have a costume, so by turning up in normal clothes it’s clearly an attempt to be ironic about the entire situation, isn’t it?”

When asked whether the lack of comprehension of his costume choice would impact his ability to enjoy the day, Mr Donovan conceded that, “Yeah, it’s pretty stink. I might just head home and make myself a cup of tea and watch a re-run of Coronation Street instead.”

Waikato Chiefs appoint entire team as co-captains

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Having successfully used the concept of co-captains to win their back-to-back Super Rugby titles, the Waikato Chiefs have announced today that they will be extending the co-captaincy model so that everyone in the Chief’s squad will be considered co-captains during the 2014 Super Rugby season. At the same time, head coach Dave Rennie has elevated his former assistants alongside him, making himself, Wayne Smith, Tom Coventry and Andrew Strawbridge all co-coaches.

The move to extend the captaincy to all players caught rugby media off guard, who had widely expected Rennie to fill the leadership gap left by Craig Clarke’s overseas departure by naming All Black’s Aaron Cruden alongside Liam Messam as co-captains. However after having read out Cruden and Messam’s names as captains, Rennie proceeded to read out the names of every player on the Chief’s roster.

“Look, we acknowledge that this is a bit of a revolution in team leadership models,” admitted Rennie during the announcement. “But the co-captain concept has worked well for us and we all know it’s vital for team’s to keep on evolving. So as a group we sat down and thought about where we could take this concept, and it just came naturally that everyone on the field deserves to be a leader.”

When asked whether the team-wide co-captaincy model would create confusion during matches, Rennie revealed the team had already worked through that issue.

“What will happen is if we need to make an on-field decision, such as whether to kick for goal or the corner off a penalty, the team will get together and form two committees, each supporting one of the options. They’ll then have a quick debate which a nominee from each committee making their case before everyone votes on it. That way we get an outcome that everyone is responsible for.”

Despite their confidence in the new co-captain model working on-field, Rennie was less certain how it would work for managing substitutions.

“Oh yeah, that’s a good question. I’ll have to check with my co-coaches, but I guess we’ll have a vote on what we should do, the team will have to have a vote on field as to who to sub off while the guys on the bench have a vote on who to sub on. Hopefully we’ll get the right player on the field.”