Sport Box

Archive - October 2014

Scientists analyse sweat of Wellington Lions to discover what defeat smells like

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Following a raft of discoveries to see what the moon, comets and outer space smelt like, scientists have taken swabs of sweat from the Wellington Lions to undercover what exactly what defeat smells of.

Much to their surprise, the stuff of crushed dreams and dashed hopes smells much like two day old seafood pizza along with a significant whiff of the type of plywood you find in wooden cooking utensils from Briscoes. The unique qualities of the smell seem to be driven by the high salt quantity of sweat, combined via a hot air induction process known as egofication with the remnants of too many team bonding sessions.

“It’s a truly remarkable smell to recreate in the lab,” said Dr Phil Pensky of Victoria University, “and being able to scientifically identify the chemical markers of losers means coaches can select players for their teams with much more confidence than every before.”

Sadly for Wellington sports fans, the smell has been found to be universal across its sporting franchises, with the chemical markers indicative of the smell being revealed as commonplace amongst its players.

“It’s hugely disappointing,” said John “Mystery” Morrison from his shower. “No matter how hard I try I’ve been trying to get rid of this smell for months but I just can’t.”

Scientists are divided on whether the smell is contagious, however their initial results into the Canterbury Crusaders appear to indicate that the smell of victory may be sugar based.

FIFA to use Sepp Blatter’s ego to block sun in Qatar

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FIFA have announced a revolutionary new plan to help mitigate the controversy surrounding Qatar’s successful bid to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup – placing FIFA’s President Sepp Blatter above each of the stadiums so that his ego can block the harsh desert sun.

The new plan comes after FIFA was forced to abandon other proposals to combat the issue of daytime temperatures in Qatar regularly soaring above 40°c, which included finding the off switch for the sun, relocating the polar icecaps to the Middle East for the duration of the tournament, or providing unlimited frozen Coca-Cola for players during matches.

“After we evaluated our existing heat management ideas and learned they were either very expensive, couldn’t be bribed, or were scientifically improbable, we realised that we had under our noses the most impenetrable force in all of human existence – the ego of our President Sepp Blatter,” a FIFA spokesperson said.

“President Blatter has demonstrated time and time again that he is impervious to all forms of heat, able to survive corruption scandals, allegations of incompetence, and even the universal criticism of his recent re-election advertisement – the film United Passions. As a result, we are entirely confident that by suspending President Blatter in the sky above each match, the immense size of his ego will be able to repel the harsh rays of the sun and allow players and fans enjoy the best football Qatari Riyals can buy.”

Blatter, for his part, is said to be excited by the prospect of being able to attend every match at the tournament, commenting that the move would allow everyone to “literally bask in my shadow, as opposed to the metaphorical basking they are required to do now.”

Country confused as cricket, rugby seasons overlap

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Thousands of New Zealanders reported awaking in a state of utter confusion this morning as they realised that the cricket and rugby seasons are poised to overlap with the Blackcap’s season opener in Mt Maunganui occurring before the domestic rugby season has concluded.

Chief among the victims of this mass epidemic of confusion was Sky Sports rugby and cricket commentator Ian Smith.

“I have no idea which cliches to use in my commentary,” Smith told Radio Sport’s Crowd Goes Wild Breakfast. “I’m meant to be calling today’s Blackcaps match, but all I’m thinking about is how my beloved Hawkes Bay Magpies are going to do in the ITM Cup Championship.”

Other sports fans also phoned into the show reporting symptoms such as being unable to decide whether to wear a Blackcaps or an All Blacks top while mowing the lawns this weekend, or if it’s okay to start talking about cricket with work colleagues who might also be dealing with the season overlap.

“It’s a well established scientific fact that sports fans can only handle one sporting obsession at a time,” Sports Scientist Mike Doherty said. “So having such a significant overlap in the seasons of sporting codes creates an existential crisis for many sports fans out there. Do they stay supporting their rugby team and risk missing out on the early action of the cricket season, or do they start following the Blackcaps and risk being ostracised by their friends when they didn’t watch the weekend’s rugby matches?

“There’s no easy answer. Suffice to say, if you find a sports fan laying prone on the floor and unable to function, simply cover them with a blanket, make sure they’re comfortable, and wait until December when the rugby season finally finishes.”

Wallabies squad resigns after losing respect of Australia

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The entire Wallabies squad has announced their resignation this morning after captain Michael Hooper admitted that, following Saturday night’s last minute loss to the All Blacks, the team had lost the respect of all Australians. The shock announcement follows the resignation of Wallabies coach Ewen McKenzie, who threw in the towel after losing the respect of the team.

“On reflection, we’ve had two opportunities to beat the All Blacks on home soil this year, and we choked on both of them,” Hooper said at a press conference this morning. “We clearly played the better rugby all night and yet we couldn’t defend a 10 point lead against a 14 man All Blacks team.

“Combined with the earlier 12-all draw in Sydney, even I’m finding it hard to have any respect for myself,” Hooper continued.

Center Adam Ashley-Cooper, who racked up 100 tests for the Wallabies on Saturday night, conceded that he’d been struggling to have any respect for Hooper for a number of months, “I mean with that haircut, can anyone take him seriously as captain? He’s more focused protecting his golden locks for a post-rugby career as a shampoo model than he is on winning possession at the breakdown.”

Australian Rugby Union Chief Executive Bill Pulver said that while the mass resignation was unfortunate, it had been expected.

“It doesn’t surprise me that the team has taken responsibility for the mess we’re now in, and while it leaves us in a bit of a conundrum as to who we’ll send on our northern hemisphere tour this year, it means I can wipe my hands of this entire sorry affair,” Pulver said.

While nearly all of the Wallabies’ resignations are effective immediately, recently recalled play maker Quade Cooper has asked for his resignation to be backdated several years in acknowledgement that he never had the respect of the Australian rugby public to begin with.

Colin Slade starts optioning movie script sequel to ‘The Kick’

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Fresh from his exclusion from the All Black’s end of year tour squad, discarded utility Colin Slade has begun optioning a movie script which he envisages as a “sequel to Stephen Donald’s ‘The Kick’ which debuted on New Zealand screens this August.

“Look, Beaver is so 2011, I’m the hero of the moment and I deserve some recognition,” Slade said to reporters outside TVNZ headquarters in Auckland this morning. “I think it’s an inspirational story, the fourth choice first five who missed out on glory in the last World Cup, gets recalled to the squad after injury and drunken stupidity take out two of his rivals, and he nails the winning conversion.”

An annotated copy of the script, given to media by Slade himself as he whispered “here you go, call it a studio leak, that’ll get people excited,” contains casting suggests for the movie, with Slade to be be played by Chris Hemsworth, and All Blacks coach Steve Hansen to be portrayed by Stephen Fry.

Slade’s first five rivals, Daniel Carter, Aaron Cruden and Beauden Barrett, are not referred to by name throughout the entire script.

“Look, you’d have to ask the screenwriter about that. I’d assume it’s a metaphor or something,” Slade replied to questions about the omission of their names. However when challenged that Slade himself was the screenwriter, as per the credits on the script, Slade lashed out, “Do you want the leaked copy or not?”

Following his being turned away at TVNZ’s reception desk by security guards, Colin Slade was seen a the local New World stocking up on Coca Cola products with ‘Win a trip on tour with the All Blacks’ promotional material on it, despite this competition having closed some months ago, being for the final few matches of the recently concluded Rugby Championship.