Sport Box

Archive - March 2015

Cricket World Cup final officially purged from New Zealand history

Australia's wicketkeeper Brad Haddin celebrates with team-mate James Faulkner after dismissing New Zealand's Grant Elliott for 83 runs during their Cricket World Cup final match at the MCG

Following their defeat in the final of the Cricket World Cup against Australia, the Blackcaps have removed all references to the match from New Zealand Cricket’s official records, with the governing body now saying that the Blackcaps went undefeated in the six week tournament.

When approached this morning in Melbourne, Chief Executive of New Zealand Cricket David White said he didn’t know what reporters were referring to when they asked about the World Cup final. “What, the World Cup has a final?” said White as he hurried to a waiting taxi. “The Blackcaps played their last game in the World Cup against South Africa in Auckland on Tuesday, we ended our World Cup on a high. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

On further questioning, including having Radio Sport’s Tony Veitch thrusting copies of local papers proclaiming Australia’s victory in his face, David White collapsed on the pavement and adopted the fetal position, while blocking his ears and shouting “Hesson loves me, Hesson loves me,” repeatedly to himself.

As the Blackcaps emerged from their hotel they were equally unwilling to talk about a match they claimed never happened.

“No, no idea why we’re in Melbourne actually,” said Brendon McCullum as he attempted to come to White’s rescue. “We won in Auckland on Tuesday and next thing I know I woke up this morning in Melbourne as if nothing had happened in the last few days.

“I tell you what, it’s great to be an undefeated World Cup captain,” McCullum added as he and fellow opener Martin Guptill carried White inside.

The only Blackcap who wasn’t toeing the official line of denying the final ever took place was hero of both Tuesday and Sunday, Grant Elliott. “Yeah, I can see why none of them want last night included on the records,” the South African-born Wellingtonian said. “After all, the way some of them batted last night it’s not like they really bothered turning up to play anyway, was it?”

 

 

Guptill decides to leave on a high, announces immediate retirement

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Blackcaps star opener Martin Guptill has announced his immediate retirement from all forms of cricket, citing that it was better to get out now before he crumbled under the immense weight of expectation in Tuesday’s semi-final show down against South Africa.

“Well you saw what all that pressure did to Brendon McCullum didn’t you? He was on fire leading into the World Cup and now, after that blinder against England, he’s playing like shit and people are calling on him to be dropped,” said Guptill. “Why on earth would I want to sink back to that low?”

Guptill’s retirement leaves a big hole in the Blackcaps batting line up, with his recent efforts having papered over the fact that no other batsman in the squad is currently in form.

“Look, it’s an issue and we’re aware of it,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson, “but the reality is that despite the hype, there’s little chance of us beating South Africa tomorrow, so as a team we’re pretty relaxed about it and are looking forward to crashing back to earth.”

“As a nation, we need to be honest about this, we’ve always known when the big knockout games came about we’d be in for a hiding, so we’re better to just accept that fate now rather than keeping on fooling ourselves.”

While many expected Guptill’s sudden departure would see the return of exiled opener Jessie Ryder, Hesson confirmed that wouldn’t be the case, and that taking the field with only 10 players would shorten the amount of time that South Africa would be able to humiliate the Blackcaps for.