Sport Box

Archive - April 2015

Dan Carter arrested after police raid finds voodoo doll of Aaron Cruden

aaron cruden

Crusader Dan Carter has been arrested by police following a raid on his Auckland home that uncovered a voodoo doll of his rival for the All Blacks, Chief’s fly half Aaron Cruden.

The voodoo doll of Cruden, who has been ruled out for up to six months after rupturing the anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee, was reportedly found with a hammer resting on its own left knee, raising suspicions that Carter may have used foul play to keep the man who used to be his understudy out of the All Blacks’ Rugby World Cup squad.

“It’s obviously early days, but we’re fully supportive of the police investigation,” said All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen this morning. “We were aware that Dan had been acting strangely around Cruden during All Blacks camps, including following him to the barbers, digging up his dead relatives, but we’d put it all down to team shenanigans and high jinks.

“Clearly, in light of injuries to other first fives over the past few years, we’re assisting police in tracking Dan’s movements over an extended period of time to see if his voodoo powers may have been involved in any of their injuries.” Hansen continued.

Police are also rumoured to have discovered the decapitated body of a horse in the boot of Dan Carter’s car, though they have yet to comment whether this horse may be connected to the recently absent Crusader mascot horse “Blinky” who has been missing from Crusader’s home games this season.

Carter’s other rival, Hurricane’s fly half Beauden Barrett, wouldn’t comment on the possibility that Carter was attempting to curse his health. “I honestly don’t know,” said Barrett, “I mean some days you wake up and there’s a severed horse head in the bed next to you and it makes you wonder, but I’m too busy avoiding ladders and black cats to worry about that sort of thing.”

Rugby World Cup 2011 hero Stephen Donald has responded to the news by repeatedly posting photos of him with the Webb Ellis trophy on social media.

Chess grandmaster revealed to be a cat

cat

Already reeling from the scandal of Georgian chess grandmaster Gaioz Nigalidze cheating using an iPhone during a tournament, the world of professional chess has been rocked again by news that British grandmaster Felis Catus is in fact a cat.

Felis, who is famous for being the only player to battle both Gary Kasparov and the IBM super computer Deep Blue to draws by knocking over every piece on the board, has long been regarded as one of the most difficult opponents on the professional chess circuit. Over the years numerous opponents have been forced to concede draws in matches against them following Felix accidentally knocking over every piece on the board.

“I honestly never suspected a thing,” said Kasparov when approached for comment. “I just thought Felis was a really crafty player. I always thought the way he’d gingerly reach out and bat his pieces around the board with seemingly  no rhyme or reason was just a ploy to throw me off. And that time he fell asleep on the board and we had to call off the match, well he just looked really tired when he curled up into a little ball.”

World Chess authorities have started an immediate review of how they regulate tournaments held around the world.

“We’re genuinely shocked by allegations that Felis Catus may be a cat,” said a spokesman for the World Chess Board via telegram, “We’re going to thoroughly investigate this matter and expect to have an outcome in about seven to eight years,” the spokesman continued, noting that it had taken them that long to realise that iPhones were actually “a thing”.

For his part, Felis has not yet commented on the claims, instead playfully batting at and biting any microphones put near him.

Brad Thorn retires from rugby to take up career as Strepsils’ spokesman

brad

Dual international Brad Thorn has announced his retirement from all forms of rugby so he can pursue a career as a spokesman for throat lozenge brand Strepsils, following years of team mates being unable to understand him due to his husky voice.

Sucking on one of his sponsor’s products, a surprisingly articulate Thorn spoke about his decision at at press conference in Leicester overnight.

“It’s a move I’ve had on my radar for some time,” Thorn said, his voice clear of the grit that is usually associated with the towering lock, “My old husky voice has given me plenty of trouble over the years. It’s the reason why each my family heads to the Gold Coast for Christmas.

“It all started when my wife asked what I wanted for Christmas one year, I was trying to say ‘I’d really like to go get a cold roast’, but all she heard was ‘like to go Gold Coast.’ I mean, I bloody hate the Gold Coast, it’s full of people from Auckland and Hamilton, why would anyone ever want to go there?”

Thorn also revealed that his notoriously difficult to understand voice had been the reason behind his switch to rugby league.

“Some interviewer was asking me whether I’d ever leave rugby, and I actually replied ‘rugby, leave?’ and laughed at him. Unfortunately he mishead it as rugby league and next thing you know everyone was writing up that I was leaving to head across the Tasman, so I pretty much had to go.”

For their part, Strepsils are understood to be rapt with their new brand ambassador.

“It’s great that someone with such an iconic sounding sore throat voice such as Brad Thorn will be promoting the benefits of Strepsils to our consumers,” said a spokeswomen for Strepsils. “Even though we’re pretty sure he doesn’t ever need our product as there’s no record of Brad Thorn having ever caught a cold in his life.”