Sport Box

Archive - June 2015

Phil Kearns “I’m not biased, I just really really love the Waratahs”

phil kearns

Hitting back at suggestions that he was overly biased in his commentary during the Waratah’s lose to the Highlanders in their Super Rugby semi final in Sydney on Saturday night, Phil Kearns labelled his critics “losers” who “wouldn’t know a game of rugby if they tripped over it.”

Following the legally correct ruling from referee Craig Joubert to sin-bin the man with the most difficult surname to pronounce in Australian rugby, Jacques Potgieter, Phil Kearns has been slammed by fans for being overly biased. “God, he’s worse than if Murray Mexted and Justin Marshall had a love child, isn’t he?” said John Roberts from his Dunedin flat on Saturday evening. “Not only does he have an eye-patch on, but he’s got a blue tinted contact lens in his one good eye,” Roberts continued.

“Didn’t realise Phil Kearns was auditioning for Channel Nine’s cricket commentary team,” said Twitter user @Scarfie4eva, while local commentator Grant Nisbett chimed in, “Shit, even the Mad Butcher could learn something from Kearnsy.”

For his part, Phil Kearns was unrepentant and denied he possessed any bias.

“Look, I’m not biased, I just really really love the Waratahs. Like really, have you seen my Waratah’s tattoo? I got it right next to my Wallaby and Southern Cross tattoos, means I fit right into the crowd at King’s Cross on a Friday night,” said Kearns over the phone on Sydney radio this morning.

“It’s not my fault the ref couldn’t just forget his job and not correctly enforce the laws just to give the Waratah’s a chance. They bloody should be in the final, as they’ve beaten the Hurricanes this year and are clearly the only team that truly deserves the title. Who cares if the law states that Potgieter had to go to the bin and a penalty try be awarded, I don’t give a fuck about rules. It’s about the spirit of the game, and that the Waratahs are allowed to do what the hell we want on the field.”

Typically firebrand coach Michael Cheika however has remained silent on the game, including denying reports that he was responsible for slashing the tires on Craig Joubert’s rental. “Nope, don’t know nothing about that Toyota Corolla from Hertz rentals. Nothing at all.”

Pre-game analysis: Hurricanes must score more points than Brumbies


After a stellar season the Hurricanes meet the Brumbies in a Super Rugby semi final showdown in Wellington. But the key question is – what do the Hurricanes need to do to beat the Brumbies?

Score more points. History shows that the team with the most points at the end of 80 minutes are the winners of the game. If you score less points than the opposition, then you lose.

So how can the Hurricanes do that?

They need to either have someone kick the ball through the opposition’s goal posts during general play, and get three points each time they do. Or they can place the ball on the ground over the opposition team’s “try line” and get five points each time. Then, if they kick the ball through the goal posts again, they get another two points. If they can’t do any of that, the Hurricanes will not score any points on Saturday night and they will not win. Unless the Brumbies also are unable to score any points, then we’ll play on until one of the teams have more points than the other.

Both these sides know how to score points, they’ve scored points in the other games they’ve played all season, and usually they’ve scored more points than the opposition, but what they really need to do is score points on Saturday night. Points scored in previous games aren’t carried forward. Only points scored in the two 40 minute halves following kick off at 7.35pm will count in determining who is the winner.

It’ll be a tight game. But I’m sure maths will be the winner on the night. As we need that to add up the scores and determine which team has accumulated the greater number of points.

Every professional rugby player named in All Blacks squad


Eager not to disappoint anyone, All Blacks coach Steve Hansen has named every professional player from the five New Zealand Super Rugby franchise in his 2015 All Blacks squad.

“We always say that we’ve got an incredible depth of talent in New Zealand rugby, so I thought what better way to showcase that than to make them all All Blacks this year,” said Steve Hansen at the squad naming on Sunday afternoon.

“Having some 150 players to pick from for each game means that we’ve always got options,” continued Hansen, “and that nobody has to miss out. There’s nothing worse than when I go into a local pub and I get abused for not picking some powder puff Auckland front rower, so this way I get to enjoy a pint anywhere in the country, while all the armchair experts can sit there smugly thinking they made the right call.”

Hansen dismissed concerns that by naming so many new All Blacks he was devaluing the black jersey.

“AIG paid $80m to feature on the jersey, so it’s valued pretty highly and the more players we have wearing stuff with their gear on it, the more value they perceive in their sponsorship. Hell, maybe we can charge them even more to have their logo on it next time.”


Tana Umaga “I can’t do any worse than the last Blue’s coach”


While the resignation of Auckland Blue’s coach Sir John Kirwan has left the Board fuming that they weren’t able to sack him, the lead contender to replace Kirwan at the Blues, Tana Umaga, has admitted that there’s little chance he could do any worse than Sir John.

Umaga, who was approached for comment watching a Counties club game, admitted that that he was reluctant to take on the Blues coaching role, but conceded that he couldn’t do worse than Sir John Kirwan’s failed reign.

“Yeah, I can’t do any worse than the last Blue’s coach,” Umaga said. “Not even John Mitchell could do worse than that. I mean, Kirwan’s tenure was seriously bad wasn’t it?”

“They’ve got the largest catchment of any New Zealand franchise, but haven’t done anything noteworthy since that 2003 title. They signed Benji Marshall who had barely any rugby career ahead of them, they couldn’t hang onto Ma’a Nonu. I’ll be taking my 10-foot barge pole with me for sure if I sign up.”

For their part, the Blues Board are said to be fuming that Kirwan resigned before he could be sacked. “We were secretly hoping that Kirwan would try and stick around, then the Board could show we’re actually capable of making a decision and sack him,” said CEO Andy Dalton. “However now he’s left on his own accord, people will just continue to assume we’re all inept at our jobs, which isn’t entirely inaccurate judging by the omnishambles over the past few years on the field.”

Sepp Blatter unresigns “Nobody said no backsies”


Outgoing FIFA President Sepp Blatter is no longer outgoing, after he announced that he has taken back his resignation after no one in the entire organisation said “No backsies” after he handed in his resignation letter.

“It’s a very big slip up by my opponents,” said Blatter via video link from a luxury condo in Doha, Qatar. “Nobody said no backsies, so I could take back my resignation any time I liked. This is very amateur stuff.”

FIFA Secretary General Jerome Valcke put down several large brown paper bags after he was door-stopped leaving a Swiss bank to admit there was nothing the organisation could do to stop Blatter’s unresignation, “FIFA law is very clear on this, to stop a President from being able to take back their resignation someone on the Executive Committee has to shout ‘NO BACKSIES’ loud enough so that Jack Warner can hear it in Trinidad and Tobago, but in this case no one did, so Sepp is back.”

For his part, Blatter said he had been treated very well by is Qatari hosts who, “offered me a free luxury holiday to relieve me of the great pressures I have been facing for the past few weeks.”

Blatter has not confirmed when his unresignation will be ratified by FIFA, but confirmed that “football development grants” to CONCACAF were being made “speed the process up.”

FIFA changes slogan to “For the money”


Following the resignation of President Sepp Blatter due to the ongoing FIFA corruption scandal, FIFA has announced it’s previous slogan of “For the game. For the world” with a new slogan to more accurately depict the organisation’s culture.

From today, FIFA’s slogan will be “For the money.”

“It’s important that one of the last things I do as President is acknowledge the reality of FIFA’s operations. That is, the only reason we want football to do well in the world is because it keeps lining our pockets with beautiful, tasty money,” said Sepp Blatter.

Lions to skip playing in NZ at all in 2017


Along with avoiding playing games in Invercargill and Nelson in their 2017 tour of New Zealand, the British and Irish Lions have announced that they will not be playing any games in New Zealand at all.

“Why would we?” said Lions’ coach Warren Gatland. “Last time we were there we got our arses absolutely handed to us, and if we’ve learnt anything over the past century, it’s that the British are just sore losers.

“We decided it’d be easier just to not play in New Zealand at all and save embarrassing ourselves. Instead we’ll go tour somewhere that we’re guaranteed to win, like Romania, or Canada, but not Cyprus. They won 24 games on the trot, it’s better not to gamble on that.”

The announcement to not play any games in New Zealand has also put in jeopardy the Lions future tours to South Africa, however not their plans to go to Australia.

“The Wallabies? They’re a bunch of pansies. A touch rugby team could beat them the way they play,” said Gatland.