Sport Box

Archive - July 2015

New All Blacks ad inspired by drug-fueled TV binge

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The director of the All Blacks’ new promotional video has confessed that he came up with the idea for #ForceOfBlack after a 17 hour drug-fueled television watching binge.

“We’d been doing lines off the table all night, and about 3am, as I flicked between the Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and re-runs of Dragon Ball Z on Cartoon Network, I was like ‘whoa, man, this is totally like what the All Blacks are about,” said director Steven Richie.

“I mean, Ma’a Nonu, he’s like Vegeta, such a bad arse but actually on the good team and all like ‘roar I’m so powerful’, while Richie McCaw is clearly Goku, like how couldn’t he be?”

Richie continued, “And Kaino, he’s like Frieza, he’s practically immortal, he’s all powerful, and only someone like Goku McCaw can stop him.”

The director was less clear about why the clips of animals and disasters made it into the film.

“And then the mountain goats were like WHAM and I was like MAN that’s just like tackling a Springbok, so that’s in, And the space shuttle is like, the journey they’re on, flying into space, sometimes not making it there, sometimes not making it back, that’s like total All Blacks.”

The New Zealand Rugby Union has refused to comment until they “climb out from under their desks when the embarrassment passes.”

 

Samoans promise not to break too many All Blacks

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The Samoan Rugby team has signed a contract with the New Zealand Rugby Union promising to injury no more than four All Blacks in today’s game in Apia.

The Samoans are welcome to injure four players, so long as none of them are Richie McCaw, Dan Carter or Kieran Read, during today’s match, ensuring that the All Blacks depth won’t be impacted too heavily prior to the Rugby World Cup.

“We know that the Samoan’s like to play hard, fast, and physical rugby,” said All Blacks coach Steve Hansen, “and obviously as a bunch of latte drinking first world types, we’re not used to that type of intensity, so as part of the deal for us to play in Apia, we forced the Samoan Rugby Union to sign an undertaking that they would go a bit easier on our guys in the tackles.”

For their part, the Samoans welcomed the non-injury contract.

“We were more than happy to promise not to break too many of their precious All Blacks,” said Samoa’s coach Stephen Betham. “It’s good to know that the All Blacks are scared of coming here, it just confirms what we already knew – that their fear was the whole reason why they’ve never played here before.”

Former TV3 broadcaster John Campbell, who helped make this game happen, seemed nonplussed about the contractual obligations.

“Marvelous,” said Campbell.

Kindling prices plummet as Hurricanes fans burn jerseys

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The price of kindling for fire places has plummeted overnight in Wellington as dejected Hurricanes fans burnt their jerseys following Saturday night’s embarrassing loss to the Highlanders.

“Enough is enough,” said Cameron Webster of Mt Victoria. “The Hurricanes have gotten my hopes up far too often. Between their perpetual inability to deliver titles, Beauden Barrett’s lack of goal kicking accuracy, and TMO meddling, I’m giving up on the Hurricanes.”

Throughout the city on Sunday chimneys could be seen spilling out noxious yellow vapours of disappointment and resentment as Hurricanes fans burned their jerseys en mass.

“They kept promising me they’d change, but they never did,” said Lauren Williams of Thorndon. “I just kept giving them second chances, I wanted to believe their words, but enough is enough. I’m breaking it off with the Hurricanes, permanently.”

Wellington Free Ambulance were forced to respond to several incidents where Hurricanes fans found themselves unable to function as human beings following the loss. One fan, Edith Holland, was reported to have been picked up by paramedics some three hours after the final whistle after she was found curled up in a foetal position underneath the seats at the Caketin, softly chanting to herself “Hurricanes, cha cha cha, Hurricanes”.

Chris Boyd: Highlanders likely to be confused by bright lights, modern city

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Hurricanes coach Chris Boyd has fired the first salvo ahead of Saturday night’s Super Rugby final against the Highlanders by alleging that the southern team’s preparations will be hampered as their players adjust to things such as flushing toilets, telephones, and electric lighting.

“It’s obviously a big cultural adjustment Jamie Joseph will have to lead the team through,” said Boyd following Hurricanes training this morning. “Coming from Dunedin, which is still a 19th century colonial city that only recently got telegraph wires, to a modern, cosmopolitan city like Wellington which has ultra-fast fibre, electric street lights, plenty of cars, and flushing toilets, it’s going to be a big adjustment for their team.”

Boyd pointed out that the Highlanders had already struggled to get their players to board an Air New Zealand flight to Wellington, “From what I head most of the team were wanting to come by steamer up the coast, they really thought that the aircraft was powered by some sort of witchcraft or sorcery.”

For their part, the Highlanders said they were trying to ignore those distractions and focus on the task at hand.

“You can etch and print what you want in your woodcuts and broadsheets,” said Highlander’s coach Jamie Joseph. “We’re just focused on the game and getting Ben Smith out of police custody after that unfortunate incident where he tried to dig a long drop on Featherston Street. We tried to assure him that the flushing toilet wouldn’t swallow him, but he didn’t believe us.”

 

New All Black’s jersey to be infused with Wallabies’ tears and fibres of shredded cash

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ADIDAS have revealed the new All Blacks’ Rugby World Cup jersey today, with the jersey to be made from a revolution new synthetic material that has been infused with tears of impotence from Wallabies players.

“Infusing the new All Blacks’ jersey with tears collected from Wallabies players over the past decade will help inoculate the All Blacks from mediocrity as they set out to defend their title as world champions,” said New Zealand Rugby Union CEO Steve Tew. “It’s like vaccinating them against being crap.”

All Blacks’ captain Richie McCaw said while dropping their standards was seldom an issue for the side, “It’s not worth taking chances over. Having something like this will protect us from being infected with the ineptitude that has reached plague like proportions across the Tasman.”

Steve Tew also confirmed that each of the new All Blacks’ jerseys includes fibres made from the shredded cash of All Blacks’ fans. “Our partners ADIDAS know that All Blacks’ supporters are concerned by the high costs of each season’s new All Blacks’ apparel, so we wanted to demonstrate that their cash isn’t going to waste. Each jersey is made with the fibres of two $100 notes, meaning that fans can rest assured they’re getting value for money this season.”

 

Super League Darts’ competitors to neck pints before playing

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In order to ensure the star players in the upcoming Super League Darts competition at SkyCity from 10 July are in top form for punters, organisers have confirmed that all players will be drinking heavily before taking the stage at the event.

“All of us know that you’re better at everything after a few drinks at the pub,” said a Super League Darts spokeperson. “Whether it’s playing pool, discovering you know how to break dance, or throwing darts, it’s scientifically proven that after you’ve downed at least a couple of pints your ability to do these things markedly improves.

“That’s why we’re ensuring that our eight top New Zealand darts players will be imbuing themselves with Lion Red for at least two hours before stepping out on Friday night, because as seasoned darts players, they know that being slightly tipsy might be exactly the advantage they need to bring home the title.”

On hearing this, Sportbox approached one of the players directly for their insight onto this unique match preparation.

“Oh yeah, it definitely helps,” said Mick ‘The Lone Wolf’ Lacey, one of the rising stars of darts in New Zealand. “I was playing shit until I necked a couple of pints before each match, then suddenly I’m on fire, banging in 180s all night long. I’d always been a pool shark on a Friday night after a few beers, so I thought I’d try it out with my professional darts too, and it bloody well worked.”

Lacey was quick to point out that only beer could deliver the needed performance boost, “But only beer. Wine and spirits just don’t do it, only beer provides that winning edge.”