Sport Box

Archive - September 2015

Diego Costa – “Fuck you, Richie’s cheating has nothing on me”

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 19:  Diego Costa of Chelsea is shown a yellow card by referee Mike Dean during the Barclays Premier League match between Chelsea and Arsenal at Stamford Bridge on September 19, 2015 in London, United Kingdom.  (Photo by Ross Kinnaird/Getty Images)

Chelsea striker Diego Costa has lashed out at recent media focus on Rugby Union player Richie McCaw being a cheater, demanding that people acknowledge he is the greatest cheater in the history of sport.

“Fuck you, Richie’s cheating has nothing on me,” Costa said in a fiery press conference this evening London time following the Football Associations decision to charge him with violent conduct following a controversial match against Arsenal at the weekend.

“Fuck, what more do I have to do? I pushed Koscienly around and got away with it, and managed to get Gabriel sent off. This Richie McCaw person, he is an amateur. See how he got caught, to cheat you have to get away with it on the field. This McCaw, he did not. He is fucking useless. That’s what he is.”

“The guy hasn’t even collected anywhere near as many yellow cards as me. He’s a nobody, just a fucking nobody.”

Costa then proceeded to upend the table he was sitting at before leaving the room.

Costa’s comments come on the back of team mate Kurt Zouma saying “Everyone knows Diego and this guy likes to cheat a lot.”

SBW – “To be honest, I’m over-rated”

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Following the All Blacks’ hard fought victory over Argentina this morning in their opening game of the Rugby World Cup, second-string All Black centre Sonny Bill Williams has played down rave reviews of his performance by admitting that he is “completely over-hyped.”

Speaking at the post-match press conference, Williams was brutally honest when responding to a one-eyed media pack.

“Yeah, to be honest, I’m over-rated. Anyone running against a tiring, under-strength defence like I did would have looked impressive,” said Williams. “I’ve got a terrible tackling technique and I only managed one meaningful off-load today, which are usually Hail Mary passes anyway and people only remember the ones people catch, not the horrible turnovers which I gave a few away today. I’m completely over-hyped, which my boxing ‘career’ pretty much gave away.”

“If you look closely at my performance today, it doesn’t warrant the plaudits it’s getting from the media.”

Williams continued, “The only reason Shags picked me today is because I lay on his hotel room floor throwing a tantrum on Tuesday morning. I reminded Shags that Mundine and Nasser were just a phone call away with tickets to Vegas and that this time, I’d really go. I meant it too.”

For his part, All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen conceded that the only reason that Sonny Bill Williams was included in the squad was because the New Zealand Rugby Union needed to get some value out of Williams’ ludicrous contract.

“His form in Super Rugby didn’t warrant inclusion. He’s just there because we paid so much for him, and the ratings sore whenever he takes his top off.”

 

South Africa quit World Cup after Japan loss

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The Springboks have decided to cut their loses and have quit the World Cup after realising that having lost to Japan, there was no point in the side continuing to play any more games.

“Even if we win now, it’s very pointless for us to remain, as this will always be the World Cup where we lost to Japan,” said Springbok’s coach Heyneke Meyer.

“We could go on and win the entire World Cup, but everyone knows Japan will be the true champions having beaten us in the first game,” he continued.

“So to save ourselves further embarrassment, the team has collectively decided that we shall be leaving England immediately to return to the Republic, where we will embark on a national apology tour and beg the nation for forgiveness.”

Asked for their reaction to South Africa’s decision to depart the World Cup, a Japanese spokesperson could not be woken from their hangover to provide comment.

England will cancel World Cup if they lose to Fiji in opener

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The English Rugby Union have announced that should England lose its opening game against Fiji, the rest of the Rugby World Cup will be cancelled due to English fans losing any passing interest they have in the oval ball code.

“It’s hard enough as it is getting anyone interest in rugby while the football season is on,” said Rugby Union Chairman Bill Beaumont at the announcement on Thursday evening, “so we figure that if Fiji manages to upset us in the first game, there’s not really any point in staging the rest of the tournament. No one in England will give a toss about it anyway.”

In the event of the loss and the cancelling of the World Cup, England has confirmed that the William Webb Ellis trophy will not be awarded to any side, or returned to New Zealand, in order to prevent what Beaumont called “the uncivilized colony getting ideas above its station.”

“We invented rugby, it’s our sport, this is our World Cup, and if we can’t have it, nobody can.” Beaumont screamed as he lay on the floor thrashing his legs and arms about. “Fiji have no right to beat us, and if they do, we’re not going to let the Aussies, or especially those fucking Welsh bastards have a chance of doing so as well.”

For their part, the All Blacks have said they’re not bothered by the prospect of the World Cup.

“If the World Cup is cancelled, there’s no way we can choke in the play off games is there?” said coach Steve Hansen.

New Zealand hospitals prepare for four yearly epidemic of Expectation overdoses

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Hospital emergency departments around New Zealand have been put on alert for the four yearly Expectation overdose epidemic, stocking up on the only known treatment for it, servings of Humble Pie.

“Overdosing on Expectation is a huge problem for New Zealand, and the epidemic usually works in a four year cycle, though having not surfaced in 2011, we’re expecting it to be even worse than ever.” said Auckland Hospital spokesperson Suzie Choka this morning.

“We generally find that after imbuing themselves with dangerous levels of Expectation, should users experience a major let down in their lives, it can place them in an almost zombie like state for up to 72 hours, as well as rendering them incapable of watching or playing a certain sport for anywhere between four and 24 years., “Ms Choka said.

“In anticipation of this year’s Expectation epidemic, we’ve received instructions from the Ministry of Health that hospitals should ensure they have large stockpiles of Humble Pie on hand, which will be served to people admitted to our EDs having overdosed on Expectation.”

Ms Chocka said that if left untreated, an Expectation overdose could lead to particularly nasty symptoms such as bitterness, recriminations, cynicism, and denial.

“New Zealand is one of a handful of countries, including England and Brazil, that has millions of cases of Expectation overdoses every four years, with England and Brazil’s epidemics slightly out of sync with ours.

What causes Expectation overdoses is still a matter of debate among scientists, however the most recent instance of a small scale breakout of the epidemic was reported in Wellington in early July.

Maldonado promises to crash “only a little bit” in Singapore Grand Prix

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Lotus Formula 1 pay driver Pastor Maldonado has promised fans and his team that “I will only crash a little bit” at this weekend’s Singapore Grand Prix.

Following criticism from retired Red Bull Racing Mark Webber, who recently described Maldonado as one of the worst drivers in the sport, Maldonado responded that rather than his usual spectacular crashes, he was going to tone things down on the street circuit and only try to cause “minor” damage to his car.

“This weekend I will only crash a little bit. I know that Mr Webber thinks I’m a bad driver, but I will prove him wrong. This is a difficult circuit, so I promise I will only damage my front wing, or force someone else to crash, so it will prove I am a much better driver.” said Maldonado.

Maldonado’s team, Lotus, was unavailable to comment on their driver’s promise after a spokesperson said they were busy clearing up paperwork following a “minor incident on the way to the circuit with one of our drivers.”

Ali Williams – “I just want to help England win”

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Former All Black and Rugby World Cup winner Ali Williams has admitted that his bizarre attack on the English rugby team in an interview with French paper L’Equipe that he only said what he did to give the English extra motivation to win the tournament.

“Yeah, everyone knows that when the media or other teams disrespect a side, it just gives the targeted team extra motivation,” said Williams exclusive to Sportbox. “Everyone knows England need all the help they can to get out of the pool of death, so I thought I’d just give them a booster.

“It also helps that I just put a cheeky $1000 on them to win the tournament,” added Williams, “so making sure they’re fired up and playing their best will ultimately help me out when they eventually win.”

When asked about his description of the Twickenham crowd, who Williams described as ‘vindictive’, Williams conceded he was also stirring the pot there too.

“They’re not that bad, they certainly don’t have anything on the eye-patched crowds in Christchurch.”

For their part, the English weren’t fazed about Ali Williams’ comments, with coach Stuart Lancaster saying, “Ali Williams? We don’t worry about what he has to say about anything. He was an over-rated player, and clearly is an over-rated pundit too.”

National shortage of cotton wool as All Blacks stock up

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Sewing classes, doctors clinics, and parents everywhere are struggling after supermarkets across New Zealand have run out of cotton wool following several large bulk orders by the New Zealand Rugby Union.

Following the rolled ankle of Colin Slade at training at the Hutt Recreation Ground last week that sent a wave of panic through the entire country, All Blacks coach Steve Hansen requested that the NZRU purchase enough cotton wool to “completely enclose Dan Carter, Beauden Barrett, and Colin Slade to a depth of no less of 30cm.”

Since then, NZRU staffers have been spotted at supermarkets around the country clearing out shelves in the medical aisles of supermarkets, entire departments at Spotlight, and turning pharmacies inside out in search of enough cotton wool to met Hansen’s request.

Stopped at Pak n Save Petone, one staffer revealed she had secured 27 bags of cotton wool, having gone both to the neighbouring Warehouse as well as Pak n Save.

“Do you know if there’s more at Queensgate? IS THERE?” she screamed as she headed towards her car.

Approached for comment about the All Blacks cotton wool purchases, the NZRU simply replied with a clip of Stephen Donald taking the field in the 2011 Rugby World Cup with a hand written note saying “Never again.”