Sport Box

Archive - October 2015

Wallabies refuse to acknowledge existence of New Zealand as a country

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Following on from their refusal to refer to the All Blacks by name, the Wallabies have gone one step further and are now denying that the country of New Zealand exists and they are already world champions.

“Obviously we’ve filed a complaint with World Rugby over the fact that the team we’re playing this weekend is claiming to come from a country that doesn’t even exist,” said Wallabies coach Michael Cheika at a press conference a Twickenham this morning. “We’ve seen the Facebook page ‘Does New Zealand exist?’ and between that and the lack of this alleged country appearing on most world maps, we’re pretty sure they shouldn’t even be at the World Cup.”

Cheika added, “If that’s indeed the case, that New Zealand is actually just a fictional country created for the purpose of Hollywood marketing, then we’re obviously already world champions.”

Subsequent to Cheika’s announcement that New Zealand does not exist, the Australian Rugby Union has gone through its social media channels and deleted any posts that refer to either the All Blacks or New Zealand. A statement from the ARU simple said: “We don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no such country and, if there were several inhabited islands somewhere off the coast of Australia, then surely they’d appear on more maps.”

For their part the All Blacks weren’t phased by the Wallabies refusal to acknowledge either their or New Zealand’s existence.

“The fact they can even read enough to understand place names on a map is a pretty amazing achievement for a bunch of convicts,” said All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen.

New Zealanders refrain from talking smack online for fear of jinxing All Blacks

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“I can’t do it bro, I just can’t do it,” said Matthew Bridge as he contemplated making a smart arsed remark about the Wallabies chances in the Rugby World Cup final against the All Blacks this weekend. “If I start laying down the smack against all my Australian friends, I just know I’m going to jinx the boys and the Wallabies will bloody beat us.”

Matthew’s story is the same as that afflicting many New Zealanders this week as they contemplate the days until the All Blacks meet the only team to beat them in 2015. It seems that fans have learnt from 2003 when, going into that now infamous semi final against the Wallabies, their sky high confidence and cockiness towards Australians backfired on them when they went to work on Monday.

“I used to think that me winding up fans of opposition teams didn’t have an impact on how the All Blacks played, but after 2003 and 2007, I’m not so sure anymore,” said Matthew. “I’m also a Hurricanes and Wellington Lions fan, and after talking down at the Highlanders and the Magpies, and we lose to both of them, I’m really not sure I have it in me to smack talk the Wallabies this time around.”

“The last thing I want is the entire country blaming me for jinxing the result.”

For their part, Wallabies fans have been busy posting photos of all the trophies they have won in matches against New Zealand sides recently, including the Rugby League World Cup, the Netball World Cup, the Rugby World Cup, and the Rugby Championship.

“Stone the flaming crows, I’m not worried what those little sheep shaggers think,” said Convict McInbred when asked whether he was worried if his posting a photo of a kangaroo jumping on a kiwi might cause the Wallabies to lose.

Study finds shouting at TV boosts team performance by 7.9%

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A newly published study by Otago University has discovered that fans who shout abuse or encouragement at their favourite sport team through the TV can actually have an impact on how well their players perform.

The study which was conducted by using ITM Cup games featuring the Wellington Lions, where researchers could be sure nobody else would bother tuning in, has revealed that when fans are watching their side on TV and shout abuse, encouragement, correct the referee, or throw cans of Tui at the screen, it lifted the performance of the Lions by an average of 7.9% versus games where nobody was watching.

“As a society we’ve always intuitively suspected that haranguing our sports teams through the TV would positively impact their playing ability, but it’s great to finally have proof that it does have a measurable impact,” said Dr Lorraine Wallis from Otago University.

“We measured how the Wellington Lions performed in games with no fans watching on TV, fans watching but in silence, and fans who were vocal in recommending how the team could play better, and we were amazed at how much of a difference a bit of armchair coaching could actually have.”

“Thankfully we didn’t have to control for people turning up to stadiums to watch the games, as no one attends ITM Cup games anyway,” added Dr Wallis.

While the study found that shouting at the TV was effective, it unsurprisingly revealed that like most things on Twitter, tweets were useless.

New Zealanders to spend week in fetal position

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With the news that the All Blacks will once again meet France in a Rugby World Cup quarter final match in Cardiff, thousands of New Zealanders have found themselves unable to function and are being found curled up in a fetal position crying “Richie loves me, Richie loves me.”

With the trauma of having Wayne Barnes rob 2007 Rugby World Cup quarter final from the All Blacks fresh in their mind, All Blacks fans have been unable to cope with facing their French tormentors in yet another knock out game.

“Anyone but France, fucking anyone but France,” cried Cameron Webster of Wellington while rocking back and forth in a ball. “The nerves man, they’re just not made for this kind of shit.”

“If Wayne Barnes is drawn as the ref, I’m out man. Game over man, game over man. Ain’t never going to watch no more rugby.”

For their part, several All Blacks were reportedly hauled off a flight back to New Zealand at Heathrow, following rumours that the team were also struggling to come to terms with their imminent departure from the tournament.

Cairns may have to phone all the 1990s children he’s let down

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In a major development in the Chris Cairns match-fixing case, prosecutors have suggested that, if found guilty, Chris Cairns will need to personally phone all 73,561 children who, from 1989 through to 2006, were fans of his explosive cricket playing style.

“Your Honour, we propose that if Mr Cairns is found guilty of these charges, there are 73,561 children that we’ve identified from the years 1989 through to 2006 who at one stage or another, idolised Mr Cairns in his capacity as an all-rounder for the Blackcaps,” said the Crown prosecutor today.

“Due to these children being robbed of their childhood idol should Mr Cairns be found guilty, we propose that a suitable punishment would be for Mr Cairns to personally  phone all of these children, many who are grown adults now, to apologise for having let them down. These children, many of who pretended they were Chris Cairns during fiercely contested backyard cricket games, will be feeling devastated that the man who’s cricketing ability they once believed in, may have severely let them down.”

Chris Cairns’ defence team said that while in principle they had no objection to the proposed punishment, they suggested it might be more effective if Mr Cairns personally phoned all cricket commentators around the world, and instead ask them to stop referring to promising Blackcaps all-rounders as the “next Chris Cairns” given possible negative connotations that might imply.

“After all, we’re pretty sure Jacob Oram is sick to death of the endless comparisons even after all these years.”

Prince Harry renounces claim to throne of Australia following England defeat

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Following England’s defeat to the Wallabies at the Rugby World Cup at the weekend, a result that saw England knocked out of the tournament, devout England supporter and ginger model Prince Harry has retaliated by renouncing his third in line claim to be King of Australia.

“I don’t want to be king of a bunch of convicts,” Prince Harry was heard saying to his bodyguards as he left Twickenham. “There’s a reason why we booted them out of the country, we should have never of let them back in.”

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace said that “While Her Majesty the Queen is disappointed with Harry’s comments, as third in line for the throne and a ginger, he didn’t have a chance of ascending anyway.”

Prince Harry was last seen shouting abuse at Wallabies fans as they celebrated the victory at the Temple Place Walkabout pub.