Sport Box

Archive - January 2016

Eden Park management to ban spectators from having fun at matches

Eden Park

Following the ejection of Sri Lankan supporters from playing drums at the final T20 match between the Blackcaps and Sri Lanka on Sunday, Eden Park management have confirmed that they have instituted a new Code of Fan Conduct that explicitly prevents supporters from expressing the emotion known as fun at matches.

“Nobody goes to Eden Park to enjoy themselves,” said Eden Park Trust Chairman Doug McKay. “I mean really, the public transport connections are rubbish, there’s no parking for miles, the food and beverages are overpriced, the beer is warm, and there’s virtually no shelter in the seats from the elements.

“With that in mind, the Eden Park Trust Board understands that there’s no way anyone looking for a good time would attend an event at Eden Park, so in order to ensure that the small handful of people so miserable with their existence that they regularly attend fixtures at our ground, we’re taking steps to ensure that their misery isn’t interrupted by hooligans who may in anyway be appearing to enjoy themselves at the stadium,” added Mr McKay.

Eden Park Trust clarified that patrons partaking in any activities or facial gestures that indicate that they may be enjoying their experience at the match will be forcibly ejected by security. In leaked guidelines to security contractors, these activities include applauding, smiling, speaking with other spectators, or consuming an alcoholic beverage in less than 10 minutes.

“We feel that our new measures will ensure that going to a game at Eden Park is as thoroughly miserable as intended,” said Mr McKay. “This way true sports fans, and users of Twitter, will be entirely at home at our facilities.”

The Eden Park Trust Board clarified that children will still be allowed to attend games at the stadium, pointing out that nothing induces a state of abject hopeless than having bored, fighting children running around.

Chris Gayle takes defamation action, claims no exposure of himself could ever be indecent

Chris Gayle

High profile and sometimes West Indian cricketer Chris Gayle has launched defamation proceedings against Fairfax Media following the outlet’s claim that Gayle exposed himself to an unnamed women. Gayle has countered the claims by pointing out that in the unlikely event that he had exposed himself, it wouldn’t have been indecent because, “Have you seen my body? I’m fucking ripped.”

In evidence, Chris Gayle has submitted numerous photos of himself in various states of undress, each with post-it notes pointing out how his physique is better than the average man.

“I’m Chris Gayle, once you understand that, and understand my body, you ain’t going to be thinking seeing my naked ass is indecent now are you?” Gayle said at a press conference in Melbourne.

Gayle then had to be restrained from undressing himself in the press conference by his lawyer, to which he commented, “I just want these lovely ladies and fine gentlemen to know what decent really looks like.”

For their part, a representative for Fairfax Media has said that while the organisation couldn’t comment on the Gayle defamation claims, saying “We’re still recovering from seeing Shane Warne without his top on. There isn’t enough bleach in the world to remove that image from your minds’ eye.”