Sport Box

Archive - March 2016

Desperate Martin Guptill takes highlights reel to IPL CEOs

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Martin Guptill has been sighted desperately showing highlight reels of his summer of batting to IPL executives after the Blackcaps’ victory over Pakistan where he smashed 80 off 48 balls in Mohali overnight.

Guptill, who was seen leaving Kings Punjab XI headquarters in Mohali post-match carrying an iPad that appeared to be playing clips of some of his fireworks over the summer.

“I just don’t understand,” said a dejected Guptill as he waited for a bus back to the team hotel, completely unrecognised by passers by. “You show more consistent form than Brendon McCullum over two summers and take apart some of the best bowlers in the world, and still nobody wants to sign you up for the IPL.”

Guptill continued, “The way the IPL executives look at you, with those dead eyes. It’s like they don’t even know I smashed 237 not out in the World Cup, or that I regularly destroyed the attacks of Sri Lanka and Pakistan over this summer. The didn’t even see what I just did to Pakistan.”

Before boarding the bus, Guptill did observe that, “About the only time I got a reaction out of the IPL executives was when I got out my wallet to check I had enough money for the bus fare. They looked pretty disappointed when they saw how empty it was though.”

Dunedin armchair expert confident of being next Highlanders coach

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As the Otago Highlanders get their search for a new head coach underway, Dunedin resident and well regarded armchair expert Jim McGinity is quietly confident that his application will be successful.

“I’ve been watching the rugby since before you were born,” Mr McGinity said from his St Clair Beach porch this morning. “Heck, I was listening to rugby on the wireless probably before your parents were even born, that’s how experienced I am.”

McGinity, who neighbours believe to be aged somewhere in his 80s, shouted to passing media today that he had put his hat in the ring for the job and that he was confident of being a shoo-in.

“Otago teams need real southerners leading them, not those wee ponsy Aucklanders,” Mr McGinity called out from his rocking chair. “Ain’t no ones job but a true southern lad, and I’ve been waiting for my chance to tell those lads to pull their heads in and tackle that damned Cantab bastard for years now.”

While most of our interview with Mr McGinity was incoherent, his daughter Mable McGinity was confident he’d be a great addition to the Highlanders coaching team.

“Well, I’m not rugby expert myself, but some of my strongest memories of Dad growing up was of him with a Speights in one hand, remote in the other, shouting abuse at Otago in the old National Provincial Championship,” said Mable. “He always seemed to know what he was talking about, that they needed to make a certain tackle, put their back into it, to get up and be a real man, so I’m pretty sure he’s got a good chance.”

Punters at the local sports bar were equally as enthused.

“Yeah, old Jim is a pretty wise old head,” said Stephen Hogan, a former Otago University student. “I remember stories at Uni about when he was head coach of the Thirsty Thirds. A tough guy, but really knew his stuff, and wasn’t afraid to down a Speights with the boys.”

Other potential candidates for the Highlanders’ head coach role weren’t willing to comment on McGinity’s application, aside from current assistant coach Tony Brown who fondly remembered him.

“Old Jim McGinity? Yeah I remember him, he was pretty pissed off that time we burnt a couch on his front lawn.”

Manawatu man plans to use “Skudder Step” to avoid next walking collision

Manawatu Man

Palmerston North resident Ryan Suddy has hatched a plan to use Nehe Milner-Skudder’s now famous “Skudder Step” to avoid a collision the next time he and another pedestrian are walking towards each other.

“What usually happens is we both zig, and then we both zag, and then we both zig again, and we end up nearly colliding, exchanging an awkward laugh, and then going on our way,” said Mr Suddy. “Next time I get in that situation I’m planning to break out the old Skudder Step, and just hit the gap and blitz past them before anyone gets embarrassed.

“I’ve been practicing it in my hallway all week, it’s going to work,” added Mr Suddy.

For his part, Milner-Skudder was glad his exploits on the rugby field were inspiring people, but suggested that he was “hoping people might aim a little higher than avoiding walking accidents.”

Sport journalist who cracked Super Rugby’s format wins Nobel Prize for Physics

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Aucklander and Newshub presenter Ross Karl has been awarded the 2016 Nobel Prize for Physics after becoming the first person to successfully understand Super Rugby’s new format.

Karl’s groundbreaking work, which took the form of two minute video, has successfully demystified the competition for anyone else who also possesses a post-graduate qualification in mathematics, meaning that most New Zealand pubs will be equipped with at least one person capable of explaining it to their friends.

“After I’d spent hours trying to replicate SANZAR’s fixtures list by using techniques such as spirographing, throwing darts at a board, and ingesting copious amounts of LSD, I uncovered that there was method to their madness,” said Mr Karl in an interview with Scientific Atheltican. “My discovery that SANZAR genuinely hates rugby fans, and sees them as little more than unintelligible cash cows was a huge eureka moment.”

Karl’s eureka moment led him to review a number of other SANZAR decisions that helped support his discovery.

“When you looked at the bigger picture, that SANZAR never gave previous format changes a chance to bed in beyond a year or two, or that they keep thinking that the quantity of rugby was more important in driving audience numbers than the quality of rugby – despite all evidence to the contrary – it really painted a picture that SANZAR just doesn’t give a damn about Super Rugby’s fans and assumes they’ll just throw their money at whatever sparkly new product and format they throw at them,” Karl said.

Karl also pointed out despite his discovery, nobody should be surprised by SANZAR’s behaviour. “To be honest, look at how the NZRU butchered provincial rugby in New Zealand. They had a great format in 2007 and 2008 that people were starting to turn back up to watch again, and then they proceeded to make the whole thing so complicated that to this day nobody knows what’s going on. It’s hardly surprising that with the NZRU involved with SANZAR, they’d take a similar approach to murdering any success Super Rugby had.”