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Nonu: Fuck off, I’m Ma’a Nonu

Maa Nonu

The following may be an opinion piece from All Black Ma’a Nonu.

You won’t be surprised to learn that I’m disappointed none of the Super Rugby franchises want to sign me for 2014. Well, that’s not entirely true. The Highlanders want to sign me, but Jamie Joseph makes me do things like actually having to turn up for training to make the team and to not wear mascara on match day, so I won’t be going back to that frigid hell-hole. Fuck him, I’m Ma’a Nonu and I’m the best thing that’s happened to Dunedin.

A lot has been made of my being a disruptive player for coaches to have in their team. I don’t think that’s a fair call to make. I just want them to piss off and leave me alone to do my thing. For example, Mark Hammett once tried to tell me to pass the ball so I told him to “Sod off, I’m Ma’a Nonu, I break tackles.” Nothing disruptive in that aside from disrupting the opposition’s defensive line.

Pat Lam wasn’t a great fan of me either, though I don’t know why. He barely saw me at all while I was at the Blues, I spent most of my time at the bars in Ponsonby or being sent off on the rugby field. You can’t really be disruptive while you’re sitting in the sin bin riding that exercise bike, can you? In fact, the way I kept collecting yellow cards meant that other players couldn’t get them. The referee only has a limited supply of those cards, doesn’t he?

Besides, I’m pretty sure Steve Hansen loves me. It’s not like there’s no one else capable of playing in the inside centre jersey as well as me, is there? I’m pretty sure this Francis Saili guy trying to take my jersey on Saturday night is only a temporary thing. If it’s not, I’ll tell Shags to stuff off and leave me alone too. I’m Ma’a Nonu, that’s my jersey.

Whatever happens next year, I won’t cry about it because I don’t want my makeup to run. If worse comes to worst, I’ll go play in the NRL, because they don’t use their arms in tackles either.

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