Sport Box

Mystery Morrison to shower with women’s cricket team

john morrison

One of the final debates of the Wellington Mayoral race last night saw candidate, and former New Zealand cricket, John ‘Mystery’ Morrison defending his suggestion that he was going to join the Wellington women’s cricket team, the Wellington Blaze, in the showers, as a way of turning around Wellington’s cricketing fortunes.

The topic of Wellington’s cricketing woes was brought up when candidates were asked by an audience member about what they intended to do to make Wellington deliver on its cricketing promise.

John Morrison, given his background on the topic, was first to respond, promising a Mayoral Board of Inquiry into the poor performances of Wellington over the past few seasons. In particular, Morrison said that the lack of silverware and the departure of Jessie Ryder made the need for an inquiry all the more pressing. Morrison promised to “always be there” for Wellington’s cricket teams, before adding that the women’s team could “really benefit from having me involved from the pitch to the showers each match.”

When challenged by the debate’s moderator that implying he’d be joining the women’s team in the showers was somewhat misogynistic, Morrison replied that he “didn’t see what all the fuss was,” and that “if anyone is offended by the suggestion, I’ll fake making an apology to them and then we’ll watch as the Dominion Post sweeps the whole incident under the rug.” Morrison then continued to say that he “couldn’t help it if the women’s team find me irresistible. After all, I’m an former international cricket who’s so mysterious nobody, not even me, knows why I’m called ‘Mystery’ Morrison. I’m kind of a big deal.”

Incumbent Mayor Celia Wade-Brown responded to the question by saying she was pretty sure she liked cricket, but she’d much prefer if this Basin Reserve everyone kept talking about was put underground next to the motorway bypass and a “beautiful park where sports could be played” was built in its place. When the moderator pointed out that the Basin Reserve was already a fairly picturesque sports ground, the Mayor confessed that “maybe I have cycled through there once, but I was rushing to cycle to meet Hillary Clinton at the airport and was running late so I didn’t stop to notice.”

Other candidates offered a range of other solutions, with the highlight from the pack being Jack Yan’s proposal to spend the “$200m to $300m that it’d take to fix Wellington Cricket and instead buy the successful Otago Volts instead. We could then build a high speed link between the two regions, something called an airport, and we’d get Jessie Ryder back at the same time.”

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