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All Blacks: “Don’t count on us to make it better”

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The All Blacks have issued a statement from La Plata in Argentina today, urging New Zealanders not to look to the men in black to provide some glimmer of hope from their deep despair following Emirates Team New Zealand’s America’s Cup defeat this morning.

“We’re a bit pissed off,” the statement from coach Steve Hansen started, “As we were treating the trip to Argentina as a big holiday since nobody had paid us any attention for two weeks. Now, thanks to Dean Barker producing the biggest choke since Sir Graham Henry’s 2007 stuff up, people suddenly expect us to make them feel better by winning?”

The statement went on to point out that, “It’s all a bit shitty of you fans isn’t it? You run off and abandon us as soon as we leave the country for a couple of weeks for a bunch a rich Aucklanders sailing around a little patch of water. While the All Blacks, your World Champion All Blacks who put their bodies on the line week-in, week out, year after year, have to pick up the pieces when all your hopes get crushed. Well we’ve had enough of it, we’re breaking up with you.”

The hand-written statement was signed by “Shags” and appeared to have had an amber liquid spilled on the paper it was written on. While it is unclear whether Steve Hansen was drunk while writing the note, reports indicate that he has been suffering “significant morning migraines” over the last week which could only be treated by a regime of painkillers, sleep and food from McDonald’s.

One rugby person celebrating Oracle’s win, however, was former All Black’s coach Sir Graham Henry, who gleefully mentioned to reporters in Buenos Aires today that “at least now we can stop talking about my 2007 cock-up huh?”.

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