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Volts urge public not to watch

Otago Volts 1

Fresh from their heroic victory over the Highveld Lions in Twenty20 Champions League Group A, the Otago Volts have issued a plea for people back home to continue not paying any attention to their exploits as they chase an elusive semi-final spot.

The Volts, who have allegedly been competing in the Twenty20 Champions League in India for the past few weeks, though sports journalists aren’t sure due to none of them being able to afford a Sky Sports subscription, claim that they were only able to achieve their apparent run of success due to the “country not paying us any attention.” The statement, issued by coach Vaughan Johnson, but written in Brendan McCullum’s handwriting, urged Kiwis at home to “go back to watching the yachting” or “heaping pressure on the All Blacks instead.”

“We’ve only been winning games while nobody has been watching,” the statement read. “If you guys suddenly decide that, having been disappointed by the boat boys or bored of the rugby rednecks, you’re going to start watching us play, we’re not going to cope with the attention. It’s a bit like when we beat Wellington for the HRV Cup. Nobody watched that game because they knew we were going to lose, so we played really well instead, but if you start heaping expectations on us, we’re going to start losing, guaranteed.”

The statement continued by pointing out, “So if we don’t make the semi-finals, or if we look like we choke when we’re in a winning position. You should know that it’s all your fault.”

When approached for comment, New Zealand Cricket Board member Martin Snedden said that he was unaware that Otago had any sort of problem with choking but that he couldn’t rule out the possibility given that, “they’re coached by Wellington’s old coach and that they just signed Jessie Ryder for next year, maybe they’re anticipating what’s coming their way.”

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