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Spears, handguns to add to Ellis Park atmosphere

Ellis Park

The Springboks have promised to add to the imposing atmosphere of Ellis Park in Johannesburg by equipping fans with spears and a selection of powerful handguns to help reinforce the ground’s reputation as being a impregnable fortress for Springbok rugby.

Speaking at the team’s final training session before the weekend, Springbok coach Heyneke Meyer said that following the Springbok’s controversial defeat at Eden Park a few weeks ago, it was important that the players and their fans exacted their revenge.

“We were robbed of victory at Eden Park,” said Meyer, “so we figured it’s only fair that we’ll rob the All Blacks of their property, lives and dignity at Ellis Park. To that end, SARU has been issuing spears and handguns to fans attending the game on Saturday so that everyone is well equipped to ensure that only one team emerges victorious that afternoon.”

Meyer conceded that SARU hadn’t actually needed to give out many weapons, “As most people living in Johannesburg had to be fairly well armed anyway, but we just wanted to make sure that everyone could inflict their own piece of personal revenge on the All Blacks.”

The All Blacks have remained quiet on the subject, aside from injured All Black Cory Jane, who tweeted from Wellington that “Here’s hoping someone takes aim out Ben Smith, I hear he’s the #AllBlacks biggest threat. #JustSaying”, in reference to the uphill battle he faces to reclaim his starting berth on the wing from the talented Otago fullback.

The NZRU also took a fairly relaxed stance to the Springbok’s arming of their fans, with CEO Steve Tew pointing out that they took their own measures to make New Zealand grounds as hostile as possible by “charging inflated prices for tickets, food and drinks. That usually serves to piss off the crowd pretty well.”

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