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Republicans ask Presidents Cup to shutdown

John Boehner

Speaker of the House of Representatives, Republican John Boehner, has today lashed out at the organisers of the Presidents Cup for not stopping the tournament as part of the Federal Government shutdown.

Boehner, who made the announcement after checking he was still getting paid for turning up to Congress, said he was outraged that an event that “seemed to somehow be connected to the President” was allowed to continue while the Republican Party had successfully shut down other, “less important functions of the government, such as cancer research, NASA, aviation security and the tax service”.

“We took a look on the Wikipedia,” Boehner told assembled media on the steps of the Capitol, “and it seems that President Obama is the Honorary Chairman of the Presidents Cup. As a result, we’re pretty sure that means it shouldn’t still be running. I mean, if the President isn’t meant to be working then surely he can’t run a golf tournament.”

When it was put to Boehner that the role of an Honorary Chairman had nothing to do with the Federal Government, Boehner admitted that “I hadn’t realised that,” and promised to speak again once he had “been able to ask Donald Trump what I should say next.”

Meanwhile, a brief interruption to TV coverage of the Presidents Cup was revealed to have been caused by Tiger Woods having sex with a woman inside the TV production truck and accidentally switching off the satellite feed. Woods has apologised for causing the outage, saying that he often gets confused over whether his sponsor’s tagline, Nike’s “Just do it” refers to doing “sport stuff or banging attractive women”. Woods then went on to continue his Four Ball match against the International Team.

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