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John Morrison sends highlights DVD, shower photos to voters

John Morrison

In a last ditch effort to woo potential voters, Wellington Mayoral candidate John Morrison has sent two separate letters out to eligible male and female voters in the region. To male voters, Morrison sent a short highlights DVD of his international cricketing career, while female voters received candid photos of Morrison in a shower.

Morrison defended both the mass mailing and the move of tailoring his messaging along gender lines as “par for the course.”

“Look, I don’t understand what the fuss is all about. We all know that men love sporting achievements and women love sports men. All I did was cater for their very clearly defined preferences based off 1950s gender stereotypes,” said Morrison.

When asked about the length of the highlights DVD, which only manages 30 seconds on footage, Morrison admitted that it was a hard decision figuring out what to leave out, “Our initial cut, which included all the highlights of my prestigious 17 Tests and 18 One Day Internationals, made it to 40 seconds long, so we took an axe to the bits that may have glorified the contribution of others and had it just focus on me instead.”

Morrison was far more excited about the shower photos that female electors received, noting that the underwear he wore had a large number ‘1’emblazoned on the Y front, “to make it simple for the ladies to know what preference to give me.” Morrison also scoffed at suggestions that women would be put off by the images, saying “I think we all know that the ladies can’t get enough of a mustached walrus, such as myself.”

Meanwhile, rival Mayoral candidate Jack Yan promised to buy the successful Counties-Manukau Steelers from the ITM Cup and promote them up into Super Rugby as a replacement for the Hurricanes, explaining that “We could better spend the $200m to $300m it would cost to fix the Hurricanes on buying the Steelers and turning them into a successful franchise, without the emotional baggage associated with the Hurricanes. It’d also have the added bonus of bringing Tana Umaga back to the Capital, which can only be a good thing.”

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