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Phoenix to institute no cats policy at Westpac Stadium

Wellington Phoenix

The seven fans likely to turn up to the Wellington Phoenix’s match against Brisbane Roar on Sunday evening are being warned to expect delays after club owner Gareth Morgan instructed Westpac Stadium security that all Phoenix games this season were to be “no cat” zones in support of his Cats To Go campaign.

Fans will have their belongings extensively checked, as well as full strip searches conducted, prior to entry into the stadium in order to ensure that no cats are smuggled inside the venue. Morgan, who captured national headlines earlier this year when he launched the campaign using misquoted science and inflammatory graphics, said that he wanted to drive home how important making New Zealand cat free was to him.

“If there’s one thing I learned from my recent trip to North Korea, it’s that removing free choice and personal liberties from your citizens means that the authorities can achieve some pretty spectacular results,” Morgan said in a phone interview with Radio Sport’s Kent Johns, “I mean, the North Koreans has managed to achieve nuclear armament, ballistic missiles and a poor imitation of the iPad by restricting their people’s diets to a handful of rice every second day with a side of old shoe leather. So I figure we can replicate that type of admirable resourcefulness by making an example from Phoenix fans.”

When asked whether Morgan himself would be impacted by the additional delays on entering the stadium, Morgan replied that he wasn’t planning on attending Sunday’s game as he was “pretty sure the neighbour’s cat has been sneaking into my yard. I’ll be busy staging a 24 hour surveillance exercise to trap and execute the offending pussy.”

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