The stakes have been raised in the All Whites Football World Cup qualifying game at Estadio Azteca against Mexico, with the host team today declaring that the losing side would become a human sacrifice to Xipe Totec, the Aztec god of life, death and rebirth, in an attempt to improve the fortune’s of their country’s national side.
Miguel Herrera, the Mexican national coach, made the announcement of the human sacrifice as a statement of how confident he was that Mexico would annihilate New Zealand in their Wednesday evening (local time) match in Mexico City.
“Our side has nothing to fear from being sacrificed to Xipe Totec,” Herrera said this morning, “as clearly we’re not going to lose to a side as lowly ranked as New Zealand. I fully intend for us to first smash New Zealand in front of our fans at Estadio Azteca, then to smash their skulls at altars to the old Aztec gods.” Herrera then demonstrated his smashing technique by shattering a watermelon on the desk in front of him, “See, that’s how easy this is going to be.”
Surprisingly, Ricki Herbert and the All Whites’ camp have reacted positively to the news of their impending violent deaths.
“Look, at the very least it’ll save us embarrassing ourselves on the return leg back in Wellington,” Herbert said from the team’s training camp in Los Angeles. “And if Ben Sigmund does anything stupid that costs us the game, I’ll personally volunteer to cleave his skull in two for Xipe Totec before they whack me on the head.”
Herbert went on to add that, “It also means that I’ll avoid that awkward end to my professional coaching career where everyone remembers how I coached the All Whites to two humiliating defeats against Mexico. Instead, they’ll remember my blood curdling screams of agony as my heart is ripped out while still beating as well as when coaching the All Whites to be undefeated in Group F at the 2010 World Cup.”