Wellington philanthropist, motorcyclist, cat hater and rival of Kim Dotcom for media attention, Gareth Morgan has offered to buy New Zealand Football for $5 million in the wake of the All White’s loss to Mexico. As part of the proposed deal, the existing Board of NZ Football would be sent to a re-educational facility in North Korea for what Dr Morgan has described as “remedial football, management and correct attitude to cats training.”
“I got the idea from my recent visit to North Korea,” Dr Morgan said from his backyard where he continues his six-long stakeout to catch his neighbour’s cat. “Over in North Korea, the Government owns all the sporting codes and take a proactive interest in the well-being of their sporting psyche. When a team isn’t performing, rather than letting the players and coaches continue to disappoint themselves and the fans, they take them out of the spotlight and put them to more productive uses, like quarrying rocks for motorways or working in nuclear reactors without protection.
“I really like the way that North Korea operates and takes such an active interest in people who aren’t living up to their patriotic ideals, so I’ve made this offer in the best interests of New Zealand football fans and the poor Board of NZ Football who, sadly, can’t see how their defensive mindset is playing into the hand’s of the Imperialists at FIFA,” continued Dr Morgan.
Dr Morgan, who made the proposal over the weekend after internet mogul and obesity poster child Kim Dotcom stole media attention from him last week by saying New Zealand was boring, said that if the Government also contributed $10 million, then his dream of cleaning up New Zealand football “for its own good” could become a reality.
For their part, NZ Football Chair Frank van Hattum rubbished Dr Morgan’s proposal, suggesting that he’d “send Gareth another wooden spoon to jolt his memory on his track record with the Phoenix.”