England have filed a complaint with the International Cricket Council following Australian skipper Michael Clarke telling England’s James Anderson that he had “smashed up all the jammy dodgers and tipped out your precious Earl Grey tea” during the final day of their Ashes clash in Brisbane.
Anderson, who broke down crying after hearing Clarke’s revelation, had to be helped from the field by Umpires as Australia romped home to a rousing victory in the first test.
“It was simply a much too traumatic piece of news for one’s gentle ears to hear on the field after a hard day’s toil,” James Anderson said at the post-match press conference. “One finds it very difficult to comprehend why Mr Clarke would be so unkind as to take out his feelings on one’s biscuits and tea.”
“As a result of Mr Clarke’s deplorable actions, one had no choice but to ask one’s team management to escalate this inconvenience to the ICC,” Anderson added.
In an official media release, the England team noted that being unable console James Anderson was only part of their motivation for filing the complaint, and that his actions had also impacted on the team’s ability to eat the various “super foods” that they had stipulated Australian hotels had to provide for them on their tour.
“Regrettably, Clarke’s actions in destroying Her Majesty’s English Cricketer’s stocks of tea and biscuits has left Her Majesty’s Cricketers with only a handful of super foods to fuel our Ashes campaign. Her Majesty’s Cricketers have been forced to fall back on Her Majesty’s stocks of Pork Pies, Cornish Pasties, Yorkshire Puddings and Bubble and Squeak to give Her Majesty’s Cricketers the physical conditioning they need to triumph.”
Clarke, for his part, defended his actions, saying that the whole incident had been blown out of proportion and that it was “nothing that a cold VB, hot chicken parma and a riot in Cronulla couldn’t solve.”