Sport Box

Kieran Read to replace God in national anthem

Kieran Read

In recognition of having won both the IRB and New Zealand Rugby Union Player of the Year awards, Prime Minister John Key announced today that Kieran Read would be replacing all mentions of God in the country’s national anthem, God Defend New Zealand.

The new anthem, which takes effect immediately, is titled Kieran Read Defend New Zealand, has also been modified to reflect its new focus on Kieran Read and the centricity of the All Blacks to national pride.

“Given the way that Kieran Read has gotten the All Blacks, and by extension the rest of us, out of so many tight spots of late, I think it’s only appropriate that the entire country honours him by accepting that Read has finally become more influential than God in our national life,” the Prime Minister said. “After all, we have clear proof of Read performing many superhuman offloads and try saving tackles that even Sonny Bill Williams was incapable of in the black jersey. We also can’t ignore the fact that we’ve witnessed Kieran Read delivering more miracles than the big man in the sky has ever bothered to show us.”

John Key went on to add that, “We had considered also adding Richie McCaw, Dan Carter and Conrad Smith to the anthem, but we decided against it. Especially with Carter, I didn’t really want Bronagh thinking about Dan in his jockey’s while singing the national anthem. Read, at least, is sufficiently ugly enough to avoid that type of unpleasantness.”

The new words for Kieran Read Defend New Zealand are as follows:

Read of All Blacks at Thy feet,
In the bonds of union we meet,
Hear our voices, we entreat,
Read defend our free land.
Guard AIG’s triple star
From the shafts of Springboks and war,
Make her praises heard afar,
Read defend New Zealand.
2
Men of every creed and race,
Gather here before Thy face,
Asking Kieran to bless this place,
Read defend our free land.
From dissension, envy, hate,
And bad refs guard our state,
Make our All Blacks good and great,
Read defend New Zealand.
3
Clinical execution, not war, shall be our boast,
But, should foes assail our coast,
Make us then a mighty host,
Read defend our free land.
Lord of Tackles in Thy might,
Put our enemies to flight,
Let our cause be just and right,
Read defend New Zealand.
4
Let our love for Kieran increase,
May Read’s blessings never cease,
Give us plenty, give us peace,
Read defend our free land.
From dishonour and from shame,
Guard our country’s sporting fame,
Crown her champions of this game,
Read defend New Zealand.
5
May our mountains ever be
Kieran’s training pitch on the sea,
Make us faithful unto Read,
Kieran defend our free land.
Guide her in the nations’ van,
Preaching love and truth to man,
Working out coach’s glorious plan,
Read defend New Zealand.

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