It’s nearly the end of the year, which means us sports journalists are feeling too lazy to do anything that might resemble work or require any hint of critical thought. Actually, we don’t do much of the latter anyway so we’re just feeling lazy. In that spirit, here’s our top five SportBox.co.nz news stories for 2013 as read by you, our uninformed, taken for granted readership.
1. Kieran Read to replace god in national anthem
It’s fitting in a year where he was both IRB Player of the Year and New Zealand Rugby Union Player of the Year, that our Prime Minister John Key also got caught up in the zeitgeist and replaced all references to God in ‘God Defend New Zealand’ with references to Kieran Read instead.
2. Oracle call off race due to Moet spill
In the early stages of the America’s Cup, before Team New Zealand found their windpipes unexpectedly self-asphyxiated, Oracle suffered a devastating setback as Moet was spilled all over their boat during the first race of the day. Clearly the design changes they made for better glass holders paid off as they stormed back from an 8 – 1 deficit to win the Auld Mug.
3. Sonny Bill Williams reportedly in tears over Halberg snub
Walking headline generator Sonny Bill Williams was reportedly inconsolable when the New Zealand sporting fraternity didn’t recongise his greatness with a Halberg nomination in the same way that his Rugby League contemporaries did. Thankfully for Sonny, he bounced back from this setback by announced a two year deal with the NZRU for the 2015 and 2016 seasons so he could chase more personal glory.
4. Quade Cooper is “All Black’s 16th man”
Wallabies playmaker Quade Cooper revealed that he thinks of himself as the All Blacks 16th man when the Australians play the New Zealanders, explaining why he always puts in his worst performances against the men in black.
5. Ricki Herbert chains self to Stadium, refuses to stand down as All Whites coach
What was probably our saddest story of the year, All White’s coach Ricki Herbert refused to acknowledge that he was no longer going to be coach of our national soccer team, going so far as to chain himself to the inside of Westpac Stadium in Wellington following his side’s thrashing at the hands of Mexico. While Stadium staff did provide Herbert with breakfast, sunscreen and a sombrero, it is believed that he was finally reunited with his credibility when he was forcibly evicted from the ground.
While we still have another week to go in 2013 with important sporting questions still to be asked like “Will Ross Taylor continue to show up Brendon McCullum?” and “Does Jeremy Brockie actually know that the ball needs to go in the net?” we’d like to quickly thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of commenting on Stuff articles or checking your Facebook while at work to read our stories. We also want to voice our appreciation that none of you have tried to sue us for defamation yet. Because people who don’t get satire are jerks.