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India vow to never play in New Zealand again

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Following their defeat in the fourth ODI cricket match in Hamilton last night, which led to New Zealand claiming a series win over the world’s number one ranked team, India have announced that they will never play another cricket series in this country.

Speaking from Mumbai this morning, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that in the wake of the crush series defeat, India would not be touring New Zealand ever again.

“India is the greatest nation to ever have played the sport of cricket,” Srinivasan said to rounds of applause from local cricket media. “We will not have our cricketing brand damaged by allowing some collection of amateurs from an island at the end of the world show up the technical short comings of our players.

“Simply put, only India should be allowed to doctor its pitches to suit our team’s preferred playing conditions,” Srinivasan continued. “The BCCI will no longer tolerate any country that attempts to copy our methods to give themselves an equivalent home advantage to what we engineer.  New Zealand has shown absolutely no gratitude for the privilege of playing the greatest team of cricketers ever assembled by having the audacity to beat us. This is why our coup d’etat against the ICC must be confirmed by all members, so that India is never again shown up and embarrassed by our inability to play cricket outside of the sub-continent.”

New Zealand Cricket have been unable to comment on the BCCI’s announcement due to their representative on the ICC, Martin Snedden, being required to carry the luggage of the Australian and England delegates to their Dubai hotels this morning before afternoon appointments of shining the delegate’s shoes, making their coffees and then washing their clothes.

                     

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