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Kiwis rush to create illusion they watch the NFL ahead of Super Bowl


As one of the world’s largest sporting events, Super Bowl XLVIII, looms up in the minds of North American sporting fans, thousands of New Zealanders are busy swatting up on the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks as they try to convince their friends that they’ve been paying attention to the NFL all season.

“If you’re going to fool your mates into thinking you actually watch the NFL, you’re got to make sure you know your shit,” said Auckland resident Michael Tullamore, who’s hosting a Super Bowl party on Monday. “I’ve spent the last week reading Wikipedia articles and ESPN preview stories to make sure my NFL knowledge seems pretty robust.

“During most of the year you get away with just dropping a few names like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, then making sure you post an occasional highlight video that you saw on Stuff to your Facebook page, but when the Super Bowl comes, you really have to step it up. You need to known both team’s quarter backs, their running backs, their coaches. Hell, you ever have to refer to the Super Bowl as ‘Super Bowl XLVIII’ even though you have no idea what those Roman numeral thingies mean.”

“The real money shot is being able to explain a few of the rules. If you can do that, then you should be able to get through the game with your reputation intact.”

Michael pointed out that he’s already caught out two friends who were lying about actually caring about the Super Bowl.

“My mate Dave was trying to tell me that he thought that Seattle’s defence was shit. Thanks to reading an article on the Super Bowl site, I was able to correct him and say that actually, the Seahawk’s have been constantly improving their defensive stats since 2010 and were the best team this year,” said Michael. “It’s that type of basic error that ruins friendships.”

As well as doing some last minute research to preserve their Super Bowl cred, others have been busily buying up NFL related paraphernalia including team posters, hats and shirts, in order to complete the illusion of being genuine NFL fans.

“Yeah, that’s hugely important too,” said Michael. “If you don’t have the team wear or haven’t rushed to one of those imitation Chinese shops to buy some team flags or stuff, it makes fooling people pretty hard. They’ll come around to your house and be all like ‘Where’s your NFL stuff?’ and then you’re pretty much screwed. It’s basically friendship over. You’ll always be known as the guy who lied about liking sport.”

“Thankfully the Super Bowl is only once a year,” added Michael, “Because it’s hard enough pretending to care about the English Premier League and NBA for the rest of the year. I mean seriously, everyone claims that back an EPL team. Who’s fucking heard of Sunderland anyway? Is it even a real place?”

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