English Premier League club Arsenal have decided to no longer put in full 90 minute performances in an effort to combat a growing world-wide shortage of sporting clichés following their heavy use by sporting journalists over the last 12 months.
In revealing the decision on Monday, owner of a humourous first name and Arsenal club manager Arsené Wenger assured fans that the move was a “necessary step to preserve this vital resource” and that they “wouldn’t notice any discernible difference in the results the team delivers as we’ve reached that stage of the season where we drop out of the title race anyway.”
“The field of sports journalism faces an enormous crisis,” said Wenger. “The reckless use of sporting clichés such as ‘it was a game of two halves’ or ‘the whole team put in a 90 minute performance’ has lead to these phrases becoming endangered in the wild. As a sometimes leading football club, we’ve decided to take it on ourselves to help preserve these words by ensuring we avoid doing anything that will stimulate journalists to continue their thoughtless pillaging of our language.”
Along with the move to only play the second halves of all their matches, a move which now explains Arsenal’s shock 5 – 1 loss to Liverpool, other moves by the club include:
- Players are now limited to only giving 87% of their full effort, in order to prevent commentators saying they gave 110%.
- Instead of taking the season one game at a time, Arsenal will now break the season into four game chunks and pretend they’ve already qualified for the Champion’s League.
- Arsenal will no longer bring their A game to any match. Instead they will always play their B game to allow A game stocks to recover.
- Players are prohibited from thanking supernatural beings for wins. Instead they must thank their parents for providing them with the genetic predisposition to become great athletes and for nurturing those abilities, along with also acknowledging the roles of coaches and fellow players throughout their careers in bringing out the best of them.
- Wenger himself will no longer focus on Arsenal playing its own game, instead he will focus entirely on other teams playing their games.
- When Arsenal is losing a match they will no longer try to win to avoid any “come from behind” victories or opposition teams being accused of it being “their game to lose.”
“If these changes were adopted across all sporting codes, we would expect the majority of sporting cliché populations to have recovered by 2022,” Wenger said before adding, “and that way we might actually have a chance of winning something for a change.”