Sport Box

Hammett admits “I have no idea what I’m doing”


Under fire Hurricanes coach Mark Hammett today conceded that he has “no idea what I’m doing” and that he instead relied on senior players such as Conrad Smith and Cory Jane to run the team while he and Alama Ieremia drew “dirty pictures on the team whiteboard.”

The shock revelation comes on the back of the Hurricanes failing to win their first three games this season, taking their total losing streak since 2013 to eight matches. While some rugby journalists, such as Fairfax’s Toby Robson, have tried to stifle criticism of Hammett’s performance by labeling it as “hysteria”, the former-Cantabrian said that the criticism was probably justified.

“Look, when I got this job I basically just told the Hurricanes Board that the Crusaders had done well w

While I was their assistant coach, so that meant that I was clearly their secret weapon, because we all know how bad Robbie Deans was with the All Blacks and then with the Wallabies,” Hammett said in his exclusive interview with “What I neglected to mention to my new managers is that I actually just minded everyone’s kids in the club rooms during team practice. The Crusaders didn’t have budget for a full time nanny, so Robbie signed me on under the guise of an assistant coach so that we didn’t have to worry about babysitters anymore.

“Of course, given the way the Hurricanes were back when I took charge in 2011, they were pretty much a pack of babies anyway. Especially Piri, Ma’a and Andrew. As soon as I took their McDonald’s and beer away they threw little temper tantrums and left.”

Hammett went on to admit that, “Even though I have no idea what I’m doing, I thought if I managed to bumble my way through a couple of seasons things would sort themselves out, especially when Alama Ieremia signed up as my assistant, however he’s just as bad as I am. So we both agreed we’d let the senior players run the side while we drew  penises and other dirty pictures on the team whiteboard for the lads to laugh at when they got back in the sheds.

“That was a perfect plan when we actually had some senior players,” Hammett went on to say, “except as they all realised how bad things had got we were left with only Cory and Conrad, so as well as holding up the team’s on-field performance they’re also trying to coach and manage the squad too. They’re doing a fucking amazing job all things considered.”

Despite his boss’s admissions, Hurricane’s assistant coach Alama Ieremia this morning was trying to play down the notion that he and Hammett weren’t equipped to coach at this level.

“Nah mate, the game plan was fine. We all know kicking the ball away at every opportunity is the best way to win games. Who needs to actually hold the rugby ball to score points anyway? Besides, if our players didn’t lack basic skills and drop the ball all the time we could kick it away even more,” Ieremia said.

When asked whether he felt ensuring his players actually practiced basic handling skills was part of the coaching role, especially the assistant coach, Ieremia responded by telling us to “fuck off” and hung up the phone.

Former Hurricanes and Wellington hero Tana Umaga, who has been widely touted as a possible successor to Mark Hammett has played down speculation that he’s interested in the role saying, “I’d prefer to see a much wider public outcry from Hurricanes’ fans against Mark Hammett than a handful of blogs and Twitter comments before I step in and save the day.”

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