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Wallabies squad resigns after losing respect of Australia


The entire Wallabies squad has announced their resignation this morning after captain Michael Hooper admitted that, following Saturday night’s last minute loss to the All Blacks, the team had lost the respect of all Australians. The shock announcement follows the resignation of Wallabies coach Ewen McKenzie, who threw in the towel after losing the respect of the team.

“On reflection, we’ve had two opportunities to beat the All Blacks on home soil this year, and we choked on both of them,” Hooper said at a press conference this morning. “We clearly played the better rugby all night and yet we couldn’t defend a 10 point lead against a 14 man All Blacks team.

“Combined with the earlier 12-all draw in Sydney, even I’m finding it hard to have any respect for myself,” Hooper continued.

Center Adam Ashley-Cooper, who racked up 100 tests for the Wallabies on Saturday night, conceded that he’d been struggling to have any respect for Hooper for a number of months, “I mean with that haircut, can anyone take him seriously as captain? He’s more focused protecting his golden locks for a post-rugby career as a shampoo model than he is on winning possession at the breakdown.”

Australian Rugby Union Chief Executive Bill Pulver said that while the mass resignation was unfortunate, it had been expected.

“It doesn’t surprise me that the team has taken responsibility for the mess we’re now in, and while it leaves us in a bit of a conundrum as to who we’ll send on our northern hemisphere tour this year, it means I can wipe my hands of this entire sorry affair,” Pulver said.

While nearly all of the Wallabies’ resignations are effective immediately, recently recalled play maker Quade Cooper has asked for his resignation to be backdated several years in acknowledgement that he never had the respect of the Australian rugby public to begin with.

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