FIFA have announced a revolutionary new plan to help mitigate the controversy surrounding Qatar’s successful bid to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup – placing FIFA’s President Sepp Blatter above each of the stadiums so that his ego can block the harsh desert sun.
The new plan comes after FIFA was forced to abandon other proposals to combat the issue of daytime temperatures in Qatar regularly soaring above 40°c, which included finding the off switch for the sun, relocating the polar icecaps to the Middle East for the duration of the tournament, or providing unlimited frozen Coca-Cola for players during matches.
“After we evaluated our existing heat management ideas and learned they were either very expensive, couldn’t be bribed, or were scientifically improbable, we realised that we had under our noses the most impenetrable force in all of human existence – the ego of our President Sepp Blatter,” a FIFA spokesperson said.
“President Blatter has demonstrated time and time again that he is impervious to all forms of heat, able to survive corruption scandals, allegations of incompetence, and even the universal criticism of his recent re-election advertisement – the film United Passions. As a result, we are entirely confident that by suspending President Blatter in the sky above each match, the immense size of his ego will be able to repel the harsh rays of the sun and allow players and fans enjoy the best football Qatari Riyals can buy.”
Blatter, for his part, is said to be excited by the prospect of being able to attend every match at the tournament, commenting that the move would allow everyone to “literally bask in my shadow, as opposed to the metaphorical basking they are required to do now.”