Sport Box

Scientists analyse sweat of Wellington Lions to discover what defeat smells like


Following a raft of discoveries to see what the moon, comets and outer space smelt like, scientists have taken swabs of sweat from the Wellington Lions to undercover what exactly what defeat smells of.

Much to their surprise, the stuff of crushed dreams and dashed hopes smells much like two day old seafood pizza along with a significant whiff of the type of plywood you find in wooden cooking utensils from Briscoes. The unique qualities of the smell seem to be driven by the high salt quantity of sweat, combined via a hot air induction process known as egofication with the remnants of too many team bonding sessions.

“It’s a truly remarkable smell to recreate in the lab,” said Dr Phil Pensky of Victoria University, “and being able to scientifically identify the chemical markers of losers means coaches can select players for their teams with much more confidence than every before.”

Sadly for Wellington sports fans, the smell has been found to be universal across its sporting franchises, with the chemical markers indicative of the smell being revealed as commonplace amongst its players.

“It’s hugely disappointing,” said John “Mystery” Morrison from his shower. “No matter how hard I try I’ve been trying to get rid of this smell for months but I just can’t.”

Scientists are divided on whether the smell is contagious, however their initial results into the Canterbury Crusaders appear to indicate that the smell of victory may be sugar based.

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