Adidas have revealed the All Blacks’ new jersey design will be a revolutionary new fabric that is completely see-through, giving the players protection from the elements while enabling TV producers to beam gratuitous images of Sonny Bill Williams’ torso to the world.
A promotional video waxed lyrical about the technology used to develop the jerseys, pointing out that after significant development costs, the cutting-edge invisible fabric cost nothing to produce, leading to claims that the players weren’t actually wearing jerseys at all.
“We’re extremely proud of the synergy between the All Blacks pushing the limits of athletic ability while we push the limits of science,” said Adidas spokesman Hans Kuhscheiße. “This new jersey produces an optimal aerodynamic effect for the players, while minimising available areas for opposition teams to grab onto during tackles and rucks.”
Mr Kuhscheiße went on to point at several diagrams of the transparent qualities of the jerseys while several All Blacks wearing the new strip walked in.
When challenged as to whether the All Blacks were wearing any jerseys at all, Mr Kuhscheiße dismissed such claims as “Utter nonsense. This isn’t about Adidas saving money or the NZRU trying to boost crowd attendance and TV subscribers by reducing your players to pieces of eye candy.
“And really, who’s is going to complain about more shots of Sonny Bill Williams topless, right?”
One journalist was removed from the press conference after rushing the stage and attempting to twist Dan Carter’s nipples in an attempt to test whether the new jerseys actually existed.
Asked about how sponsor logos and player numbers were going to be included on the new jersey, Mr Kuhscheiße pointed out that due to the new technology, the AIG and Adidas logos would be tattooed onto player’s chests, “Rendering them absolutely valueless to any rival, future sponsors.”