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Chess grandmaster revealed to be a cat


Already reeling from the scandal of Georgian chess grandmaster Gaioz Nigalidze cheating using an iPhone during a tournament, the world of professional chess has been rocked again by news that British grandmaster Felis Catus is in fact a cat.

Felis, who is famous for being the only player to battle both Gary Kasparov and the IBM super computer Deep Blue to draws by knocking over every piece on the board, has long been regarded as one of the most difficult opponents on the professional chess circuit. Over the years numerous opponents have been forced to concede draws in matches against them following Felix accidentally knocking over every piece on the board.

“I honestly never suspected a thing,” said Kasparov when approached for comment. “I just thought Felis was a really crafty player. I always thought the way he’d gingerly reach out and bat his pieces around the board with seemingly  no rhyme or reason was just a ploy to throw me off. And that time he fell asleep on the board and we had to call off the match, well he just looked really tired when he curled up into a little ball.”

World Chess authorities have started an immediate review of how they regulate tournaments held around the world.

“We’re genuinely shocked by allegations that Felis Catus may be a cat,” said a spokesman for the World Chess Board via telegram, “We’re going to thoroughly investigate this matter and expect to have an outcome in about seven to eight years,” the spokesman continued, noting that it had taken them that long to realise that iPhones were actually “a thing”.

For his part, Felis has not yet commented on the claims, instead playfully batting at and biting any microphones put near him.

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