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England will cancel World Cup if they lose to Fiji in opener

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The English Rugby Union have announced that should England lose its opening game against Fiji, the rest of the Rugby World Cup will be cancelled due to English fans losing any passing interest they have in the oval ball code.

“It’s hard enough as it is getting anyone interest in rugby while the football season is on,” said Rugby Union Chairman Bill Beaumont at the announcement on Thursday evening, “so we figure that if Fiji manages to upset us in the first game, there’s not really any point in staging the rest of the tournament. No one in England will give a toss about it anyway.”

In the event of the loss and the cancelling of the World Cup, England has confirmed that the William Webb Ellis trophy will not be awarded to any side, or returned to New Zealand, in order to prevent what Beaumont called “the uncivilized colony getting ideas above its station.”

“We invented rugby, it’s our sport, this is our World Cup, and if we can’t have it, nobody can.” Beaumont screamed as he lay on the floor thrashing his legs and arms about. “Fiji have no right to beat us, and if they do, we’re not going to let the Aussies, or especially those fucking Welsh bastards have a chance of doing so as well.”

For their part, the All Blacks have said they’re not bothered by the prospect of the World Cup.

“If the World Cup is cancelled, there’s no way we can choke in the play off games is there?” said coach Steve Hansen.

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