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America’s Cup to be decided by gear failure

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In an announcement that initially shocked the sailing fraternity, Oracle Team USA CEO Russell Coutts today admitted that the decision to use the AC72 catamarans was made in order to remove the element of racing from the prestigious yachting series and save anyone from actually being beaten and feeling bad about their inability to be competitive.

“We’d decided that after years of the America’s Cup being decided by racing and court room battles, it was time we spiced things up again,” said Coutts from the team’s San Franciso headquarters. “So it just made sense to have everyone race on these very fragile catamarans, that way you could only lose a race by breaking equipment, rather than actually getting beaten. We felt that we needed to make sure the losing teams had a really good excuse as to why they’d lost, and gear failure is the perfect thing to blame.”

While fellow crews were initially shocked by the revelation, they quickly moved to support the decision. Emirates Team New Zealand skipper Dean Barker was one of the first to support the announcement.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Dean said while sipping a glass of his brother’s organic wine. “I mean, there’s countries out there that spent millions of taxpayer’s hard earned dollars on these regattas and for them to get trounced on the water is a pretty galling thing for them to take. At least if something breaks on the boat and they have to withdraw, people back home won’t be disappointed that all that money was wasted on uncompetitive designs or taking Hollywood Scientologists on joyrides.”

Luna Rossa Challenge’s Team Principal Patrizio Bertelli agreed, “I think it’s a great decision. I mean sure, Emirates Team New Zealand won two out of the first three races of the Louis Vuitton Cup final, but at least Luna Rossa didn’t loose them. We just had a bit of a boo-boo with some of our gear on the boat and had to retreat. In a way, taking that type of action really lives up to our Italian heritage.”

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