Building on its spectacular ratings from Aaron Hernandez’s triple murder investigation, the National Football League has announced that the 2013/14 season will feature more murders in an effort to wrestle viewers from other sports.
Speaking at a packed press conference in New York City, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell unveiled that the plans to nearly universal praise.
“We’ve been really excited by the media buzz generated by Aaron Hernandez’s murder investigation, especially because it’s given us a key edge over Major League Baseball’s drug scandal,” Mr Goodell said. “On the back of that success, we’re going to increase the number of murders committed by players this season to give our fans what they want.”
Mr Goodell went on to elaborate that, “We’ve been putting some real thought into what types of slayings our fans want to see players commit. We feel we really need to move on from bar fights and drinking incidents and give our viewers some deaths with more substance. To that end, we’re looking to orchestrate some matrimonial murders along with the possibility of an on field incident. I watched the Last Boy Scout last night and I think that type of thing could really give us more bang for our buck.”
Goodell also scoffed at suggestions the NFL had misread viewers interest, “Absolutely not. What’s more American than murdering someone for no apparent reason other than their ethnicity or an imagined affair with your wife?”
Fox Sport’s Joe Buck was quick to agree, heaping praise on Goodell’s vision, “If you’re an American and you don’t like shooting and murders, then you’re in league with the terrorists like Obama is.”
When asked by ESPN whether the NFL was concerned about widespread use of performance enhancing drugs following Major League Baseball’s recent drug scandal, Goodell replied, “I hadn’t thought of that, but a drug related murder would be a sure-fire ratings hit!”