Sport Box

God of Earthquakes warns Wallabies not to win


Rūaumoko, the Māori god of earthquakes has warned the Wallabies of “great and dire consequences” should they even look like winning Saturday night’s Bledisloe Cup test in Wellington. Speaking through self-appointed spokesperson, Mana Party leader Hone Harawira, Rūaumoko is quoted as being unhappy about the prospect of the Wallabies upsetting the All Blacks at the weekend.

“The great and mighty Rūaumoko wants those Wallaby fellas (sic) to know just how powerful he is,” Mr Harawira said on behalf of the deity. “If they even think about trying to steal a win on Saturday night, Rūaumoko says he’ll be pretty pissed off. He wants them to know that he’s already smashed up Seddon a couple of times, and he won’t spare Wellington next time if the Wallabies win.”

Wellington residents, already on edge after the 6.5 and 6.6 magnitude earthquakes over the past month, have begged the Wallabies to heed the god’s warnings.

“He sounds pretty pissed off,” said student Jason Wilson sitting inside Cuba Street’s Bucket Fountain, “and I really wouldn’t want to be upsetting him, or Hone either. Hone has a pretty mean right hook when he’s fired up.”

Adding to his threats of earthquakes, Rūaumoko also hinted at getting his older brother, Tangaroa god of the sea involved. “Rūa also says that if his great shaking doesn’t get the Wallabies, then Tangaroa might get a bit shitty too and throw a tsunami their way,” Mr Harawira conveyed to reporters. “And if all that fails, I’ll do the one thing that gives the white man more shits than Rūaumoko and Tangaroa combined, I’ll file a Waitangi Tribunal claim.”

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