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Desperate Martin Guptill takes highlights reel to IPL CEOs

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Martin Guptill has been sighted desperately showing highlight reels of his summer of batting to IPL executives after the Blackcaps’ victory over Pakistan where he smashed 80 off 48 balls in Mohali overnight.

Guptill, who was seen leaving Kings Punjab XI headquarters in Mohali post-match carrying an iPad that appeared to be playing clips of some of his fireworks over the summer.

“I just don’t understand,” said a dejected Guptill as he waited for a bus back to the team hotel, completely unrecognised by passers by. “You show more consistent form than Brendon McCullum over two summers and take apart some of the best bowlers in the world, and still nobody wants to sign you up for the IPL.”

Guptill continued, “The way the IPL executives look at you, with those dead eyes. It’s like they don’t even know I smashed 237 not out in the World Cup, or that I regularly destroyed the attacks of Sri Lanka and Pakistan over this summer. The didn’t even see what I just did to Pakistan.”

Before boarding the bus, Guptill did observe that, “About the only time I got a reaction out of the IPL executives was when I got out my wallet to check I had enough money for the bus fare. They looked pretty disappointed when they saw how empty it was though.”

Eden Park management to ban spectators from having fun at matches

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Following the ejection of Sri Lankan supporters from playing drums at the final T20 match between the Blackcaps and Sri Lanka on Sunday, Eden Park management have confirmed that they have instituted a new Code of Fan Conduct that explicitly prevents supporters from expressing the emotion known as fun at matches.

“Nobody goes to Eden Park to enjoy themselves,” said Eden Park Trust Chairman Doug McKay. “I mean really, the public transport connections are rubbish, there’s no parking for miles, the food and beverages are overpriced, the beer is warm, and there’s virtually no shelter in the seats from the elements.

“With that in mind, the Eden Park Trust Board understands that there’s no way anyone looking for a good time would attend an event at Eden Park, so in order to ensure that the small handful of people so miserable with their existence that they regularly attend fixtures at our ground, we’re taking steps to ensure that their misery isn’t interrupted by hooligans who may in anyway be appearing to enjoy themselves at the stadium,” added Mr McKay.

Eden Park Trust clarified that patrons partaking in any activities or facial gestures that indicate that they may be enjoying their experience at the match will be forcibly ejected by security. In leaked guidelines to security contractors, these activities include applauding, smiling, speaking with other spectators, or consuming an alcoholic beverage in less than 10 minutes.

“We feel that our new measures will ensure that going to a game at Eden Park is as thoroughly miserable as intended,” said Mr McKay. “This way true sports fans, and users of Twitter, will be entirely at home at our facilities.”

The Eden Park Trust Board clarified that children will still be allowed to attend games at the stadium, pointing out that nothing induces a state of abject hopeless than having bored, fighting children running around.

Chris Gayle takes defamation action, claims no exposure of himself could ever be indecent

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High profile and sometimes West Indian cricketer Chris Gayle has launched defamation proceedings against Fairfax Media following the outlet’s claim that Gayle exposed himself to an unnamed women. Gayle has countered the claims by pointing out that in the unlikely event that he had exposed himself, it wouldn’t have been indecent because, “Have you seen my body? I’m fucking ripped.”

In evidence, Chris Gayle has submitted numerous photos of himself in various states of undress, each with post-it notes pointing out how his physique is better than the average man.

“I’m Chris Gayle, once you understand that, and understand my body, you ain’t going to be thinking seeing my naked ass is indecent now are you?” Gayle said at a press conference in Melbourne.

Gayle then had to be restrained from undressing himself in the press conference by his lawyer, to which he commented, “I just want these lovely ladies and fine gentlemen to know what decent really looks like.”

For their part, a representative for Fairfax Media has said that while the organisation couldn’t comment on the Gayle defamation claims, saying “We’re still recovering from seeing Shane Warne without his top on. There isn’t enough bleach in the world to remove that image from your minds’ eye.”

Cairns may have to phone all the 1990s children he’s let down

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In a major development in the Chris Cairns match-fixing case, prosecutors have suggested that, if found guilty, Chris Cairns will need to personally phone all 73,561 children who, from 1989 through to 2006, were fans of his explosive cricket playing style.

“Your Honour, we propose that if Mr Cairns is found guilty of these charges, there are 73,561 children that we’ve identified from the years 1989 through to 2006 who at one stage or another, idolised Mr Cairns in his capacity as an all-rounder for the Blackcaps,” said the Crown prosecutor today.

“Due to these children being robbed of their childhood idol should Mr Cairns be found guilty, we propose that a suitable punishment would be for Mr Cairns to personally  phone all of these children, many who are grown adults now, to apologise for having let them down. These children, many of who pretended they were Chris Cairns during fiercely contested backyard cricket games, will be feeling devastated that the man who’s cricketing ability they once believed in, may have severely let them down.”

Chris Cairns’ defence team said that while in principle they had no objection to the proposed punishment, they suggested it might be more effective if Mr Cairns personally phoned all cricket commentators around the world, and instead ask them to stop referring to promising Blackcaps all-rounders as the “next Chris Cairns” given possible negative connotations that might imply.

“After all, we’re pretty sure Jacob Oram is sick to death of the endless comparisons even after all these years.”

$5000, one-handed crowd catch earns spectator Blackcaps call up

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Shortly after setting the internet alight with a spectacular one-handed, sliding catch at the recent Otago Volts vs Wellington Firebirds Georgie Pie Super Smash match, spectator Andrew McCulloch has been handed a Blackcaps contract and called into the squad for the second test in the United Arab Emirates against Pakistan as the team tries to address their general inability to play cricket.

“The move just makes sense,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson from Dubai this morning. “The kid clearly has more talent and a better skill set than the entire New Zealand cricket team put together, so we basically had to sign him before Ireland did.”

Blackcaps’ skipper Brendon McCullum was equally as enthusiastic about the signing, “Yeah, we try and motivate our guys to play decently by paying them $5000 a day and look what we get? That this kid, who wasn’t being paid at all, could achieve what our team – with all its coaches, practice sessions and supposed talent – couldn’t manage, must mean he’s pretty special.

For his part, McCulloch hasn’t been overwhelmed by his meteoric rise to stardom. “All I was trying to do was impress my girlfriend,” he said in an exclusive interview, “so I just reacted and made the catch. I guess it’s just the basic kind of skills you’d think most cricketers would possess, but Hesson assured me that it wasn’t, so I took up the offer.

“Admittedly, given the way the rest of the Blackcaps are playing, I’m just hoping that I don’t get dragged down to their poor standards, as the girlfriend won’t be quite as impressed then,” added McCulloch.

 

Country confused as cricket, rugby seasons overlap

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Thousands of New Zealanders reported awaking in a state of utter confusion this morning as they realised that the cricket and rugby seasons are poised to overlap with the Blackcap’s season opener in Mt Maunganui occurring before the domestic rugby season has concluded.

Chief among the victims of this mass epidemic of confusion was Sky Sports rugby and cricket commentator Ian Smith.

“I have no idea which cliches to use in my commentary,” Smith told Radio Sport’s Crowd Goes Wild Breakfast. “I’m meant to be calling today’s Blackcaps match, but all I’m thinking about is how my beloved Hawkes Bay Magpies are going to do in the ITM Cup Championship.”

Other sports fans also phoned into the show reporting symptoms such as being unable to decide whether to wear a Blackcaps or an All Blacks top while mowing the lawns this weekend, or if it’s okay to start talking about cricket with work colleagues who might also be dealing with the season overlap.

“It’s a well established scientific fact that sports fans can only handle one sporting obsession at a time,” Sports Scientist Mike Doherty said. “So having such a significant overlap in the seasons of sporting codes creates an existential crisis for many sports fans out there. Do they stay supporting their rugby team and risk missing out on the early action of the cricket season, or do they start following the Blackcaps and risk being ostracised by their friends when they didn’t watch the weekend’s rugby matches?

“There’s no easy answer. Suffice to say, if you find a sports fan laying prone on the floor and unable to function, simply cover them with a blanket, make sure they’re comfortable, and wait until December when the rugby season finally finishes.”

Firebirds promise start of a false dawn

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The newly crowned domestic one-day cricket champions, the Wellington Firebirds, have moved quickly to dampen expectations of their future success by promising fans that their first trophy in 12 years was only a false dawn and wouldn’t herald a new era of success for the region.

“Look, I think it’s pretty important that people realise that we were ridiculously lucky to even make it to the final,” captain James Franklin said on Saturday after the match. “Given how abysmally we played in other forms of the game, and how few international quality players we possess as a region, people shouldn’t get ahead of themselves just because we won this trophy.

“If it wasn’t for Kuggeleijn’s inability to bowl at the death, I’m pretty sure that we would have been screwed.”

Franklin went on to point out that, “We’ve seen people get far too excited about Wellington side’s winning titles before. Remember when the Lions won the NPC in 2000? They went on to do not much else for a long time, same thing when they won the Ranfurly Shield too. So as a team we’re keeping our sites set pretty low, which is basically trying not to embarrass ourselves completely next year.”

New Zealand Cricket Board member Martin Snedden agreed with Franklin’s sentiments. “We’ve seen how painful increased expectations can be,” Snedden said. “After the Blackcaps spectacular home series against the West Indies and India, getting knocked out of the T20 World Cup demonstrated how important it is to be honest about false dawns and the like.”

Snedden went on to add that, “Obviously we’d like to remind fans that, despite having home advantage, we fully expect the Blackcaps to choke at the ODI World Cup next year.”

Batsmen to get option to end careers before facing Mitchell Johnson

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In a tacit acknowledgement of his ability to terrify batsmen into early international retirement with his aggressive bowling, the ICC has announced that those facing the prospect of being on the receiving end of a Mitchell Johnson delivery will now be given the option by the umpire to end their international career on the spot before Johnson bowls at them.

The decision comes on the back of South African Captain Graeme Smith announcing his international retirement after facing a barrage of body shattering deliveries from the West Australian paceman where he acknowledged that he’d prefer to not play cricket again “rather than face that lethal bastard again.”

The International Cricket Council made the decision in light of the psychological impact Mitchell Johnson was having on opponents over this summer, including breaking the body of former CNN broadcaster and inventor of phone hacking Piers Morgan.

“We took a look at what was happening and we simply didn’t think it was fair that Mitchell Johnson be allowed to continually ruin the reputations of otherwise quality players,” David Richardson, CEO of the ICC said. “As a result, any player who is about to face a delivery from Mitchell Johnson can now indicate to the on-field umpires that he would like to retire from all international cricket with immediate effect by placing his bat on the ground across the crease. The player can then leave the field of play without any further alteration or penalty to their batting statistics on CricInfo.”

The new instant retirement law will come into play at the conclusion of the current test series between South Africa and Australia.

The ICC also clarified that the new Mitchell Law, as it’s already becoming known, won’t apply to India, who instead have had the ICC rule that Mitchell Johnson is banned from playing in any match against India or a team featuring Indian players.

“It is clearly against the reverent like manner in which we expect all teams to conduct themselves towards India to allow a player as talented and driven as Johnson to expose the inability of our Indian heroes to play against outright pace,” said N Srinivasan, President of the Board of Control for Cricket in India.