In preparation for their Super Rugby final clash against the Lions on Saturday night, the Hurricanes were seen today at Rugby League Park in the company of local ambulance staff who were demonstrating to players how to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
“Obviously in previous years we haven’t been properly prepared for an entirely predictable closing or blockage of the windpipe,” said Hurricanes coach Chris Boyd, “So under my watch I’m not leaving any stone un-turned this year.”
Wellington Free Ambulance staff donned team jerseys during the three hour session to ensure that Hurricanes players wouldn’t hesitate in reacting to signs that any of their fellow teammates were experienced signs of restricted breathing on Saturday night.
“Keeping the esophagus free of blockages and allowing air to pass clearly through it is a hugely important focus for the team this week,” said captain Dane Coles.
“It was great having already gone through these drills with the All Blacks at the last World Cup, which meant I was able to devote more time to helping some of the younger guys in the side,” added Coles.
For his part assistant coach John Plumtree said that he’d learnt all too well in his previous stint coaching the Wellington Lions that such drills were vital preparation for a final.
“Unobstructed airways are key in a big match like this,” said Plumtree. “It’s vital that air remains circulating at all costs otherwise the team will not succeed.”
At the conclusion of training players were also seen being issued with new team jerseys with specially designed wider collars in a move team management said would help reduce the change of choking.
Palmerston North resident Ryan Suddy has hatched a plan to use Nehe Milner-Skudder’s now famous “Skudder Step” to avoid a collision the next time he and another pedestrian are walking towards each other.
“What usually happens is we both zig, and then we both zag, and then we both zig again, and we end up nearly colliding, exchanging an awkward laugh, and then going on our way,” said Mr Suddy. “Next time I get in that situation I’m planning to break out the old Skudder Step, and just hit the gap and blitz past them before anyone gets embarrassed.
“I’ve been practicing it in my hallway all week, it’s going to work,” added Mr Suddy.
For his part, Milner-Skudder was glad his exploits on the rugby field were inspiring people, but suggested that he was “hoping people might aim a little higher than avoiding walking accidents.”
Following on from their refusal to refer to the All Blacks by name, the Wallabies have gone one step further and are now denying that the country of New Zealand exists and they are already world champions.
“Obviously we’ve filed a complaint with World Rugby over the fact that the team we’re playing this weekend is claiming to come from a country that doesn’t even exist,” said Wallabies coach Michael Cheika at a press conference a Twickenham this morning. “We’ve seen the Facebook page ‘Does New Zealand exist?’ and between that and the lack of this alleged country appearing on most world maps, we’re pretty sure they shouldn’t even be at the World Cup.”
Cheika added, “If that’s indeed the case, that New Zealand is actually just a fictional country created for the purpose of Hollywood marketing, then we’re obviously already world champions.”
Subsequent to Cheika’s announcement that New Zealand does not exist, the Australian Rugby Union has gone through its social media channels and deleted any posts that refer to either the All Blacks or New Zealand. A statement from the ARU simple said: “We don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no such country and, if there were several inhabited islands somewhere off the coast of Australia, then surely they’d appear on more maps.”
For their part the All Blacks weren’t phased by the Wallabies refusal to acknowledge either their or New Zealand’s existence.
“The fact they can even read enough to understand place names on a map is a pretty amazing achievement for a bunch of convicts,” said All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen.
“I can’t do it bro, I just can’t do it,” said Matthew Bridge as he contemplated making a smart arsed remark about the Wallabies chances in the Rugby World Cup final against the All Blacks this weekend. “If I start laying down the smack against all my Australian friends, I just know I’m going to jinx the boys and the Wallabies will bloody beat us.”
Matthew’s story is the same as that afflicting many New Zealanders this week as they contemplate the days until the All Blacks meet the only team to beat them in 2015. It seems that fans have learnt from 2003 when, going into that now infamous semi final against the Wallabies, their sky high confidence and cockiness towards Australians backfired on them when they went to work on Monday.
“I used to think that me winding up fans of opposition teams didn’t have an impact on how the All Blacks played, but after 2003 and 2007, I’m not so sure anymore,” said Matthew. “I’m also a Hurricanes and Wellington Lions fan, and after talking down at the Highlanders and the Magpies, and we lose to both of them, I’m really not sure I have it in me to smack talk the Wallabies this time around.”
“The last thing I want is the entire country blaming me for jinxing the result.”
For their part, Wallabies fans have been busy posting photos of all the trophies they have won in matches against New Zealand sides recently, including the Rugby League World Cup, the Netball World Cup, the Rugby World Cup, and the Rugby Championship.
“Stone the flaming crows, I’m not worried what those little sheep shaggers think,” said Convict McInbred when asked whether he was worried if his posting a photo of a kangaroo jumping on a kiwi might cause the Wallabies to lose.
With the news that the All Blacks will once again meet France in a Rugby World Cup quarter final match in Cardiff, thousands of New Zealanders have found themselves unable to function and are being found curled up in a fetal position crying “Richie loves me, Richie loves me.”
With the trauma of having Wayne Barnes rob 2007 Rugby World Cup quarter final from the All Blacks fresh in their mind, All Blacks fans have been unable to cope with facing their French tormentors in yet another knock out game.
“Anyone but France, fucking anyone but France,” cried Cameron Webster of Wellington while rocking back and forth in a ball. “The nerves man, they’re just not made for this kind of shit.”
“If Wayne Barnes is drawn as the ref, I’m out man. Game over man, game over man. Ain’t never going to watch no more rugby.”
For their part, several All Blacks were reportedly hauled off a flight back to New Zealand at Heathrow, following rumours that the team were also struggling to come to terms with their imminent departure from the tournament.
Chelsea striker Diego Costa has lashed out at recent media focus on Rugby Union player Richie McCaw being a cheater, demanding that people acknowledge he is the greatest cheater in the history of sport.
“Fuck you, Richie’s cheating has nothing on me,” Costa said in a fiery press conference this evening London time following the Football Associations decision to charge him with violent conduct following a controversial match against Arsenal at the weekend.
“Fuck, what more do I have to do? I pushed Koscienly around and got away with it, and managed to get Gabriel sent off. This Richie McCaw person, he is an amateur. See how he got caught, to cheat you have to get away with it on the field. This McCaw, he did not. He is fucking useless. That’s what he is.”
“The guy hasn’t even collected anywhere near as many yellow cards as me. He’s a nobody, just a fucking nobody.”
Costa then proceeded to upend the table he was sitting at before leaving the room.
Costa’s comments come on the back of team mate Kurt Zouma saying “Everyone knows Diego and this guy likes to cheat a lot.”
Following the All Blacks’ hard fought victory over Argentina this morning in their opening game of the Rugby World Cup, second-string All Black centre Sonny Bill Williams has played down rave reviews of his performance by admitting that he is “completely over-hyped.”
Speaking at the post-match press conference, Williams was brutally honest when responding to a one-eyed media pack.
“Yeah, to be honest, I’m over-rated. Anyone running against a tiring, under-strength defence like I did would have looked impressive,” said Williams. “I’ve got a terrible tackling technique and I only managed one meaningful off-load today, which are usually Hail Mary passes anyway and people only remember the ones people catch, not the horrible turnovers which I gave a few away today. I’m completely over-hyped, which my boxing ‘career’ pretty much gave away.”
“If you look closely at my performance today, it doesn’t warrant the plaudits it’s getting from the media.”
Williams continued, “The only reason Shags picked me today is because I lay on his hotel room floor throwing a tantrum on Tuesday morning. I reminded Shags that Mundine and Nasser were just a phone call away with tickets to Vegas and that this time, I’d really go. I meant it too.”
For his part, All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen conceded that the only reason that Sonny Bill Williams was included in the squad was because the New Zealand Rugby Union needed to get some value out of Williams’ ludicrous contract.
“His form in Super Rugby didn’t warrant inclusion. He’s just there because we paid so much for him, and the ratings sore whenever he takes his top off.”
The English Rugby Union have announced that should England lose its opening game against Fiji, the rest of the Rugby World Cup will be cancelled due to English fans losing any passing interest they have in the oval ball code.
“It’s hard enough as it is getting anyone interest in rugby while the football season is on,” said Rugby Union Chairman Bill Beaumont at the announcement on Thursday evening, “so we figure that if Fiji manages to upset us in the first game, there’s not really any point in staging the rest of the tournament. No one in England will give a toss about it anyway.”
In the event of the loss and the cancelling of the World Cup, England has confirmed that the William Webb Ellis trophy will not be awarded to any side, or returned to New Zealand, in order to prevent what Beaumont called “the uncivilized colony getting ideas above its station.”
“We invented rugby, it’s our sport, this is our World Cup, and if we can’t have it, nobody can.” Beaumont screamed as he lay on the floor thrashing his legs and arms about. “Fiji have no right to beat us, and if they do, we’re not going to let the Aussies, or especially those fucking Welsh bastards have a chance of doing so as well.”
For their part, the All Blacks have said they’re not bothered by the prospect of the World Cup.
“If the World Cup is cancelled, there’s no way we can choke in the play off games is there?” said coach Steve Hansen.