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Blues: Sonny Bill a perfect match for our over-rated, under-achieving culture

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Auckland Blues’ coach Tana Umaga has welcomed the announcement that hype-machine Sonny Bill Williams will be playing for his team in next year’s Super Rugby competition, highlighting the fact that Williams was a “perfect match for the Blues over-rated, under-achieving culture.”

“When you look at all the potential and hype surrounding the Blues each year, and compare that with Sonny Bill Williams, you’ll find the two are very similar,” said Umaga at today’s press conference in Auckland. “So it was only natural that Sonny Bill would want to align himself with the Blues so that we can let down the country and Auckland together.”

For his part, Williams said that he was excited by the opportunity to be part of a side that fails to live up to the immense talent at its disposal, “I really feel like I’ll be right at home here,” Williams said. “Ultimately, the Blues are a great parallel for how my rugby career has failed to ignite despite my massive athletic ability and natural ball skills.”

Williams also added that he finds it “comforting that the Blues switch coaches nearly as often as I switch codes.”

Tana Umaga “I can’t do any worse than the last Blue’s coach”

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While the resignation of Auckland Blue’s coach Sir John Kirwan has left the Board fuming that they weren’t able to sack him, the lead contender to replace Kirwan at the Blues, Tana Umaga, has admitted that there’s little chance he could do any worse than Sir John.

Umaga, who was approached for comment watching a Counties club game, admitted that that he was reluctant to take on the Blues coaching role, but conceded that he couldn’t do worse than Sir John Kirwan’s failed reign.

“Yeah, I can’t do any worse than the last Blue’s coach,” Umaga said. “Not even John Mitchell could do worse than that. I mean, Kirwan’s tenure was seriously bad wasn’t it?”

“They’ve got the largest catchment of any New Zealand franchise, but haven’t done anything noteworthy since that 2003 title. They signed Benji Marshall who had barely any rugby career ahead of them, they couldn’t hang onto Ma’a Nonu. I’ll be taking my 10-foot barge pole with me for sure if I sign up.”

For their part, the Blues Board are said to be fuming that Kirwan resigned before he could be sacked. “We were secretly hoping that Kirwan would try and stick around, then the Board could show we’re actually capable of making a decision and sack him,” said CEO Andy Dalton. “However now he’s left on his own accord, people will just continue to assume we’re all inept at our jobs, which isn’t entirely inaccurate judging by the omnishambles over the past few years on the field.”

Israel Dagg “I might be on sleeping pills right now”

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All Blacks and Crusader’s fullback Israel Dagg has conceded this week that it may be impossible to tell whether or not he is still on sleeping pills and alcohol, following his infamous forgotten night with Cory Jane during the 2011 World Cup.

“Given I can’t remember what happened that night, there’s every chance that I might be on sleeping pills right now and not realise it,” the 38 cap All Black said today. “You could try asking me tomorrow, but I might have popped some sleeping pills and had a glass of wine before you get to me, I just don’t know anymore.”

Dagg went on to speculate that, “It’s a bit like being in the Matrix isn’t it. You always wonder if when you wake up from the Matrix whether you’re simply not in another Matrix.”

When asked about his All Black teammate’s admission, Hurricane’s winger Cory Jane was equally as disturbed by the prospect of still being under the influence. “That’s deep man. I’m pretty sure I’m not on sleeping pills anymore, am I?” Jane said. “I mean, I know that Hammer hasn’t picked me for a while despite my being fit, but I can’t remember the last time I played… was I using the pills then?”

When SportBox.co.nz approached other Super Rugby franchises for comment, only the Auckland Blues replied, with coach Sir John Kirwan admitting that “The Blues may as well be on pills given the crap they’ve produced on the field and my being asleep at the wheel this season.”

Benji Marshall to hide at fullback

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Auckland Blues coach Sir John Kirwan today confirmed that Rugby League convert Benji Marshall would feature at fullback in next year’s Super Rugby competition as a way of hiding his defensive frailties from opposition teams.

At the launch of the Blues’ 2014 squad, Kirwan said that it was obvious “even to a blind man” that Marshall lacked any defensive ability and that the Blues had signed the League star purely as an attempt to encourage Auckland Warriors fans to switch codes too.

“We’ve all seen the magic that Benji can create on attack,” Kirwan wrote into a large sandpit with a stick, “but we also know that defensively he couldn’t tackle a paraplegic in a wheelchair. Obviously we can’t afford to have that type of defensive weakness at halfback or first five, so we figured sticking Benji at fullback would minimise the chances that he’d embarrass himself by trying to tackle anyone.”

Kirwan went on to also write that “The All Blacks and Crusaders already hide Israel Dagg’s lack of tackling ability in the same way, so we figured it must be a pretty successful measure,” before he ran out of room in the sandpit.

For his part, Benji Marshall is said to be excited about his positional switch, “Absolutely am I excited,” Marshall said while Kirwan continued to stare blankly into the middle distance. “Being at fullback means I get to do all the flashy stuff like catching balls, passing balls and kicking balls without having to worry about big guys trying to run at me. If someone does run at me, I’ll just blame the guys up front for not making their first up tackles. So it’s pretty much a win win for everyone.”