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Wallabies refuse to acknowledge existence of New Zealand as a country

Cheika

Following on from their refusal to refer to the All Blacks by name, the Wallabies have gone one step further and are now denying that the country of New Zealand exists and they are already world champions.

“Obviously we’ve filed a complaint with World Rugby over the fact that the team we’re playing this weekend is claiming to come from a country that doesn’t even exist,” said Wallabies coach Michael Cheika at a press conference a Twickenham this morning. “We’ve seen the Facebook page ‘Does New Zealand exist?’ and between that and the lack of this alleged country appearing on most world maps, we’re pretty sure they shouldn’t even be at the World Cup.”

Cheika added, “If that’s indeed the case, that New Zealand is actually just a fictional country created for the purpose of Hollywood marketing, then we’re obviously already world champions.”

Subsequent to Cheika’s announcement that New Zealand does not exist, the Australian Rugby Union has gone through its social media channels and deleted any posts that refer to either the All Blacks or New Zealand. A statement from the ARU simple said: “We don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no such country and, if there were several inhabited islands somewhere off the coast of Australia, then surely they’d appear on more maps.”

For their part the All Blacks weren’t phased by the Wallabies refusal to acknowledge either their or New Zealand’s existence.

“The fact they can even read enough to understand place names on a map is a pretty amazing achievement for a bunch of convicts,” said All Blacks’ coach Steve Hansen.

Prince Harry renounces claim to throne of Australia following England defeat

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Following England’s defeat to the Wallabies at the Rugby World Cup at the weekend, a result that saw England knocked out of the tournament, devout England supporter and ginger model Prince Harry has retaliated by renouncing his third in line claim to be King of Australia.

“I don’t want to be king of a bunch of convicts,” Prince Harry was heard saying to his bodyguards as he left Twickenham. “There’s a reason why we booted them out of the country, we should have never of let them back in.”

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace said that “While Her Majesty the Queen is disappointed with Harry’s comments, as third in line for the throne and a ginger, he didn’t have a chance of ascending anyway.”

Prince Harry was last seen shouting abuse at Wallabies fans as they celebrated the victory at the Temple Place Walkabout pub.

Cricket World Cup final officially purged from New Zealand history

Australia's wicketkeeper Brad Haddin celebrates with team-mate James Faulkner after dismissing New Zealand's Grant Elliott for 83 runs during their Cricket World Cup final match at the MCG

Following their defeat in the final of the Cricket World Cup against Australia, the Blackcaps have removed all references to the match from New Zealand Cricket’s official records, with the governing body now saying that the Blackcaps went undefeated in the six week tournament.

When approached this morning in Melbourne, Chief Executive of New Zealand Cricket David White said he didn’t know what reporters were referring to when they asked about the World Cup final. “What, the World Cup has a final?” said White as he hurried to a waiting taxi. “The Blackcaps played their last game in the World Cup against South Africa in Auckland on Tuesday, we ended our World Cup on a high. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

On further questioning, including having Radio Sport’s Tony Veitch thrusting copies of local papers proclaiming Australia’s victory in his face, David White collapsed on the pavement and adopted the fetal position, while blocking his ears and shouting “Hesson loves me, Hesson loves me,” repeatedly to himself.

As the Blackcaps emerged from their hotel they were equally unwilling to talk about a match they claimed never happened.

“No, no idea why we’re in Melbourne actually,” said Brendon McCullum as he attempted to come to White’s rescue. “We won in Auckland on Tuesday and next thing I know I woke up this morning in Melbourne as if nothing had happened in the last few days.

“I tell you what, it’s great to be an undefeated World Cup captain,” McCullum added as he and fellow opener Martin Guptill carried White inside.

The only Blackcap who wasn’t toeing the official line of denying the final ever took place was hero of both Tuesday and Sunday, Grant Elliott. “Yeah, I can see why none of them want last night included on the records,” the South African-born Wellingtonian said. “After all, the way some of them batted last night it’s not like they really bothered turning up to play anyway, was it?”

 

 

Batsmen to get option to end careers before facing Mitchell Johnson

mitchell johnson

In a tacit acknowledgement of his ability to terrify batsmen into early international retirement with his aggressive bowling, the ICC has announced that those facing the prospect of being on the receiving end of a Mitchell Johnson delivery will now be given the option by the umpire to end their international career on the spot before Johnson bowls at them.

The decision comes on the back of South African Captain Graeme Smith announcing his international retirement after facing a barrage of body shattering deliveries from the West Australian paceman where he acknowledged that he’d prefer to not play cricket again “rather than face that lethal bastard again.”

The International Cricket Council made the decision in light of the psychological impact Mitchell Johnson was having on opponents over this summer, including breaking the body of former CNN broadcaster and inventor of phone hacking Piers Morgan.

“We took a look at what was happening and we simply didn’t think it was fair that Mitchell Johnson be allowed to continually ruin the reputations of otherwise quality players,” David Richardson, CEO of the ICC said. “As a result, any player who is about to face a delivery from Mitchell Johnson can now indicate to the on-field umpires that he would like to retire from all international cricket with immediate effect by placing his bat on the ground across the crease. The player can then leave the field of play without any further alteration or penalty to their batting statistics on CricInfo.”

The new instant retirement law will come into play at the conclusion of the current test series between South Africa and Australia.

The ICC also clarified that the new Mitchell Law, as it’s already becoming known, won’t apply to India, who instead have had the ICC rule that Mitchell Johnson is banned from playing in any match against India or a team featuring Indian players.

“It is clearly against the reverent like manner in which we expect all teams to conduct themselves towards India to allow a player as talented and driven as Johnson to expose the inability of our Indian heroes to play against outright pace,” said N Srinivasan, President of the Board of Control for Cricket in India.

BCCI launch armed coup d’etat against ICC, MCC

srinivasan

The Board of Control for Cricket in India have launched simultaneous coup d’etats against the International Cricket Council in Dubai and the Marylebone Cricket Club in London. In the early hours of this morning, BCCI bureaucrats and Mumbai bookmakers armed with cricket bats and cellphones on standby to the BCCI’s lawyers, stormed the ICC’s and Marylebone’s headquarters in a shock attempt to seize control of cricket internationally.

The coup seems to have been conducted in response to resistance to the joint proposal from Australia, England and India that would have seen the three powerhouse nations not having to lift a finger to develop the game internationally. While details from Dubai are difficult to come by, it appears that the BCCI’s agents may have gained access to the ICC headquarters after New Zealand Cricket board member Martin Snedden flew to Dubai and unlocked the doors of the building for them in an apparent attempt by New Zealand Cricket to gain favour with their new overlords.

Speaking at a hastily called press conference in Mumbai, BCCI President Narayanaswami Srinivasan announced that effectively immediately, the BCCI would be “taking responsibility for the running of cricket globally,” and that “if South Africa doesn’t like it India will never tour there again.”

“The BCCI has made it clear for some time that we have zero interest in developing cricket globally,” Srinivasan said. “I mean if we have to lower ourselves to playing rubbish sides such as New Zealand, Zimbabwe or the West Indies ones more time, we might have been forced to stop playing international cricket all together. We’d far rather just live in a money-making bubble of playing Australia and England in some sort of never-ending tri-series.”

Srinivasan went on to add that, “We also couldn’t stand by and let the ICC try and set up a Twenty 20 cricket league in the United States. How dare they try and interest more people in playing cricket? India will simply not stand for any dilution of our ability to throw our weight around in world cricket.”

The BCCI have already issued their first edict as new rulers of the ICC and MCC. Some of the highlights from it include:

  • Pakistan is banned from playing cricket, forever
  • All countries shall observe a minute’s silence in respect of Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement
  • Corey Anderson is not permitted to play in any international cricket match against India
  • Australia and England will be forced to include India in the Ashes series
  • All on-field Umpire decisions will be subject to final approval of the BCCI board.

New Zealand Cricket were unavailable for comment about their alleged role in the coup, having barricaded their Christchurch headquarters with briefcases filled with rupees.

England cricket team swallowed by crack in WACA pitch

WACA pitch

Following their defeat at the WACA, a result that saw Australia claim back the Ashes 3 – 0, the England cricket team have been swallowed up by one of the cracks in the WACA pitch. So far no one from the England Cricket Board has requested that any rescue attempt be made.

The incident occurred as the English cricketers made their way out to the pitch to congratulate Australia on winning back the Ashes in such a dominant fashion. As the English players lined up on the pitch to shake the Australian player’s hands, one of the substantial cracks on the pitch abruptly opened up, causing the entire England squad to fall backwards into what appeared to be a bottomless abyss. Australian paceman Mitchell Johnson, who was first on the scene, threw the match ball down the crevasse in the hops that his lethal radar might allow the ball to find and injure yet another English batsman, thus eliciting a response, however none was heard.

“I guess it’s sort of a metaphor for the way this Ashes series played out,” said Wide World of Sports commentator and turn-coat Englishman, Mark Nicholas. “I mean it doesn’t really get more emphatic than that. As those cracks opened up on just the second day, they swallowed the hopes, dreams and three years of arrogance of an entire nation. On reflection, it’s somewhat poetic that one of those cracks should claim the team’s lives too.”

Other prominent England supporters took the loss of their side far differently. On Twitter, news personality Piers Morgan slammed the team’s performance saying, “If that crack hadn’t of swallowed them, I’d been the bloody first to push them in.” Comedian Stephen Fry was somewhat darker, tweeting “The irony of it all is that this means that Trott was the lucky one.”

When Cricket Australia initially offered to lower a ladder into the crack to see if the England side could be found, coach Andy Flower replied “What’s the point? They’re dead to me now. I’d have more of a chance coaching New Zealand to some form of cricketing respectability than achieving anything with that inept team.”

United Nations to deploy peacekeepers for Adelaide Ashes test

UN peacekeepers

Meeting in an urgent session, the United Nations Security Council has agreed to deploy an international peacekeeping force to the Adelaide Oval in an effort to defuse tensions between the two cricket sides after Australian Captain Michael Clarke and English bowler James Anderson clashed last week.

UN Secretary General Ban-ki Moon welcomed the move, after last minute negotiations by US Secretary of State John Kerry, fresh from securing a historic deal with Iran on its nuclear ambitions, failed to move Australia and England back from the brick of all out conflict.

“This is a positive step forward for reducing tensions in this volatile conflict,” Mr Moon said after the successful vote. “Obviously, there was a significant risk of the sledging that occurred between Australia and England to escalate into a full blown physical conflict, and it is encouraging to see the international community taking cooperative action to prevent that happening.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron, who brought the resolution for peacekeepers to the Security Council, said that he was pleased the world had stepped in to defend England.

“Obviously the deplorable psychological warfare tactics used by those unruly convicts in Australia during the Battle of Brisbane were just as abhorrent to the Chinese and Russians as they were to us, and that’s really saying something,” Mr Cameron said.

For their part, the Australians appear resigned to accepting the presence of the multi-national task force to keep the teams from coming to blows. Though in what appeared to be a veiled threat, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott wouldn’t rule out taking retaliatory action in the form of random drone strikes with his United States allies in the return 2015 series if England “continues to be a bunch of hypocritical, hypersensitive wankers.”

Clarke: “Ashes aren’t really a big deal”

Michael Clarke

Following being thumped by England 3 – 0 in the just concluded Ashes series, Australian captain Michael Clarke said in the post-match press conference that “the Ashes aren’t really a big deal.”

Speaking fresh after the controversy that saw play abandoned early due to low light, the Australia captain was quick to downplay the notion that any significance should be given to the series. Suggesting that in the scheme of things that the “Ashes don’t mean that much anyway. We’ve got the Chappell-Hadlee Trophy and that’s definitely a bigger trophy size wise, while there’s the KFC Big Bash and that’s practically an international competition given the lack of Australian players in it.”

Asked by journalists whether his lack of passion for the Ashes was due to Australia’s recent run of poor-form, Clarke was quick to point out that the Ashes are, “Just an urn with some charcoal in it. It’s probably not even the original bails, just soot from some old codger’s fireplace.” Clarke went on to clarify that, “What sort of a trophy can’t you drink a few VBs out of anyway? Seems like a pretty dump cup to me.”

Meanwhile the England cricket team have been reported to be scrambling to find the Ashes urn after tabloids spotted Kevin Pietersen inhaling a grey, powdery substances from a table at a nightclub in Hackney during team celebrations post match.