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Desperate Martin Guptill takes highlights reel to IPL CEOs

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Martin Guptill has been sighted desperately showing highlight reels of his summer of batting to IPL executives after the Blackcaps’ victory over Pakistan where he smashed 80 off 48 balls in Mohali overnight.

Guptill, who was seen leaving Kings Punjab XI headquarters in Mohali post-match carrying an iPad that appeared to be playing clips of some of his fireworks over the summer.

“I just don’t understand,” said a dejected Guptill as he waited for a bus back to the team hotel, completely unrecognised by passers by. “You show more consistent form than Brendon McCullum over two summers and take apart some of the best bowlers in the world, and still nobody wants to sign you up for the IPL.”

Guptill continued, “The way the IPL executives look at you, with those dead eyes. It’s like they don’t even know I smashed 237 not out in the World Cup, or that I regularly destroyed the attacks of Sri Lanka and Pakistan over this summer. The didn’t even see what I just did to Pakistan.”

Before boarding the bus, Guptill did observe that, “About the only time I got a reaction out of the IPL executives was when I got out my wallet to check I had enough money for the bus fare. They looked pretty disappointed when they saw how empty it was though.”

Eden Park management to ban spectators from having fun at matches

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Following the ejection of Sri Lankan supporters from playing drums at the final T20 match between the Blackcaps and Sri Lanka on Sunday, Eden Park management have confirmed that they have instituted a new Code of Fan Conduct that explicitly prevents supporters from expressing the emotion known as fun at matches.

“Nobody goes to Eden Park to enjoy themselves,” said Eden Park Trust Chairman Doug McKay. “I mean really, the public transport connections are rubbish, there’s no parking for miles, the food and beverages are overpriced, the beer is warm, and there’s virtually no shelter in the seats from the elements.

“With that in mind, the Eden Park Trust Board understands that there’s no way anyone looking for a good time would attend an event at Eden Park, so in order to ensure that the small handful of people so miserable with their existence that they regularly attend fixtures at our ground, we’re taking steps to ensure that their misery isn’t interrupted by hooligans who may in anyway be appearing to enjoy themselves at the stadium,” added Mr McKay.

Eden Park Trust clarified that patrons partaking in any activities or facial gestures that indicate that they may be enjoying their experience at the match will be forcibly ejected by security. In leaked guidelines to security contractors, these activities include applauding, smiling, speaking with other spectators, or consuming an alcoholic beverage in less than 10 minutes.

“We feel that our new measures will ensure that going to a game at Eden Park is as thoroughly miserable as intended,” said Mr McKay. “This way true sports fans, and users of Twitter, will be entirely at home at our facilities.”

The Eden Park Trust Board clarified that children will still be allowed to attend games at the stadium, pointing out that nothing induces a state of abject hopeless than having bored, fighting children running around.

Cairns may have to phone all the 1990s children he’s let down

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In a major development in the Chris Cairns match-fixing case, prosecutors have suggested that, if found guilty, Chris Cairns will need to personally phone all 73,561 children who, from 1989 through to 2006, were fans of his explosive cricket playing style.

“Your Honour, we propose that if Mr Cairns is found guilty of these charges, there are 73,561 children that we’ve identified from the years 1989 through to 2006 who at one stage or another, idolised Mr Cairns in his capacity as an all-rounder for the Blackcaps,” said the Crown prosecutor today.

“Due to these children being robbed of their childhood idol should Mr Cairns be found guilty, we propose that a suitable punishment would be for Mr Cairns to personally  phone all of these children, many who are grown adults now, to apologise for having let them down. These children, many of who pretended they were Chris Cairns during fiercely contested backyard cricket games, will be feeling devastated that the man who’s cricketing ability they once believed in, may have severely let them down.”

Chris Cairns’ defence team said that while in principle they had no objection to the proposed punishment, they suggested it might be more effective if Mr Cairns personally phoned all cricket commentators around the world, and instead ask them to stop referring to promising Blackcaps all-rounders as the “next Chris Cairns” given possible negative connotations that might imply.

“After all, we’re pretty sure Jacob Oram is sick to death of the endless comparisons even after all these years.”

Cricket World Cup final officially purged from New Zealand history

Australia's wicketkeeper Brad Haddin celebrates with team-mate James Faulkner after dismissing New Zealand's Grant Elliott for 83 runs during their Cricket World Cup final match at the MCG

Following their defeat in the final of the Cricket World Cup against Australia, the Blackcaps have removed all references to the match from New Zealand Cricket’s official records, with the governing body now saying that the Blackcaps went undefeated in the six week tournament.

When approached this morning in Melbourne, Chief Executive of New Zealand Cricket David White said he didn’t know what reporters were referring to when they asked about the World Cup final. “What, the World Cup has a final?” said White as he hurried to a waiting taxi. “The Blackcaps played their last game in the World Cup against South Africa in Auckland on Tuesday, we ended our World Cup on a high. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

On further questioning, including having Radio Sport’s Tony Veitch thrusting copies of local papers proclaiming Australia’s victory in his face, David White collapsed on the pavement and adopted the fetal position, while blocking his ears and shouting “Hesson loves me, Hesson loves me,” repeatedly to himself.

As the Blackcaps emerged from their hotel they were equally unwilling to talk about a match they claimed never happened.

“No, no idea why we’re in Melbourne actually,” said Brendon McCullum as he attempted to come to White’s rescue. “We won in Auckland on Tuesday and next thing I know I woke up this morning in Melbourne as if nothing had happened in the last few days.

“I tell you what, it’s great to be an undefeated World Cup captain,” McCullum added as he and fellow opener Martin Guptill carried White inside.

The only Blackcap who wasn’t toeing the official line of denying the final ever took place was hero of both Tuesday and Sunday, Grant Elliott. “Yeah, I can see why none of them want last night included on the records,” the South African-born Wellingtonian said. “After all, the way some of them batted last night it’s not like they really bothered turning up to play anyway, was it?”

 

 

Guptill decides to leave on a high, announces immediate retirement

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Blackcaps star opener Martin Guptill has announced his immediate retirement from all forms of cricket, citing that it was better to get out now before he crumbled under the immense weight of expectation in Tuesday’s semi-final show down against South Africa.

“Well you saw what all that pressure did to Brendon McCullum didn’t you? He was on fire leading into the World Cup and now, after that blinder against England, he’s playing like shit and people are calling on him to be dropped,” said Guptill. “Why on earth would I want to sink back to that low?”

Guptill’s retirement leaves a big hole in the Blackcaps batting line up, with his recent efforts having papered over the fact that no other batsman in the squad is currently in form.

“Look, it’s an issue and we’re aware of it,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson, “but the reality is that despite the hype, there’s little chance of us beating South Africa tomorrow, so as a team we’re pretty relaxed about it and are looking forward to crashing back to earth.”

“As a nation, we need to be honest about this, we’ve always known when the big knockout games came about we’d be in for a hiding, so we’re better to just accept that fate now rather than keeping on fooling ourselves.”

While many expected Guptill’s sudden departure would see the return of exiled opener Jessie Ryder, Hesson confirmed that wouldn’t be the case, and that taking the field with only 10 players would shorten the amount of time that South Africa would be able to humiliate the Blackcaps for.

$5000, one-handed crowd catch earns spectator Blackcaps call up

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Shortly after setting the internet alight with a spectacular one-handed, sliding catch at the recent Otago Volts vs Wellington Firebirds Georgie Pie Super Smash match, spectator Andrew McCulloch has been handed a Blackcaps contract and called into the squad for the second test in the United Arab Emirates against Pakistan as the team tries to address their general inability to play cricket.

“The move just makes sense,” said Blackcaps’ coach Mike Hesson from Dubai this morning. “The kid clearly has more talent and a better skill set than the entire New Zealand cricket team put together, so we basically had to sign him before Ireland did.”

Blackcaps’ skipper Brendon McCullum was equally as enthusiastic about the signing, “Yeah, we try and motivate our guys to play decently by paying them $5000 a day and look what we get? That this kid, who wasn’t being paid at all, could achieve what our team – with all its coaches, practice sessions and supposed talent – couldn’t manage, must mean he’s pretty special.

For his part, McCulloch hasn’t been overwhelmed by his meteoric rise to stardom. “All I was trying to do was impress my girlfriend,” he said in an exclusive interview, “so I just reacted and made the catch. I guess it’s just the basic kind of skills you’d think most cricketers would possess, but Hesson assured me that it wasn’t, so I took up the offer.

“Admittedly, given the way the rest of the Blackcaps are playing, I’m just hoping that I don’t get dragged down to their poor standards, as the girlfriend won’t be quite as impressed then,” added McCulloch.

 

Country confused as cricket, rugby seasons overlap

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Thousands of New Zealanders reported awaking in a state of utter confusion this morning as they realised that the cricket and rugby seasons are poised to overlap with the Blackcap’s season opener in Mt Maunganui occurring before the domestic rugby season has concluded.

Chief among the victims of this mass epidemic of confusion was Sky Sports rugby and cricket commentator Ian Smith.

“I have no idea which cliches to use in my commentary,” Smith told Radio Sport’s Crowd Goes Wild Breakfast. “I’m meant to be calling today’s Blackcaps match, but all I’m thinking about is how my beloved Hawkes Bay Magpies are going to do in the ITM Cup Championship.”

Other sports fans also phoned into the show reporting symptoms such as being unable to decide whether to wear a Blackcaps or an All Blacks top while mowing the lawns this weekend, or if it’s okay to start talking about cricket with work colleagues who might also be dealing with the season overlap.

“It’s a well established scientific fact that sports fans can only handle one sporting obsession at a time,” Sports Scientist Mike Doherty said. “So having such a significant overlap in the seasons of sporting codes creates an existential crisis for many sports fans out there. Do they stay supporting their rugby team and risk missing out on the early action of the cricket season, or do they start following the Blackcaps and risk being ostracised by their friends when they didn’t watch the weekend’s rugby matches?

“There’s no easy answer. Suffice to say, if you find a sports fan laying prone on the floor and unable to function, simply cover them with a blanket, make sure they’re comfortable, and wait until December when the rugby season finally finishes.”

Firebirds promise start of a false dawn

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The newly crowned domestic one-day cricket champions, the Wellington Firebirds, have moved quickly to dampen expectations of their future success by promising fans that their first trophy in 12 years was only a false dawn and wouldn’t herald a new era of success for the region.

“Look, I think it’s pretty important that people realise that we were ridiculously lucky to even make it to the final,” captain James Franklin said on Saturday after the match. “Given how abysmally we played in other forms of the game, and how few international quality players we possess as a region, people shouldn’t get ahead of themselves just because we won this trophy.

“If it wasn’t for Kuggeleijn’s inability to bowl at the death, I’m pretty sure that we would have been screwed.”

Franklin went on to point out that, “We’ve seen people get far too excited about Wellington side’s winning titles before. Remember when the Lions won the NPC in 2000? They went on to do not much else for a long time, same thing when they won the Ranfurly Shield too. So as a team we’re keeping our sites set pretty low, which is basically trying not to embarrass ourselves completely next year.”

New Zealand Cricket Board member Martin Snedden agreed with Franklin’s sentiments. “We’ve seen how painful increased expectations can be,” Snedden said. “After the Blackcaps spectacular home series against the West Indies and India, getting knocked out of the T20 World Cup demonstrated how important it is to be honest about false dawns and the like.”

Snedden went on to add that, “Obviously we’d like to remind fans that, despite having home advantage, we fully expect the Blackcaps to choke at the ODI World Cup next year.”