Self-appointed greatest sportsman in history, Sonny Bill Williams, is reportedly in tears this afternoon after his name was not included in the list of Halberg Award nominees. Williams, who has spent the last few days admiring his reflection in hotel pools in Dubai, heard of his omission after disembarking his flight home to Sydney.
“Don’t they know I was Rugby League’s player of the year?” Williams sobbed into manager Khoder Nasser’s shoulder at the airport when told the news. “The Kiwis even did a haka for me, surely that must count for something, mustn’t it?”
Nasser, who appeared awkward attempting to hold a conversation with his client that wasn’t about money, tried patting Williams on the back, saying “There, there big guy. Just think of all the other great things you did this year, like defeating that drugged up South African boxer, or single-handedly winning the NRL premiership for the Roosters and carrying the Kiwis to the Rugby League World Cup final on your shoulders.”
As kind as Nasser’s words appeared to be, they only seemed to spur my tears from Williams.
“But why then, why? Who the fuck are Aaron Gate and Simon van Vacuumcleaner anyway? Do they command the salary that I do? Did they have hakas performed for them? Did they have the All Blacks and Chiefs begging them? How do Cyclists get nominated ahead of me? Don’t they appreciate my greatness?” Williams asked as he was handed a tissue from a Customs official. “And all Scott Dixon did was win a third Indy Car Championship, it’s not like he even built the car.”
Nasser eventually managed to get Williams to calm down and leave the terminal building, but only after several more minutes off feigning compassion before he opted to lead Williams out by the nose using fresh $100 bills until the pair reached a waiting car.
Sonny Bill Williams has turned down a $1 million purse to defend his New Zealand Heavyweight title against up-and-coming boxing sensation Joseph Parker, but has instead agreed to defend it against a 12 year-old trolley boy from Papatoetoe New World.
Williams’ manager, Khoder Nasser rejected the offer to fight Parker who looks set to win his Thursday night bout against timber yard worker Afa Tatupu, after having it presented to the Williams’ camp late last week.
“We just didn’t feel that the match up would be right for Sonny,” said Nasser. “This Parker kid looks to take his boxing pretty seriously, and we wouldn’t want to risk Sonny’s perfect career by putting him up against someone who actually treats this sport as their full time profession. We need someone who, like Sonny, just see’s boxing as something fun to do on the side.”
Nasser went on to reveal Williams’ opponent as Ben Tuvake, Trolley Storage Assistant at Papatoetoe New World. “This Ben kid, he’s a pretty tough opponent for Sonny,” said Nasser. “We hear he just got his first pair of boxing gloves for his 12th birthday a few weeks ago, so he’s going to be right up there on Sonny’s level with that boundless energy and awkward angst that the early years of puberty brings with it. Let’s also not forget that pushing trolleys around a car park for a few hours each week is going to be great strength and endurance conditioning for Tuvake, so we’re counting on him being a real challenge for Sonny.”
Nasser was quick to downplay suggestions that Williams was simply trying to avoid boxing against anyone of any ability, indicating that the Williams’ camp had been working on lining up a bout against boxing great Muhammad Ali, but the overtures had come to nothing with Nasser saying “I’m pretty sure Ali turned down the bout because he was scared about facing up Sonny, who’s clearly the greatest athlete ever.”